Surely we have all watched with curiosity as “Occupy” protests have erupted around the globe, even in futile places like my scenic home town of McAllen, TX. This fervent movement spread like wildfire all over the world in a matter of weeks, garnering support and media attention faster than a marital lawsuit against Kim Kardashian. Personally, I hate the government and the rat bastard Wall Streeters that landed people of my age group the envied title of “The Lost Generation,” so I was anxious to join the fist shaking, albeit from the comfort of my own home. After all, as The Secret tells us, all we have to do to get things done is send out positive vibes into the universe, right?

These Occupiers, if I understood correctly, were protesting the fact that much of the wealth in the United States (and the world in general) is concentrated in a small group of people, the “1%,” while the majority of people, the “99%,” are languishing in varying levels of dissatisfaction, if not poverty. I can get on board with that. I’d rather most people be provided for, working, and content than otherwise. Who, honestly, wouldn’t prefer that? I’m not sure even those stone-hearted, baby-tear-drinking, dream-shitting-upon one percenters would disagree with that sentiment down in their heart of hearts.
So, we established that we’re discontented about the state of things and as such, we decided to have us an Occupation. Alright, cool. Go team, I like it. Let’s be the change that Obama left on the campaign trail. But after the initial shock-wave of excited rebellion dissipated, people began to ask a very, very important question: What did they want? We know why they were protesting (I’m pretty sure), but what objective were these Occupiers seeking to accomplish?

And that’s where no amount of ugly glasses, varying forms of unkempt facial hair, or unemployed angst could provide a cogent answer. The Occupy protest turned into a really, really large, angry two year-old. It was mad, its arms were crossed in unyielding defiance, but it could not, to save its life, tell you what would get it in the damn car seat. That is why, to date, I would call this movement a failure.

One might pipe up and say “No, Irishman, they have not failed. They raised awareness about the populace’s dissatisfaction with corporations and rich people, fiscal inequality, and percentages.” Okay, I hear you. The problem I have with that is that a movement of this magnitude had a lot of power. To use it just to raise awareness about something with which most people are quite well acquainted is irresponsible and, I would even say, stupid.

What do we do now, then? How could we make this movement into more than a global temper tantrum? I have a couple ideas in mind that I think both sides of the aisle could get behind.

First: Term limits. Think about it. How do corporations get the power that they have? Why do politicians seem so disinterested in accomplishing anything that could benefit their constituents, despite the political consequences? We have a system where politicians are much more concerned with their careers than they are concerned with service of their constituents. This means doing favors for corporations and lobbyists in order to garner the monetary support of numerous political action committees, both for their campaigns and for personal gain. If you limit their terms, the idea of a “career politician” becomes null and void, forcing our leaders to actually lead rather than obsess over partisan rhetoric and accomplish nothing.

Second: regulation of the derivative market. These obscure financial instruments are largely unregulated and, many would say, (including the critically acclaimed PBS production Frontline) played a large part in the financial meltdown in 2008 and in the recent collapse of MF Global. Obama promised strict regulation of this risky market, but has not succeeded in passing anything, maybe because of the strong financial lobby that manipulates career politicians who can be in power for a lifetime.

These are just a couple valid, realistic goals for the Occupy Movement that would benefit our entire country and make their protests more than just an angry blip in history.

Kent Woodyard and myself, Conor McCarthy, the imminent humor writers and cultural commentators at TheTalkingMirror.com (TTM™), have chosen to step out of our silence and pledge our votes for Rick Santorum for the Republican Primary.

Allow me to explain.

You may recall that, following our 2008 endorsement of Mitt Romney in the Republican primaries, Romney’s poll numbers plummeted. He was eventually defeated, with the nomination going to John McCain. An association with TTM is now widely considered the kiss of death in the political world, with Kent and me now being regarded as campaign coffin builders.

