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Please, if there is a merciful bone anywhere in your body, just split the check for us

Of all the awful, unforgivable things a waiter can say to me (i.e. “Unfortunately, we’re all out of meatloaf.” “We don’t have Dr. Pepper, is Mr. Pibb okay?” “We don’t serve your kind.”) unquestionably the most abhorrent is some rendition of the following: “I’m sorry, we can’t split dinner checks.” My heart sinks, my eyes […]

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Harmless Hobby or Predatory Pastime: A word on “People Watching”

Look at her sitting there, just popping her Bubblicious Gum (probably pink lemonade flavor, her favorite and mine), coyly twirling her fingers through her hair, while she waits to board her flight to Omaha. No wedding band.  About my age.  Definitely within the acceptable range (+/- 8 years). I’m loving that Baylor hoodie. Green does wonders for […]

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Review: Wendy’s is the best food I have ever tasted and I never want to eat anywhere else

By Will Grazer – TTM Food Critic Dude, drive faster, drive faster! There it is! Don’t miss the turn!! OH YEAH!!!!!!! I FREAKING LOVE WEDNESDAYS!!! Right. Wendy’s. What’d I say? Oh. Well, all I’m sayin is…Wait…wait…hold on a sec, I wanna, I wanna say something……wait…is this…….is this Taco Bell? Oh. I thought someone said chalupa. […]

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An Open Letter to the Assembled Law Enforcement Officers of the Various States I Have Visited or Resided in

Good evening officers and officerettes, I think you will all agree when I say that something has gone terribly awry in this relationship.  Over the past six years, I have had impromptu and involuntary rendezvous with nearly all of you.  These little get-togethers usually begin poorly and inevitably end even worse.  In fact, I believe […]

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Satan: Animals are My Kind of People

Greetings and Salutations!  I trust you all are finding this interminable winter as joyless and bitter as I intended.  You’ll have to forgive me for the many weeks that have passed since my last post.  What can I say?  The holidays are a busy time for me.  If I’m not pounding eggnog and Bacardi by […]

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It’s Never a Good Idea to Quote Movies During an RDT

(Author’s Note: For those of you who did not attend a Christian College, an “RDT” is an acronym for a Relationship Defining Talk.) Local Starbucks barista, Joshua Anderson’s dreams of Valentine’s Day bliss were crushed Monday evening in what observers are calling “the most catastrophic miscalculation of romantic intentions since Monica Lewinsky.”  Anderson’s ill-advised RDT […]

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