Can I talk to you for five minutes about liberal bumper stickers? Actually, I just want to talk about one. I’ve only asked for five minutes of your time so I’ll have to save “Not my President”, “Meat is Murder”, and “The blood of New Orleans is on Republican hands” for another day. I’m going to give up my ranting rights with those stickers to talk about another one that is more infectious than all other liberal stickers combined (probably because it has lots of pictures and only one word). Indeed, the only thing liberals enjoy putting on their cars more than this sticker is a Subaru logo and Oregon plates.
I’m sure you’ve seen this sticker. It was probably plastered to the ass end of a Prius outside a farmer’s market or college book store or abortion clinic in Vermont and you probably didn’t even look twice at it. Maybe you thought it was clever. Maybe you were dimly accepting of its message. Well you were wrong. It’s not clever, it’s not cute, it’s not creative. It’s ignorant. It also happens to be one of the three things a human being can do to make me instantly dislike them and discount everything they say from that point further:
1) They can talk during an episode of LOST.
2) They can say (during LOST or at any other time), “You know, George Lopez is actually pretty funny.”
3) They can put a “Coexist” sticker on the bumper of their car.
For anyone remotely familiar with my political leanings (i.e. mostly confused but leaning toward conservative), it should come as no surprise that I despise these stickers. What may surprise you is that the mere sight of a Coexist sticker is enough to induce a rage blackout during which vehicular homicide is given serious consideration. (Note: The irony of this reversal of the sticker’s message is not lost on me.)
These stickers are intellectual travesties and my hatred of them has little to do with my love of holy wars. I mean sure, I enjoy some good old-fashioned religious violence as much as the next Boondock Saints fan, but I’m willing to admit that it can occasionally get out of hand (i.e. the World Trade Center attacks, Battlefield Earth, pretty much everything that happened between 1095 and 1291, etc). My problem with these stickers is that they – like most liberal platitudes – get praised for being “noble” and “inspiring” when what they really are is “inane” and “meaningless”.
These stickers carry the same intellectual legitimacy as a sticker saying “Abolish Mondays” or “Give Dinosaurs a Chance”. It sounds nice. It seems like something we could all get behind. But it means nothing. It’s like a Lil Wayne album or the Matrix trilogy, it sounds pretty good and it looks compelling, but, upon closer inspection, it doesn’t make any damn sense. These stickers are pie-in-the-sky liberalism at its worst. They give liberals a chance to engage in their favorite pastimes like raising awareness, hoping, and holding signs but they are have no grounding in the world most of us call home.
Let’s take a look at the groups depicted in the Coexist sticker. One (Islam) is unwaveringly committed to the destruction of one of the others (Judaism). Another (Wicca/Paganism) celebrates and worships all that one of the others (Christianity) considers evil. A third one (female sign) is biologically wired to destroy all that another (male sign) holds dear. It’s Ohio State vs. Michigan but with 3,000 years of bad blood behind it. And now what? Leaders of these mutually-exclusive congregations are supposed to set aside their dogmas, join hands, and dance around the mosquechurchogogue together because an REI employee from Seattle thought it was a good idea? Give me a break.
I know I sound uncompassionate and defeatist saying these things, but that’s what happens when you make fun of liberals. They have the moral high ground. They love peace, poor people, and puppies and if you oppose them you must hate all those things. Or, maybe you realize that certain things in the world aren’t going to change. As long as religions exist there will be religious conflict. We’re never going to outlaw currency. Bumper stickers aren’t going to free Tibet. Music isn’t going to change the world. And people are going to keep handing Glenn Beck microphones.
Once we establish certain conditions as brute facts of the universe, we can stop wasting our time fighting them and start focusing on the things we can impact. Like bringing back the McRib or getting Jay Leno off television. I’ve had to do this in my own life. I said to myself, “Ok, dinosaurs aren’t coming back. What else is there that could introduce some modicum of fulfillment into your existence?” It was in this manner that I discovered writing half-assed articles on the internet.