That was our bad on that one. Ol’ Mittens begged us not to endorse him but we thought it was because his Mormon proclivities required him to show mercy to his enemies. Turns out, an endorsement from us is like farting at a funeral. It’s a bad thing, socially, I mean. I wish we could take credit for McCain’s loss too, but that was all on Palin. We told McCain he needed to “sex up his campaign a bit” because boobs win votes, but he took that way too seriously. We never intended for him to give his eye candy a microphone.  Kind of our fault in a way, I guess.

Since the last election, Kent and I have had time to reflect on the impact we made almost four years ago. We’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it and talking about it – between discussions about which True Blood character is gayer. We were pretty confused at the time, sort of like how I always feel when a girl doesn’t slap me when I talk to her at a bar. Kind of a stunned, dazed feeling. Like I wonder if she’s a hooker, you know?

Well, we get it now. Santorum is our guy. He’s the best.

Santorum is the most reasonable dude out there. Electable, home-schooled, not at all a total fundamentalist asshole. It’s not like the surge that led him to a win in Iowa was a total fluke. It’s not like Iowa is honestly the least important state in the union and the last damn place we should be looking for political guidance as a country. It’s not like those things at all.

All the clothes I wear have “Santorum 2012” printed on them somewhere, and that will continue well into 2013. This includes my boxers, briefs, and banana hammocks. I invite you to envision that as creatively as possible.

TTM wholeheartedly throws its considerable girth behind Rick Sanatorium. Every time he speaks I just want to chest-bump Jesus, know what I mean? Kent and I both agree that every time Santorum speaks the angel Gabriel curb-stomps a Las Vegas resident and high fives Tim Tebow.

With the exception of Dawson’s Creek trivia, we don’t know much of anything about anything, but we do know this country absolutely doesn’t need a level-headed moderate that is fluent in Mandarin like Jon Huntsman. Screw that guy. Good thing he dropped out. He’s a crazy Mormon like Obamney, all they want is to level up so they get their own planet to rule over.

Newt Gingrich’s head is bigger than a regulation basketball. How on earth could we elect a leader of the free whose bobble-head figurines could be built to scale? We can’t have that. We’d get less respect than if a woman was the president.

And before you evangelicals ask, yes, we’ve prayed about it and stuff. And yes, we’re sober. Santorum is the man for the job. Not Ron Paul, with all his notions of freedom and the constitution and whatever. He uses words I don’t even know and makes cogent, unemotional arguments, and that scares me.  Also, he’s old.

Santorum speaks our language. Faith, Family, and Freedom. Know what we say to that, here at TTM?

Santorum 2012.  Yes, we f***ing can.

Chicago native of Korean descent also knows no martial arts

HOUSTON – The employment of James Kim as youth pastor at Mt. Olive Baptist church here has resulted in some disappointment among church members, but not for the usual pastoral dissatisfaction reasons.

“When I saw that we had hired him, I was so excited,” said church treasurer Lilly Rudd. “I thought we could finally start an outreach to the Chinese and Filipino populations of Houston, but when he opened his mouth I noticed there was no accent at all – even his l’s and r’s were all pronounced right. That’s when I had to ask him if he even spoke Chinese at all. I was completely speechless when he told me he’d never even been outside the US.”

Kim’s great grandparents emigrated from Korea to Northern Illinois in the early 1920’s. Despite persistent ethnic misconceptions from new acquaintances throughout his life, Kim says that he actually knows very little about Asian cultures.

“Well, I went to high school on the north side of Chicago, I root for the Bears,” Kim said. “My dad’s an engineer, not a convenience store owner, and I don’t really know how to cook any special kinds of food.”

But while he may be completely comfortable in his fully Americanized skin, Kim’s ambivalence toward his heritage is causing some problems in his new position. Kurt Eisen, a longtime member of Mt. Olive Baptist who served on the search committee that ultimately hired Kim, says that he feels Kim misrepresented himself.

