Osteen discovers an eighth step to becoming a better you
HOUSTON (AP) – Popular “Christian” author and “pastor” Joel Osteen realized last week, to his deepest chagrin, that it actually takes eight steps to become a better person, contrary to the seven step plan outlined in his bestselling book Become a Better You: 7 Keys to Improving Your Life Every Day.
During his “devotional time” yesterday, Mr. Osteen realized that he had inadvertently omitted the supremely-important final step, “Makeover your smile with Crest Whitestrips®! Available for as low as $7.99 at a retailer near you!”
“I can’t believe I forgot to put that in there,” said a distraught Osteen. “The final key is absolutely integral to becoming a better person. The other seven all hinge on the successful completion of step eight.”
The news that the first printing was incomplete did not surprise early readers. Most report feeling completely unchanged by the book, unless one counts the $14.95 that was taken out of their wallet to purchase it.
Osteen has recalled all copies of the book and hopes to have the new edition out by early June.
Area man takes acquaintance’s advice to “have a good night.”
WHEATON (AP) – Area man Terry McRenner had his world rocked Tuesday night when Aaron Thompson – a random acquaintance – suggested he “have a good night” during an unexpected encounter in the frozen foods section of Jewel Osco.
“I hadn’t even considered it, really,” said McRenner of the words received from Thompson. “‘Have a good night?’ Yeah, I guess that sounds feasible.”
The two men – who know each other from a mutual friend – took a break from shopping for frozen dinners to politely chat about the weather, work, and women. “We were just talking about the three W’s, and then, out of nowhere, he drops this chocolaty nougat of truth on me, and it was…delicious. What’s his name? Adam? Oh right, Aaron. Aaron really challenged me that night.”
McRenner left that conversation and went to his apartment, where he proceeded to play Halo 2 and listen to his favorite album – “Supa Dupa Fly” by Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott.
“All day long I had planned on having a bad night – doing some laundry and listening to my roommate cry about getting dumped last week. But Alex… er, Aaron is a wise acquaintance. Because of him, I had a good night.”
In a related story, area woman Breanne Berros had a miraculous turnaround in her health after distant Uncle Shawn sent her a “Get Better Soon” card.
God now taking suggestions on how to perfect His will
HEAVAN (AP) – Due to a recent rise in complaints about God’s plans for our lives, representatives from heaven have announced that God will now be taking suggestions on how to enhance the quality of life for His creation.
Sources say that people have been praying for centuries about their personal suffering, offering incredibly helpful insights and possible solutions to increase happiness. So, on the 453,117,090,443th day, God created the Suggestion Box. And He saw that it was good.
Staunch happiness activist Joel Osteen is quickly rising as the hero of this new resource. “This is a good step for God, but I won’t be satisfied until I’m completely happy, all the time,” said Osteen. “Oh, yeah, and other people too.” Osteen’s first suggestion for God was that “Your Best Life Now” would sell more copies than the Bible in 2010.
James Dobson, another member of God’s T-Mobile “Fav 5,” is confident that God knows what He’s doing now. “We’re really taking the whole ‘ask and you shall receive’ thing seriously now. We mean it this time.”
God has already received trillions of suggestions, ranging from “guiding the surgeon’s hands in Uncle John’s surgery” to “reciprocated feelings from Stacy” to “world domination.” Other reported suggestions include “an A on the spelling test” and “that this banana wouldn’t be so mushy, plus a Nintendo Wii.”
There have also been reports of a relatively unknown but highly respected satire website requesting that God provide them with a full staff, funding, and a fan base effective immediately. Updates to come.
Once again, we must offer up our most sincere gratitude to Stephen Joseph Hoey. Not only is he a damn decent individual, he also contributed the second and third dispatches.
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