Zondervan and Apple Team-up to Release iGod
Christian publishing giant Zondervan (of Grand Rapids, Michigan) announced this weekend that it will be teaming with super-chic Apple Computers to release its latest translation: the iGod. To meet the fickle demands of a growing generation of tech-driven youth group yuppies, the iGod offers a 25gig multimedia version of the holy writ complete with SwordDrills, WOW Worship IX, and a “Making The Bible” behind-the-scenes documentary.
Biblical purists and PC users alike are already decrying what they call “a desecration of the Sacred Book by the twin demons of technological advancement and aesthetic appeal.” Apple’s CEO Steve Jobs defended the iGod by saying, “Someone told me once that you can’t put God in a box? Well how about a state-of-the-art, multi-sensory media player that comes in four appealing colors? Can I put him in that?”
87 year-old man feels 82 again
Area octogenarian Merle Farnsworth has a new lease on life today after an exceptionally restful mid-afternoon nap in his rocking chair by the front window. Mr. Farnsworth dozed off halfway through a particularly riveting article in the October 1997 issue of TV Guide and awoke feeling “better than [he's] felt in at least five years.”
On the heels of this youthful energy, Mr. Farnsworth has decided to expand his daily diet from the usual staples of cottage cheese and saltine crackers to again include pineapple chunks and the occasional uncooked hot dog. He was also proud to report that he is now able to climb five stairs without becoming seriously winded and has increased his time between naps to a full 90 minutes.
Mr. Farnsworth has told TTM that if his new found vitality continues he is seriously considering making the trek outside to refill the bird feeder, so that he might again be able to watch the playful sparrows, chickadees, and barn swallows flitting hither and yon across the yard.
Metrosexual Rights Group to March on Washington
Following the lead of their more combative homosexual peers, the metrosexual rights group Groom*d will gather en masse in Washington DC next month, according to the group’s MySpace page.
“We want to end the negative stereotypes,” said organizer Shane W. Fitzpatrick. “Words like ‘base tan’ and ‘faux hawk’ aren’t profanities. And ‘metro’ is more than just a pretty face beneath perfect tufts of gelled hair that accentuate the brown tweed sport coat. It’s about something else.”
Fitzpatrick neglected to comment on what that something else was, but he added that “a lot of metros may feel they have to do this alone. It’s like Jack’s Mannequin says ‘I’ll be strong, but whatever you do/Please don’t get me rescued.’ We want metros everywhere to feel like they can be rescued. We’re extending a hand…it just happens to be moisturized and better manicured than most.”
Fitzpatrick also declined to specify what he meant when he asked this reporter if he was growing “an eyebrow farm.”
This anthology of short articles is reprinted with permission from Off The Record International. Due credit must be given to Mr. Jeff Nelson and Mr. Tory Schalkle for their contributions of the first and third stories, respectively. And, of course, to Kent who wrote the second one.
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