“We had a lot of good candidates for the job,” Eisen said. “It was a really close race between some really good guys, and the slightest considerations ended up making the difference. While we may not have discussed it directly with him, the committee talked a lot about how great it would be to start some karate outreach programs with the youth group and how it would be cool to do some Kabuki drama skits on Sundays. Now, it looks like none of that is gonna happen. Needless to say, we were quite disappointed.”

Kim seems unfazed by the nonplussed nature of his new employers.

“We’re talking about starting a basketball ministry to reach out to some of the poorer youth in the African American neighborhoods,” he said. “Then we were talking about some kind of Halo 3 party to draw the kids in, but we’ll have to talk about that, because I’m not very good at video games.”

As far as satiating the hunger of church leaders for some eastern flavor from their youth leader, Kim says that there are a few things that may stand him in better stead over time.

“I’ve had acupuncture a couple of times, and I really liked it,” he said. “Oh, plus, I took some violin lessons as a kid, so I think I’ll be OK.”

“Sure, we make fun of Catholics. I mean, they do worship Mary and all, but no one can deny that their use of guilt as mind control revolutionized religion” said Dan Alterman, pastor of some church which members describe as “bible-based.” According to Alterman, guilt has long been used to control church-goers.

“It’s easy to throw a guilt trip at someone, and then ‘boom,’ you have your adult chaperon for your next mission trip to Guatemala.”

Catholics, Alterman says, have perfected the use of guilt, getting their followers worldwide to do crazy things like giving up chocolate during Lent or telling their deepest, darkest secrets to lonely, unmarried men.

“Statistics show that only 24% of the world’s usable guilt is being utilized as an energy source,” Alterman says, not citing any resources. “It’s time to bring guilt into the 21st century.”

(Note: This stat is a bit misleading as it leaves out the fact that TOMS Shoes is burning roughly 16% of the world’s guilt by selling shoes to help improve the lives of the people who made the Nike shoes that the TOMS customers feel guilty for buying in the first place.)

“We see it as a way of reaching out to the community, and the rest of the world, and saying, ‘Jesus loves the WHOLE WORLD, even the hippy, environmental part of it,’” Alterman explained.

Many members, including Alterman himself, are doing their best to raise awareness about the new fuel which will purportedly fuel everything from cars to toasters to the factories that produce the Prius that Alterman drives to church.

Alterman’s own son Josh had the idea – some might call it a divine revelation – while observing the exhaling breaths of people at concessions stands at the moment that they are asked if they want cheese with their soft pretzel. “There’s a lot of guilt tied up in getting a pretzel AND the processed cheese sauce” says the 17 year-old who works at the AMC over on Roy Road. This was the initial breakthrough that lead Alterman to begin harvesting “guilt sighs” during his famous sermon series Sad-Looking Minority Children and Starving Puppies.

But after harvesting all of that guilt, how will it be used as fuel? Alterman has the answer: “We’re doing our best to be ecumenical, so we’re working with General Motors’ Smart Energy People [Editor: "Engineers"] to develop a new engine powered entirely by guilt.” The questions of whether or not the technology to efficiently turn guilt into energy is possible or whether or not Alterman knows that he incorrectly used the word “ecumenical” have yet to be answered.

A GM prototype sketch featuring the theoretical "Guilt-Eating Rabbit Engine"

Stay with TTM for further developments.

TTM welcomes the humorous musings of Matt Browning of “Real World: Omaha” fame to our humble website. We have spent the last six months recruiting Matt, and almost lost him to the Bulls. Luckily, LeBron ganked his spot and he had to settle.

And I also went up from my couch, in my living room, in apartment 113, to the mailboxes, which are over by the leasing office, to mailbox number 113 because I am of the apartment and mailbox #113.  Also, it was a Saturday and I wasn’t really doing anything else and whenever I don’t check my mailbox for a couple days it always fills up with junk mail until there’s hardly any room for important bills and stuff.

