mmmm yeah baby. i'm gonna fix that computer real good.
He reached across his desk and picked up the phone on the first ring.
“I.T.” he announced, his voice smoky yet gentle.
“Um, yes,” the woman on the other end of the line stammered, “I… I need…”
“Yes?”
“My computer needs… needs attention.”
“Where are you?”
“Third floor – 328.”
“Oh,” he said, “the Humanities.” The department was poorly ventilated, and heat wreaked havoc on sensitive hardware.
“I’ll be right there.”
She stood in her doorway and waited for him; she wore only heels and a smile. And an immaculate suit.
“Please,” she fumbled, her tension betrayed by her voice, “please… come inside.”
He smiled an innocent smile that contradicted the fire in his eyes. ”That would be nice. Very nice, thank you.”
He moved across the room to her computer, knelt on one knee, and began to slowly and methodically undress her machine with his eyes. Hypnotized by the hardware, he asked her, “you’re new here, aren’t you?”
“Yes, three weeks…” she answered – too quickly.
“There’s nothing to be nervous about,” he assured her. ”I’ll take care of it.”
She smiled, looked away, and tried to relax, only to blush as he began to lightly slide his fingertips across the exposed surface of her computer’s case. His breathing, a series of successive sighs.
“Please tell me,” he whispered, “what seems to be the problem?”
“Well, it starts up,” she said, “and I’m able to begin…”
“Yes?”
“And then it shuts down. I start over… but it shuts down again. I… I can’t… um… finish.”
“Oh, no,” he said sweetly as he dropped to both knees. ”How long has it been since you were able to finish?”
“Not since last night.”
He turned his head to face her and slipped his left hand around the back of the computer case. Their eyes locked as his fingers unlatched the panel with effortless grace; his command of the environment was so confident that she couldn’t help but gasp. He smiled, less innocently than before, and turned his full attention to the matter at hand.
“Mmmmm…” purred from within him, and he immediately knew what to do. Focused, he felt for the right tool, found it, and took it firmly. ”Mmmmm…”
“Is that good?,” she asked.
“Yes, it is. Very. Very. Good.” Tiny beads of sweat formed at his brow as he worked, the forcefulness of his movement tempered by gentle precision.
“Yes?”
“Yes.”
“Yes?!”
“Yes.”
“YES!”
He stopped responding aloud but she went on. ”Oh, thank you! Thank you! Oh my. Oh. Oh my. Thank you.” Her tension melted into blissful, oblivious satisfaction. She became aware that her jacket was askew and her hair slightly mussed: she did not care. ”Thank you.”
“No ma’am, thank you,” he said as he stood. ”You should be all taken care of.”
“YES. Yes, I believe I am… all set. Thank you so much.” She straightened her jacket and posture.
He gathered himself, exhaled, and moved to the doorway.
“Please let me know if there is anything else I can help you with.”
“Well,” she smiled an innocent smile that contradicted the fire in her eyes, “I could use some help with my phone.”
She took the shiny sleek device from her purse. ”If that is something you can do…”
“I believe that I can, yes,” he said as he backed toward her office door. He faced her, and with one hand behind his back, began to pull the door, closing them both in her office.
“But with a phone, this may get loud,” he said, and shut the door.
Boudreau Freret just wants to help. His work has appeared in Yankee Pot Roast, and on numerous restroom walls throughout Orleans Parish.
Popularity: 37% [?]
May 13th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Thoroughly dirty and yet completely innocent. I like it.
May 13th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
not dirty or innocent, Paul, you moron.
the word to describe this is gross.
worse, i know about thirty guys who write humor identical to this. and it’s all gross innuendo wizardry.
and then I went to http://freret.blogspot.com/ and contextualized this piece.
and it got grosser after I realized the author is even weirder than I imagined, and apparently political too? maybe? or just lame? i.e. a list including Hitler and Dubya and Nixon (how original!)
and, re: the blog, I’m not sure Freret actually knows who St. Robert Bellarmine is.
so, TTM: do better, or I’m starting an ad-clicking boycott.
May 13th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Moron.
Gross.
Gross innuendo. (Wizardy?)
Contextualized. (Because I’m wont to do that when I come across gross innuendo.)
Weirder!
Lame?
How original! (Can you hear my sarcasm?)
(I wonder why the dark ages are called that? Oh well, no worries…)
Listen, TTM, no more gross stuff. Not even gross innuendo. Or comments by morons. Or weird lame stuff. Or I’ll hold my breath until I turn blue!
I’ll do it, too. Then you’ll wish you’d let me tell you how to run your site.
May 14th, 2009 at 10:04 am
I am offended by any reference to sex whatsoever, and I don’t care for wit.
Such things are gross, as in vulgar, beneath the standards of the trend-setting upper-middle class that prowls the internet, saving the world from its sense of humor.
And pictures of Bill Gates shouldn’t be viewed on the Sabbath.
TTM, get your act together. Stop making your own content decisions and start listening to these people.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Haha thd is pitching a fit. See that?
Oh well, serves you right, TTM, for allowing user comments.
I honestly can’t decide whether I feel uncomfortable or amused. Not a terrible balance to hit every once in a while. At least, so long as we’re not bored. We can’t be bored!!!
May 15th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Brilliant. Funny. Glad to see Mr. Freret on another of my favorite sites…
Interesting discussions here too. So, natch — I’d like to jump in with my own persepctive…
Is it filled with “dirty” innuendo? Well, yes, of course it is. THAT. WAS. THE. POINT. Nothing less sexy than an IT guy, and what they do is nothing less than sexy “wizardry” (good word, THD — may I borrow it?). Other than being much less perverse, I think what we’re seeing here is nothing short of the classic “pizza delivery boy’s porn-esque dream” (lady answers door in towel — “oops! I don’t seem to have any money on me!” ). The only difference is that Boudreau was so much more clever and witty than most porn. Even pizza delivery boy porn (sorry, Boudreau).
And as for Boudreau’s “weirdness” or alleged “lameness”? Puh-leeze, THD. Personal attacks now? Stick to your analysis of the work — at least then we can all assume you know what you’re talking about. Start bashing the author, and we know you’ve jumped the shark.
In fact, to dispel any angst your vitriolic post incited here on TTM, might I suggest you point us in the direction of YOUR blog? Or to the last piece of CREATIVE writing you had published? Criticizing is, in my humble opinion, always easier than actual DOING.
Best, A Fan
May 18th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Golly! Ya’ll are easily offended–well, thd is. And equipped with a smutty mind, too. I believe this piece was categorized “Nonsense”, and I believe the reason is obvious. BECAUSE. IT’S. NONSENSE.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:12 am
That’s got to be the creepiest geeky looking dude I’ve ever seen in the photo. He’s got those weird eyes like Ben from Lost.