It is time liberals did the same. I just hope they don’t also discover writing half-assed articles on the internet. That could be worse.
Popularity: 12% [?]
November 17th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Well, actually, genius, the United States of America happens to be a country where, for the first time, people of various religions could thrive side by side without coercion, and, aside from a few arguments at the outset, very little sectarian tension.
This proved to the dunderheads of the world that some things could, in fact change. Instead of living in religious conflict, people could–gasp! COEXIST.
How daffy! How pie-in-the-sky! How classically liberal, those Founding Fathers of ours.
Of course, there are people who want to increase sectarian division, exacerbate ethnic tension, and promote distrust. These assholes often call themselves “conservatives.”
November 17th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Thank you!!!
November 17th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Don’t you love it when religion haters like the above commenter like to set themselves up as the more “civilized,” and “smarter,” and “adult” folks and then the first thing they do is devolve to cursing and name calling? Good going “slammajamma,” you just proved that your ilk are cretinous.
November 17th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Mr. Slammajamma,
Oh. I’m sorry. That’s my mistake. I didn’t realize the utopia that liberals are incessently striving for through campus protests, music festivals, and Michael Moore films has actually been here for two and a half centuries already.
You’ll have to forgive me this oversight since most liberals I’ve ever talked with don’t seem to like America all that much (except for MSNBC, thrift stores, and abortions). They should probably just stop watching the news or reading history books and open their eyes to the fact that America has been a model of peacable coexistence with “very little sectarian tension.” Never mind The Civil War, The 60s, The Oklahoma City Bombing, Matthew Shephard, Ft. Hood, etc.
Hey man, I agree with you. I think America is doing an excellent job and the rest of the world would do well to take a lesson from us. It’s your liberal colleagues that hold our country in such low esteem. And, if I remember correctly, the last time we tried to get the rest of the world to learn from our example (i.e. democracy in Iraq) it was those same liberals who got pretty pissed off. Might the failure of Iraq prove my point that some “dunderheads” will never change?
And yes, I do love sectarian division, ethnic tension, and distrust. Thank you for proving my point in my third-to-last paragraph.
November 17th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Kent…you are right on my man… When was the last time you saw one of those stupid stickers on the back of a car full of Arabs….I live near Ann Arbor and these idiot bumper sticker subaru-volvo loving sushi eaters are clueless….the first symbol on that sticker has absolutely no use for the others…and you can go back to the 1st attack on the Trade Centers to understand that…they want war…and they’ll get it… I’m for the New Crusades..!!
November 17th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
tom….your joking right? i love my subaru, i hate sushi. you generalize a whole ethnic group of people, yet I doubt you’ve ever talked to one. The point of this article isn’t, “lets kill us some towel heads, and then burn a cross on someones yard”…it’s that the idea of everyone being all happy and content with each others belief is bogus, since they all disagree with each other; and if they were perfectly content they must not really believe in their own faith, since most of those beliefs teach the others are wrong, and those followers are in for a bad time in the afterlife. new crusades? that’s terrible….
That being said, the co-exist sticker pisses me off because people who use it don’t understand the principle of tolerance vs. acceptance. Most are basically Unitarian but don’t have the know how to categorize themselves as such. There’s this mentality of “why can’t we all just believe what we want” and Kent did a really good job outlining why this isn’t possible. The idea that I can sit down with a orthodox Jew or a Muslim and talk about our different beliefs in a rational way, while still understanding we disagree with each other is awesome. We can debate and discuss why we think each other is wrong and then laugh about something else whilst sipping a cup o’ coffee. I don’t mind co-existing in this sense.
November 17th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Apparently the McRib is back in San Fran…. so I guess some guy at McDonalds reads TTM and wants you to start taking this whole religious reconciliations thing seriously. So good luck with all that.
http://sfist.com/2009/11/16/legendary_mcrib_to_return_to_san_fr.php
November 18th, 2009 at 10:41 am
Wow, what a pessimist rant, not to mention a rather shallow analysis of other religions.