Arriving at mailbox 113, I discovered that the receptacle was indeed stuffed to the brim with Ralph’s coupons, credit card offers, Trader Joe’s flyers, and various other marketing miscellany.  The time had come to clear it out.  So I wrapped the junk mail together and stuffed a bunch of it in the outgoing mail slot, because there was no room for it in the trash can.  But before junking the junk mail, I was careful to extract the census form of which the Commerce Department had spoken.

And in the same region, later on that day, I was back on my couch keeping watch over the NCAA Tournament games at night.  When suddenly, a commercial from the government appeared before me and the sound of propaganda was all around me, and I was filled with confusion.

And the commercial said unto me, “Be not confused, for behold, I bring you good news of great appropriations which will be for all taxpayers.  For unto you is offered this day, from the city of Washington in the District of Columbia, a government distribution which is more than $400 million.  And this will be the sign unto you, you will find your census form, wrapped in an envelope and lying in your mailbox.”  And suddenly there was on the commercial a multitude of disembodied voices praising the census and saying,

“We can’t move forward, until you mail it back.  We can’t move forward, until you mail it back.”

When the commercial ended and a plug for Two and a Half Men appeared, I said to myself, “let me go over to the table and see this free-money form which the commercial has made known to me.”  And I went with haste and found the form lying on the table next to a box of Berry Berry Kix and beneath a copy of Sports Illustrated’s Swimsu …I mean…March Madness Preview.

I remembered the saying which I had heard concerning this form and was eager to discover the criteria by which the government doled out its blessed funding.  I made known to the form my birth date and skin color and was astonished to see that I was not questioned further.  Is that all that is necessary for the judicious appropriation of public monies?   What of my education?  What of my marketable skills, virtuous lifestyle, or community service experience?

In this manner it was made clear that personal merit is of no concern to the form.  As has been foretold since days long past, one cannot obtain the grace of the government through hard work and personal achievement.  It is only with one’s national descent that the government is concerned.

As the Reverend Jesse Jackson has rightly stated, “the government giveth and the government taketh away.  Blessed be the government and blessed be the Chicano, Filipino, Alaskan Native, Hmong, Laotian, and Pacific Islander with whom the government is well pleased.”

And all who heard of the form were greatly amazed and gave praise to their government for its unmerited favor.

But I treasured up all these things, pondering them in my heart.  (And on my website).

As you may have noticed, airport screening measures have increased since the “underwear bomber” was arrested on December 25 at Detroit’s international airport.

Several clever Republicans bravely recommend all Muslims be profiled for special, more stringent flight screening. You know, cause non-Muslims never do anything wrong with airplanes.

But is this enough? Are they aware of the latest threat? Beware the most recent al Qaeda terrorist innovation: the anal cavity bomber.

It doesn’t sound plausible until you put on your swim shorts and jump head first down that slippery slope of logic.

Yup, your poop shoot is the last convenient place to hide a bomb. First it was baggage, but they nailed that one pretty quick. After 9/11, it was your shoes. Thanks Richard Reid. An extra minute removing the shoes solved that problem.

The next two places made terrorism downright sexy.

This past month, it became underwear, the last source of privacy on the outside of your body. Now airport screeners have to scan through your clothes using high-tech X-rays, the stuff only nerdy science geeks reading 60s comic book classified ads can dream up. Wonder what Ethel has under those knickers? Calm down there, Johnny, because science has the answer!

It’s underwear.  And some C4.

And now, there’s only one logical place left. The anal cavity. How do I know this? Picture the average high school freshman pothead as he attempts to avoid principals, cops and drug dogs. What steps does he use to hide his weed? Locker first, then backpack, then shoes, then underwear, and lastly, his anus.

Expect Bertha and Melvin with Homeland Security to go through more latex gloves than a 5^th grade science class on Fetal Pig Dissection Day. That’s because the new anal cavity bomber cannot be stopped using the X-rays. He’s going to “BEEP” walking through the metal detector, even if he is buck naked.

