An Excerpt from The Pop Culture Bible: I Kings 18

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Previously on I Kings: Our main man, Elijah, has spent the last three years kickin it in the wilderness east of the Jordan River.  Picture it like Arizona or like the episode of Man vs Wild where Bear Grylls goes to the Mojave Desert except if instead of drinking his own urine, Bear had super-smart ravens that would bring him bread and meat and whatnot.  That’s pretty much what it’s been like for the last three seasons. Apart from the occasional miraculous resurrection, it’s been pretty lame.

Episode 18: “God, Grills, and Girly-Men”

Finally, after three years, Elijah (aka E-Jay) gets a word from the Lord saying, “Go back and face your old nemesis Ahab and tell him that I’m about to rock his world and, if he’s lucky, I might even send some rain his way because – let’s be honest – all the trees are dead.”

So E-Jay walks his emaciated self back to Jerusa-Vegas and heads straight for Ahab’s house (picture Master P’s house from Season 3 of Cribs, but with bigger dungeons).  He rolls up to the door and says, “Wat up Ahab, you big dumbass?” (Yes, E-Jay has some stones.)

And Ahab’s all like, “Oh look, it’s the guy who ruined my life.”  And E-Jay’s like, “Psssh, whateva, you ruined your own life when you stopped praying and started letting your whore wife manage your career.”  And Ahab’s like, “Good point.”

So Elijah tells Ahab to text all the prophets of Asherah and all the prophets of Baal and everyone else who doesn’t think God is awesome and to tell them to meet him on top of this one mountain because he’s ready to make like Ron Artest and crack some skulls.

So everyone gets together up on Mount Carmel.  And my boy E-Jay get’s up there in front of God and everyone and says, “Hey everybody.  Thanks for coming out today.  I think your gods suck.”  (Like I said, the dude’s got some cojones.)

Now the thing to remember about the prophets of Baal and Asherah is that they’re pretty much the Twilight fans of 1500 BC.  And by that I mean: they’re a bunch of little bitches.  So no one says anything.  They just twitter amongst themselves about how Elijah is a hater and how he kind of looks like Osama Bin Laden.

Hearing no objections, E-Jay keeps tearing them a collective new one.  “Would you make up your minds already?!  It’s always Edward this, Jacob that; I swear, every minute I spend with you people I feel like I’m getting more retarded.”

E-Jay says it’s time to figure out once and for all which supernatural being is a baller and which one(s) is a Betty White,  so he suggests they build two grills and throw a slab of Angus on each.  One caveat: they can’t use charcoal or matches or Girl Scout Juice to light them; they’ve got to ask their favorite supernatural star to start the grills for them.

Is this your deity?

Team Baal and Team Asherah may be little bitches, but they also know enough about E-Jay to know that if they back down now, he’ll put them on blast on his next LP, with a song called “God, Grills, and Girly-Men” or something like that.  So they accept the challenge.

The Baalites and Asheraans go first.  They put on a bunch of costumes like they’re going to a midnight premier and dance around their grill shouting out to their gods.  It’s amateur hour at Mt. Carmel: half post-Prom field party, half MGMT video, all fodder for an embarrassing Facebook album.  This goes on for the better part of the morning.  As you’ve probably guessed, Baal and Asherah are about as real as the United States’ chances at The World Cup so, of course, nothing happens.

Around lunchtime, Elijah has had enough.  He starts dogging on the other prophets saying stuff like “maybe your gods are taking a leak, maybe they’re passed out on the pool table, or maybe they’re just real hungover and don’t feel like raining down fire at the moment.”  He also holds up a big sign that says “EPIC FAIL.”  Classic E-Jay

The other prophets are tired and irritable after their morning of dancing so they don’t take too kindly to E-Jay’s lip.  They say, “Screw you Elijah.  Let’s see you do better, you flip-phone-using old man.”  Like I said, they’re at least half retarded.

So Elijah goes over to his homemade Weber and says a quiet prayer his God who happens to also be the Sovereign Lord of the entire universe.  And before he can even finish his prayer, fire falls from the sky and consumes the steaks, the wood, and the entire grill. (I think this probably looked like that part in Independence Day when the laser blasts destroyed New York, Los Angeles, and Washington DC.)

Everyone is stunned and afraid and can do nothing but sit and watch as E-Jay dances around the mountaintop flexing his muscles and shouting “One shot!” like he’s freaking Ronnie from Jersey Shore. When he finishes rubbing it in everyone’s face, he rounds up all the prophets of Baal and Asherah, takes them down near the brook Kishon, and slaughters them.  Hahaha.  Classic E-Jay.

Sadly, murdering the losing team has since been made illegal.

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About the author

Hailing from the great state of Oklahoma, Kent Woodyard was raised in a tepee by an uneducated family of country singers and Native Americans. He taught himself to read by studying a book of knock-knock jokes he found at a cattle auction (thus, his highly refined sense of bourgeois humor). For the last seven years he has been toiling faithfully as "the coolest kid you haven't met yet." He retired from that position the minute you read this. Kent counts Jared Fogle (the guy from the Subway commercials), Keith Olbermann, all the members of Nickelback, and Scar from The Lion King as personal enemies. When Kent grows up, he plans to have enough money to have all these people imprisoned for no reason whatsoever. As of this writing, Kent is acutely interested in the following: weekends, push pops, Disney sing-alongs, Lost discussion boards, widgets, Whoppers (the hamburgers, not the disgusting malt balls), Mongolian throat singers, and the early work of Billy Crystal.
  • james k.

    goodness, this is fantastic!

  • james k.

    goodness, this is fantastic!

  • http://therunningtherapist.blogspot.com/ H.

    awesome work! Hillarious and (pretty much) true to the story, I’ve never been so entertained while reading a “bible story” Please say there are more of these!

  • http://therunningtherapist.blogspot.com/ H.

    awesome work! Hillarious and (pretty much) true to the story, I’ve never been so entertained while reading a “bible story” Please say there are more of these!

  • http://thetalkingmirror.com Kent

    More to come!

  • http://thetalkingmirror.com Kent

    More to come!

  • Leah

    Let’s give credit where credit is due. This is blatant plagiarism, and Eugene Peterson is not gonna be happy.

  • Shaun Z

    Hahahahah this is a great article Kent. Love it man good stuff

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