Hail to our chief.

America,

I’m disappointed with you. You got plastered-drunk on the Obama administration’s hip-flask of hope, and now you have a reality hangover.

It’s been a month… WHERE ARE YOUR FLYING HYBRID CARS?!? What have they been up to in Washington? A month long Scrabble tournament? What’s the hold up here?

This is not the bright new future you were promised when you chugged Obama’s champagne of change. You were foretold of a world free from genocide, poverty, and large words. A world where bipartisanship and children’s laughter would be the modus operandi. A world no longer bound by tyrannical right-wing policies like Monday mornings, awkward conversations, and confusing song lyrics. Together, we were to usher in a new day where butterflies would serenade us as rainbows sneezed Skittles. This was the vision you had when you snorted the opium of Obama optimism. This was what you signed up for.

Alas, a month has passed, and what progress has been made? None. We’re not one inch closer to that Utopian dreamland than we were in 2000. Loud noises are just as startling as they were under Bush. Parking spots are just as difficult to find as they were last year. Ugly people are still free to roam the streets, and the McRib still isn’t on the Dollar Menu. Let me ask you something, America.  How many times have you made out with a mermaid or ridden a unicorn under the new Obama-stration? ZERO. That was the very least you should have expected when you stuffed your face with Obama’s poundcake of promises.

I understand we’re in a recession and the world’s at war. That’s fine. Those weighty issues take time. But Obama’s margarita of merriment should have at least fixed the little things. For instance, you still have to do quick math in your head. You’re just a middle class person.  You don’t have the resources for that! You can send a man to the moon and harvest electricity from sunlight, but you’re still forced to do quick math at the grocer like you’re some barbarian?! Where is your dignity?!

And now you find yourself with a hangover. The bright lights of recession and the loud noises of nuclear proliferation are pounding your brain. What brought this searing pain? Let’s take a look back at November 4th, 2008 – your most shameless display of public intoxication to date. You had spent the previous months taking shots of Obama’s sanguineness and puffing from his peyote peacepipe of positivity. The media had been force-feeding you dimebags of dreams and you grew dependent on it. So you couldn’t help but stagger into the voting booth and order another serving of the stuff. I get it, I really do.

And that’s why I’m holding this intervention. You need help, America. Look at yourself! You’re stumbling all over the Middle East. You can’t hold down a job. I can see you’re depressed, but that’s no reason to lie in Cap’n Crunch residue watching Fresh Prince reruns all day.  Pull it together, man!!

You’re just ending an abusive relationship with your ex-president, and that can be tough. But don’t you remember the last time you got this drunk?  You thought Johnnie Kennedy and you were gonna be together forever.  Remember how that ended?  Heartbreak and entanglement in an endless, unwinnable war, that’s how! You were a wreck for a good 20 years! Do we really need to go through all this again?
Please, just take this stimulant (its package cost an arm and a leg!), get some rest, and go shopping or something.  That always made things better in the past right?  Whatever you do, for God sake, put down your needle of naiveté. You’re killing your family.

Kindest Regards,

Tory
Tory James Robert Schalkle is currently enrolled as a full time student of life. One of the most sensitive people you will ever meet, he spends his spare time reading at nursing homes and baking for veterans.  He frequently fails to write for us.  Incidentally, he also has two middle names.

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