Where is the bomb? Must be a computer glitch. Not so fast! It’s the anal cavity bomber! Looks like Mohammed has a new trick up his … sleeve.  So how do you, the vigilant tourist, stop the violent terrorist?

Remain calm. It should be pretty easy to spot a potential terrorist attempting to detonate an explosive inside his anus (i.e. forcing the explosive out of the cavity, or reaching for the explosive’s trigger inside the cavity.)

By all means, wrestle the (what most likely is a) Muslim to the ground, turban first, and make sure the device is kept firmly inside the anal cavity. The explosion will be less deadly if it remains inside the anus, just like a fart.

With that said, there is nothing else you can do. Once they get ‘em through the anus, we’re screwed – literally and figuratively.

PELOSI’S BILL FOR FEDERALLY FUNDED TOILET PAPER OPTION INCLUDES FINES FOR NOT WIPING ASS

POLL SHOWS MAJORITY OF AMERICANS DON’T TRUST POLLS

TEN MILLION CHINESE TROOPS “JUST VISITING,” SAYS OBAMA

WANDA SYKES SHOW IN SECOND SEASON – AMERICANS BAFFLED

15 MORE WOMEN, 6 MEN, 3 HORSES, 4 SHEEP, AND AN END TABLE CLAIM TO HAVE HAD AFFAIR WITH TIGER WOODS

GLOBAL WARMING NOW PERVASIVE, CATASTROPHIC; CHICAGO A TROPICAL PARADISE

CATHOLIC PRIEST CLAIMS TIGER WOODS MOLESTED HIM

OBAMA OFFERS CALIFORNIA TO CHINA AS DEBT REPAYMENT, “NO THANK YOU” THEY RESPOND

AMERICA INVADES IRAN, OBAMA WINS SECOND NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

JIMMY FALLON STILL TELLING JOKES ABOUT PRESIDENT BUSH

PALIN ANNOUNCES RUN FOR PRESIDENCY IN 2012, BABY JESUS CRIES

ILLINOIS SELLS OBAMA’S SENATE SEAT TO MARK CUBAN TO COMBAT RISING BUDGETARY DEFICIT

OBAMA BECOMES FIRST BLACK PERSON TO GIVE “STATE OF THE UNION” ADDRESS

WORLD CUP MAKES AFRICA SEEM ALMOST BEARABLE

WINTER OLYMPICS A SUCCESS, NO ONE NOTICES

FURBY ARRESTED FOR PUBLIC DRUNKENNESS, SAYS, “I USED TO BE ON TOP.”

“SEXT” RAPIST GETS DEATH SENTENCE; JURY SAYS, “C YA”

ABC’S “BIGGEST LOSER: RELAPSE” CANCELLED, AMERICA LOSES HOPE

LOST’S SMOKE MONSTER REVEALED, OBAMA TO GUEST STAR

KANYE INTERRUPTS OBAMA’S NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY, SAYS “DESMOND TUTU WAS BETTER”

Thanks to Christian Gonzalez and Kent for contributing headlines to the list.

Do you have a communicable disease of public health significance such as tuberculosis (TB)?

Have you ever violated, or engaged in a conspiracy to violate, any law relating to controlled substances?

Are you coming to the United States to engage in prostitution or unlawful commercialized vice or have you been engaged in prostitution or procuring prostitutes within the past 10 years?

Do you seek to engage in espionage, sabotage, export control violations, or any other illegal activity while in the United States?

Do you seek to engage in terrorist activities while in the United States or have you ever engaged in terrorist activities?

Have you ever or do you intend to provide financial assistance or other support to terrorists or terrorist organizations?

Are you a member or representative of a terrorist organization?

Have you ever ordered, incited, committed, assisted, or otherwise participated in genocide?

Have you ever committed, ordered, incited, assisted, or otherwise participated in torture?

Have you committed, ordered, incited, assisted, or otherwise participated in extrajudicial killings, political killings, or other acts of violence?

