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Biased Reviews: A 5th Grader Reports on Avatar

With so much reveling, carousing, and dri – uhh…bowl game watching going on in recent days, it’s been tough to find time to sate TTM’s insatiable hunger for fresh content.  Fortunately, my 12 year-old cousin is not old enough to dri – umm…doesn’t like football, and therefore had plenty of free time.  While on Christmas Break, Benjamin’s class was asked to write a report on a movie that he saw or a book that he read.  Like every other 5th grader this side of Pyongyang, Benjamin saw “Avatar”.  He has graciously submitted his “movie report” for publication on this site.

SPOILER ALERT: He pretty much gives away the whole movie.

BY: Benjamin Woodyard

BY: Benjamin Woodyard

I want to tell you guys out there about the movie Avatar. It’s so cool.  The dragons are so cool.  The floating mountains are so cool.  The main guy (I forget his name) is so cool.  I think pretty much everyone thinks it’s probably the best movie of all time.  Some people might say Harry Potter or Monsters Inc. or something else is better, but that’s probably because they saw it in a normal theater instead of in 3-D which is how I saw it.

Avatar is about this soldier who’s in a wheelchair for some reason we don’t know about.  (Probably from fighting the terrorists in Detroit.)  He goes in a space ship to another planet which is kind of like Earth except cooler because they have aliens and dragons.

When he gets to the new planet he meets this army general who talks about how everyone wants to kill the people but how the people are going to kill everyone first because the people have guns and no one else does.  I think.  It was kind of confusing.  But then the wheelchair guy meets the mean lady from Holes.  She’s a scientist or something.  She’s mean to him at first because he’s in a wheelchair.  My mom says this is called “disc-information.”

So then the wheelchair guy goes into this tube and when he wakes up he’s one of the aliens.  The scientist lady and some other people are aliens too.  They all go exploring the planet together.  Wheelchair guy gets separated from the group when these big rhinoceros-looking monsters chase him into the forest.  Oh yeah, he’s not in a wheelchair anymore.  It gets dark and everyone else has to go home to bed (probably by 9:30) but he stays out in the jungle cause he’s lost.

Some dogs with six legs try to eat him but an alien girl saves him. All the animals have six legs which I guess is better than four.  The alien girl isn’t wearing a shirt and you can totally see her boobs but my mom said it was okay because she’s an alien and her boobs are blue.  She only has two boobs.  She takes him to her tribe and at first they want to kill him but they decide not to.

For a long time he hangs out with the aliens to learn how to be like them.  Here’s some of the stuff he does: climbs trees, rides horses, hunts with a bow and arrow, plugs his ponytail into stuff, and wrestles dragons!!  That was probably my favorite part.  That or the time he smashed the two helicopters together like they were made out of LEGOs.

Then he falls in love with the girl alien who rescued him and things get weird for a minute. My mom made me cover my eyes during this part but I think they were doing the same thing Brian (that’s my older brother) was doing with his girlfriend last week when my parents were out to dinner.  So things are going good for the main guy.

But then everything gets bad because the guy from Gone in 60 Seconds wants to open a coal mine right where the aliens are camping.  I know how he feels because one time I wanted to build a fort behind the couch (which is probably the best spot in my house to build a fort) but my dad said I couldn’t because we had company coming over.

The main guy thinks if the humans kick the aliens out, then the girl alien won’t make out with him anymore, so he tells the humans to leave them alone.  So then there’s a big battle.  I don’t want to give away how the battle ends, but basically it’s like the end of Return of the Jedi except the aliens are awesome like Legolas from Lord of the Rings instead of like the Ewoks who are stupid like my little sister’s zhu zhu pet.

That’s pretty much the rest of the movie except for this part at the end where all the humans get kicked off the planet.  My mom said the movie had a “viral mental” message and that’s why my dad had to sell his Hummer.  I think the message is that dragons are awesome and aliens aren’t as bad as some movies make them look.

One day I hope to visit another planet.

The idea for this article and several of it’s humorous lines were taken from an article written for another publication by Mark “Sugar, We’re Going Down” Downey.  It is used with his begrudging permission.  Mr. Downey has not tasted meat since the spring of 1993, but he has killed more squirrels than you will likely ever see.

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