Instead of raging against one group of bumperstickers, how about a call to end all forms of sticker evangelism? I mean, does anyone seriously think your “If you want real change, vote Republican” or your “Know Jesus, know peace” platitudes will change *anyones* minds? Littering your car with trite catchphrases only provides ammo for folks when you inevitably cut them off. Which leads us to today’s word, which if I’m not mistaken, is “road rage…”
November 18th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
I know it sounds pessimistic calling sectarian conflict an immutable fact of human existence, but what other conclusions do you draw from 6,000 years of recorded human history?
You’re right about one thing though, pithy platitues and trite catchphrases are loved by Republicans and Democrats alike. I have a hard time defending conservative bumper stickers like “Annoy a liberal, get a job”, “Jesus was a Conservative”, and “Show us the birth certificate”, and they too accomplish next to nothing. My time was short so I singled out the most grevious offender. There are many, many more to chose from.
Now there’s a pie-in-the-sky utopian dream I can get behind: a propaganda-free commute.
November 18th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
you’re so pretty………….wait, what website is this again? I think I may be mixing up my comments.
Was just exposed to your site today. Nicely done, all of you. I hope you continue to find the time to write. I would comment further, but unfortunately I’m still at work and my boss might catch me not wo
November 18th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
I’m right there on your top 3 irkisms. Now: do your parents know what you are up to? You’ve come along way from you, John, and Todd playing “three stooges” in the back of my car on the way to OK Panhandle!
November 19th, 2009 at 12:20 am
mosquechurchogogue – crack me up.
January 5th, 2010 at 1:11 am
Woody.. this article is just one reason I respect you so damn much.
February 2nd, 2010 at 2:46 pm
Wow. So, let me get this straight–no liberls shoud put bumper stickers on their cars, advocating their beliefs, but it’s ok for you to get on here and spout your beliefs and people are supposed to respect that? You have a problem with the show Lost? Don’t watch it. You have a problem with George Lopez? Dont’ watch him. You have a problem with people wanting to peacefully exist, people letting the world know that there’s more in the REAL world than what you were told in Sunday school? Move to Texas and join a compound. This is a free country and the same principles and laws that allow you the right to log on here and spout your beliefs are the same principles and laws that allow leftist liberals to make public their own opinions and beliefs.
And thanks for clarifying the fact that Christians hate nature–no wonder it’s so easy for them to keep making laws that rape her everyday.
February 4th, 2010 at 11:04 am
Wow. So your basic premise is: if I don’t like something, I should move on with my life and keep my opinion to myself. An interesting point considering your decision to comment on this post stands as a direct contradiction. Not surprising, though. I can see from the rest of your post that the only thing you struggle with more than spelling is logic. (I hate when people talk during LOST so you assume I don’t like the show? Wouldn’t a reasonable person assume the opposite?)
You didn’t like what I had to say and you needed to let us all know about it. I don’t respect what liberals have to say and I need everyone to know about it. In fact, I believe so strongly in the unyielding righteousness of my own opinions that I created a blog so I could share them with the world. I’m not lobbying for anti-liberal laws, I’m simply voicing my thoughts. That’s what blogs are for. Welcome to the internet.
Also of note, at no point during the article or the comments did I ever mention anything about nature. Perhaps you struggle with reading comprehension as well?
February 14th, 2010 at 2:47 pm
MY lefty liberal bumper sticker reads “No religion=no bullshit.”
Seriously dude, a “coexist” sticker offends you?
I bet you suffer small strokes when you see Peace symbols.
Do smiley faces send you into convulsions?
Coexist doesn’t mean we all have slumber parties together and do reciprocal backrubs. It simply means we can all live on the same planet. And if it weren’t for the fundamentalists of all stripe, it’d be a fait accompli.
Liberals know how to dream big.
February 15th, 2010 at 12:48 am
And conservatives know how to get things done while liberals dream up new ways to spend our money.
February 15th, 2010 at 9:27 am
I bought a Coexist sticker just because of this!!
Thanks man!!