Someone got paid American tax dollars to sit in an office and come up with these questions. It probably took them six months and cost millions of dollars. And all for what? It screens out the completely moronic people that actually answer in the affirmative.

I suppose if an immigrant gets caught committing a crime mentioned in this questionnaire, they could also get prosecuted for lying to the government, but do you really need another reason besides “started a brothel” to deport someone? “Started a brothel and is such a total liar. We’re going to deport you, let you back in, and then deport you again. Suck it.” How long before you think they start asking multiple choice questions?

Circle some of your favorite activities:
A. Murdering
B. Pillaging
C. Violencing
D. All of the Above

Is there a way to answer any of these questions that won’t get you denied entry, besides “no”? Any ideas? My favorite so far is “just for fun.” Kent likes “not yet.” Post your responses below!

I’m sure you’ve seen this sticker.  It was probably plastered to the ass end of a Prius outside a farmer’s market or college book store or abortion clinic in Vermont and you probably didn’t even look twice at it.  Maybe you thought it was clever.  Maybe you were dimly accepting of its message.  Well you were wrong.  It’s not clever, it’s not cute, it’s not creative.  It’s ignorant.  It also happens to be one of the three things a human being can do to make me instantly dislike them and discount everything they say from that point further:

1)      They can talk during an episode of LOST.

2)      They can say (during LOST or at any other time), “You know, George Lopez is actually pretty funny.”

3)      They can put a “Coexist” sticker on the bumper of their car.

For anyone remotely familiar with my political leanings (i.e. mostly confused but leaning toward conservative), it should come as no surprise that I despise these stickers.  What may surprise you is that the mere sight of a Coexist sticker is enough to induce a rage blackout during which vehicular homicide is given serious consideration.  (Note: The irony of this reversal of the sticker’s message is not lost on me.)

These stickers are intellectual travesties and my hatred of them has little to do with my love of holy wars.  I mean sure, I enjoy some good old-fashioned religious violence as much as the next Boondock Saints fan, but I’m willing to admit that it can occasionally get out of hand (i.e. the World Trade Center attacks, Battlefield Earth, pretty much everything that happened between 1095 and 1291, etc).  My problem with these stickers is that they – like most liberal platitudes – get praised for being “noble” and “inspiring” when what they really are is “inane” and “meaningless”.

These stickers carry the same intellectual legitimacy as a sticker saying “Abolish Mondays” or “Give Dinosaurs a Chance”.  It sounds nice.  It seems like something we could all get behind.  But it means nothing.  It’s like a Lil Wayne album or the Matrix trilogy, it sounds pretty good and it looks compelling, but, upon closer inspection, it doesn’t make any damn sense.  These stickers are pie-in-the-sky liberalism at its worst.  They give liberals a chance to engage in their favorite pastimes like raising awareness, hoping, and holding signs but they are have no grounding in the world most of us call home.

Let’s take a look at the groups depicted in the Coexist sticker.  One (Islam) is unwaveringly committed to the destruction of one of the others (Judaism).  Another (Wicca/Paganism) celebrates and worships all that one of the others (Christianity) considers evil.  A third one (female sign) is biologically wired to destroy all that another (male sign) holds dear.  It’s Ohio State vs. Michigan but with 3,000 years of bad blood behind it.  And now what?  Leaders of these mutually-exclusive congregations are supposed to set aside their dogmas, join hands, and dance around the mosquechurchogogue together because an REI employee from Seattle thought it was a good idea?  Give me a break.

I know I sound uncompassionate and defeatist saying these things, but that’s what happens when you make fun of liberals.  They have the moral high ground.  They love peace, poor people, and puppies and if you oppose them you must hate all those things.  Or, maybe you realize that certain things in the world aren’t going to change.  As long as religions exist there will be religious conflict.  We’re never going to outlaw currency.  Bumper stickers aren’t going to free Tibet.  Music isn’t going to change the world.  And people are going to keep handing Glenn Beck microphones.

