Me and wife #12 (or was she 13?).

1. First, let’s get this straight – I do not look like a Chinese person.  I’m sick and tired of these modern depictions.  I look exactly like the love child of Vladimir Putin and a very fair-skinned half-Eskimo. Screw Wikipedia and their stupid picture on my bio.
2. I hate Wikipedia.
3. I did not come up with the name “Golden Horde” – I think that sounds pretty gay, like we were on a Pride March or something.  We weren’t.  We raped and pillaged, and every now and then a man may have accidentally got raped.  There’s really no way to know.
4. I’m completely aware that my first name “Temujin” is ridiculous. Aware enough that I killed my father for being dumb enough to pick that name and cause me a childhood full of schoolyard grief.  You don’t need to bring it up, trust me.
5. No, my son’s name “Ogedei” is not as bad as “Temujin.”
6. I think Ukraine is the closest thing to a national urinal you’ll find outside of Africa.
7. I take full responsibility for how crappy Mongolia is today.
8. I take no responsibility for the contemporary problems of Central Asia. That is ALL on the Soviets.
9. I think it’s funny the Chinese spent eight centuries building their wall with millions of people dying in the process.  Me and my boys got across (with horses, mind you) in less than 2 days.
10. My biggest regret is that I never learned how to play the guitar.
11. I did not lose my virginity until I was 13, and that was a very late age back then.  She was 24, red-headed, and shared my tickle fetish.
12. I’ve never met a person I like as much as I like Bic med/moy pens.
13. Where does Japan get off?  I mean really.
14. I never feel sexier than when my hair is up in a pony tail.
15. Genocide is underrated for its effectiveness.
16. Last five artists I listened to on my iPod?  DCTalk, Elvis, David Bowie, Cyndi Lauper, and The Cure.  Related Note: the 80s – great for my iPod, but apparently really tough on Disney movies.  I don’t understand what they were thinking… Tron? Who Framed Roger Rabbit? The Great Mouse Detective?  I guess they finally pulled it together with Little Mermaid, but up ’til then, what a mess!
17. I don’t believe in the “too soon” statute of comedy limitation.  If Heath Ledger and 9/11 jokes are ever going to be funny, they’re always funny.
18. The word “Eurasia” nauseates me to the point of brelching. Related Note: brelching is my word for a burp that culminates with a tiny amount of vomit coming up the very back of the throat, causing a burning sensation in the back of the mouth, nose, and eyes, depending on the severity of the brelch.
19. I voted for Perot both times.  I’m also committed to the belief that 9/11 was an inside job.
20. Almost all women have two X chromosomes, but my wife had three. Look it up, it’s real.  To top it off, I had an extra Y chromosome. This means going into each of our children there was an XXX and an XYY.  I can’t believe we didn’t give birth to some kind of three-armed mutant, but we didn’t.  This fear occupied practically my entire prayer life.
21. I think American Idol gets progressively better each new season. I do think Sanjaya was a plant, and this grieves me. Carrie Underwood’s “Jesus Take the Wheel” makes me cry almost every time.
22. Most of the posts on my Facebook wall are from fake profiles I have created to make people think I have friends.
23. My scientists may or may not have accidentally created what you people call the “Black Death.”
24. I think music piracy degrades us all, weakening and demeaning the art.  Piracy on the high seas, however, is a whole different bunch of bananas.
25. I passed the bong to Michael Phelps.

TAGGED!!!
Howard Stern
Anna Nicole Smith
Benjamin Franklin
Julia Roberts
The Little Engine That Could

Contributed by a faithful reader and occasional collaborator who has requested to remain anonymous so as not to jeopardize his lucrative drug trafficking business.  Many thanks.

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