Once we establish certain conditions as brute facts of the universe, we can stop wasting our time fighting them and start focusing on the things we can impact.  Like bringing back the McRib or getting Jay Leno off television.  I’ve had to do this in my own life.  I said to myself, “Ok, dinosaurs aren’t coming back. What else is there that could introduce some modicum of fulfillment into your existence?”  It was in this manner that I discovered writing half-assed articles on the internet.

It is time liberals did the same.  I just hope they don’t also discover writing half-assed articles on the internet.  That could be worse.

Unfortunately, Californians are as bad at whispering as they are at putting out wild fires or being straight.  They peddled their dream through teen soap operas, Colin Hanks movies, and pop/punk songs to a waiting world and it died quicker than a security guard at a Raiders game.  What remains is the bombed out shell of a state that has all the charm of Miami in the 80s except with higher taxes and slightly less cocaine.

Thanks to California, we now know the answer to the age-old quandary: what would happen if 30 million addicts, war protesters, child actors and sex offenders banded together and took over a country?  What happens is a deficit of $26.3 billion, an unemployment rate of 9.3%, humans breeding with goats, and a thousand other maladies born from a populace that is heavy on opinions and light on fully-functioning brains.

When it comes to government futility, it is hard to imagine a place south of Moscow better at it than California.  The state is simply and obviously ungovernable.  Criminals don’t stay in jail.  Kids don’t stay in school.  Roads don’t work like they’re supposed to.  Air doesn’t taste like it’s supposed to.  And tax dollars…well, uhh…haha, about those tax dollars…they’re umm…yeah, they’re gone.

As the uproar over the state’s fiscal starvation becomes loud enough to drown out the American Idol auditions, more and more Californians have started scrambling to figure out just what in the hell everyone is talking about.  This has split the state between people who can’t figure out what the big deal with a measly $26.3 billion is and people who don’t believe that 26.3 billion is a real number.    The rest are just happy to be upset about something and, in all likelihood, probably think they’re raising money for Africa.

Since most of the citizenry is busy trying to count to 26 billion on their toes, The Governator chose last week as the time to send out an innocuous little email letting everyone know that he’ll be appropriating an additional 10% from our paychecks for the next two months.  Not to worry though, this is not a tax increase; merely a temporary hike in deductions that will address the state’s current budget “shortfall.”  Basically, Uncle Arnie needs an advance on next year’s allowance so he can buy a few lotto tickets and keep the bookies at bay until after Christmas.  Besides, we owe him the money anyway.  If he winds up taking more of our checks this year than he normally would, he will be happy to send us a refund in April.  He’s not taking our money, he’s borrowing it.  He’s totally gonna pay us back when he can.

Mr Schwarzenegger is able to get away with this because he knows the average California voter doesn’t understand economic principles like opportunity cost, the time value of money, or direct deposit.  Having not been educated by the California public school system, I do understand these principles.  I also understand an even more relevant one: the importance of hoarding Halloween candy when it goes on clearance.  I love me some candy corn and Reese’s cups and I really could have used that extra 10% of my income on Sunday afternoon.  Will I still be able to buy bags of fun size Snickers for $0.85 when I get my tax refund in April?  Not likely.

This is the stupefying ineptitude of the California political machine.  They raise my taxes in order to open more smog-check stations and hire more police officers to keep me from texting while I’m driving and all they succeed in doing is coming between me and my cheap candy.  In Sacramento this is referred to as “collateral damage.”  Where I come from it’s referred to as stealing.

I can deal with the flavored air.  I can deal with the surcharges on my debit card purchases.  I was even getting used to the radio stations that are half Spanish, half English.  But I cannot deal with one more cent of my paycheck going to subsidize the spending habits of a government that’s trying desperately to destroy its state before God does.  If I wanted that I would have moved to Zimbabwe.

That being said, it’s November 3^rd and I haven’t worn long-sleeves in seven months.  So, you know, no complaints.