Chicago native of Korean descent also knows no martial arts

HOUSTON – The employment of James Kim as youth pastor at Mt. Olive Baptist church here has resulted in some disappointment among church members, but not for the usual pastoral dissatisfaction reasons.

“When I saw that we had hired him, I was so excited,” said church treasurer Lilly Rudd. “I thought we could finally start an outreach to the Chinese and Filipino populations of Houston, but when he opened his mouth I noticed there was no accent at all – even his l’s and r’s were all pronounced right. That’s when I had to ask him if he even spoke Chinese at all. I was completely speechless when he told me he’d never even been outside the US.”

Kim’s great grandparents emigrated from Korea to Northern Illinois in the early 1920’s. Despite persistent ethnic misconceptions from new acquaintances throughout his life, Kim says that he actually knows very little about Asian cultures.

“Well, I went to high school on the north side of Chicago, I root for the Bears,” Kim said. “My dad’s an engineer, not a convenience store owner, and I don’t really know how to cook any special kinds of food.”

But while he may be completely comfortable in his fully Americanized skin, Kim’s ambivalence toward his heritage is causing some problems in his new position. Kurt Eisen, a longtime member of Mt. Olive Baptist who served on the search committee that ultimately hired Kim, says that he feels Kim misrepresented himself.

“We had a lot of good candidates for the job,” Eisen said. “It was a really close race between some really good guys, and the slightest considerations ended up making the difference. While we may not have discussed it directly with him, the committee talked a lot about how great it would be to start some karate outreach programs with the youth group and how it would be cool to do some Kabuki drama skits on Sundays. Now, it looks like none of that is gonna happen. Needless to say, we were quite disappointed.”

Kim seems unfazed by the nonplussed nature of his new employers.

“We’re talking about starting a basketball ministry to reach out to some of the poorer youth in the African American neighborhoods,” he said. “Then we were talking about some kind of Halo 3 party to draw the kids in, but we’ll have to talk about that, because I’m not very good at video games.”

As far as satiating the hunger of church leaders for some eastern flavor from their youth leader, Kim says that there are a few things that may stand him in better stead over time.

“I’ve had acupuncture a couple of times, and I really liked it,” he said. “Oh, plus, I took some violin lessons as a kid, so I think I’ll be OK.”

HEAVEN – Sources close to Jesus say the Lord has grown weary of greeting lukewarm Christians with the traditional “well done, thou good and faithful servant.”

Christ was seen Monday rolling his eyes at new arrivals who filtered in after Hope Chapel’s bus crashed on its way to a Michael W. Smith concert in Temecula, Calif. “He just sort of looked exasperated when He sighed and waved them over, a la some dock worker helping a trucker back in his rig.” one angel said.

Martin Jones—who got saved at 21 and spent most of his life making millions of dollars while attending Hope’s truncated early service—was stunned. “I was a little embarrassed,” said Jones, 58. “He put His hands on His hips, shook His head, looked me square in the eyes and said: ‘Well, that was real half-assed.’”

New declaration from The Almighty makes gesturing to Him on field a sin

HEAVEN – In a press release issued earlier this month, God declared that professional athletes in any sport who point or gesture in any way in His direction while on the field of play will be subject to the normal penalties for committing a sin.

The policy seems to have been in the works for some time, as the release cites recent audits conducted by heavenly officials of post touchdown and homerun related adulation, which found relatively low levels of sincerity among professional baseball and football players in particular.

James Worthington, president of the Religious Studies Institute – a Chicago-based inter-faith think tank, is convinced that the timing of this new policy being released during the height of the NFL season is no coincidence.

“This is the time of year when you really see the celebrations ramping up, football players pointing with one or both hands and looking heavenward,” Worthington said. “We’ve seen the NFL crack down on celebrations significantly over the years, disallowing props and things like that. I see this as God’s way of saying that he’s not about to put up with being anybody’s prop either.”

The press release itself was relatively short – a mere 777 characters outlining the basics of the new policy, but a heavenly official speaking on the condition of anonymity told The Holy Observer that there were a couple of key factors in addition to the alleged lack of sincerity that prompted The Almighty to make the declaration.

“First of all, I think we can all agree that pointing is rude,” the official said. “Secondly, it’s more or less an open secret up here that God outsourced His sovereignty over sporting events at all levels to a startup firm in Mumbai about five years ago, so I really think he was starting to feel a little funny about taking credit for everything.”

It’s unclear at this point how the new policy will affect on field celebrations, as many well established sin-related policies seem to have had little to no bearing on the behavior of professional athletes historically. However, Worthington expects the new policy to at least have a temporary chilling effect.

“When you have God singling out your behavior directly like this, it tends to get your attention,” he said. “This isn’t like some dusty commandment telling you not to covet your neighbor’s Escalade. This is a fresh fax from cloud nine telling you to knock it off. I expect people to listen – at least until the playoffs.”

Typically, this is where the Ted Haggard references and “Weinergate” jokes would begin, but this is not your typical story of clerical indiscretion.  Ben Pritchett doesn’t go to Taboo because he’s “into that kind of thing.”  He goes to work.  He goes with permission from his wife and the blessings of his church’s elder board.

Pritchett’s presence at the strip club on this particular evening is part of a ministry focus that he terms “radical relevancy.”  Within the parameters of this initiative, student ministry professionals have license to experiment with all manner of vice in an effort to reach America’s jaded and over-stimulated “Youtube Generation” for the Lord.

After a young woman who calls herself Chastity finishes providing Pritchett with his 3^rd lap dance (aka “immersion experience”) of the evening, the 27 year-old father of four offers some insight as to why his unconventional approach is necessary.

“It used to be that all a youth pastor needed to connect with teens was a pair of cargo shorts and a soul patch.  Maybe some Ben Folds glasses.  Not anymore.  Not when parents are as cool as they are these days.  Moms and dads have Facebook accounts.  They’re hosting post-prom keg parties.  They’re listening to Cee Lo Green.  And if parents are that hip, how’s a Christian Education major like me supposed to stay edgy yet approachable?  I’ll tell you how – booby bars.”

Pritchett, a 4^th generation youth pastor, goes on to say that he first attempted to bridge the generation gap through more traditional means before resorting to his current “shock and awe” approach.

“Listen, broskie, I did it all,” says Pritchett, motioning to his “I Heart Liberty City” T-Shirt to add emphasis to his point.  “I was dropping S-bombs and ‘tard’ in casual conversation.  I was re-tweeting Texts From Last Night during church.  I was watching hours of Spike TV every night.  It wasn’t enough.  I mean, honestly, how many Lonely Island lyrics can one person memorize?”

Apparently not enough.  Citing the Apostle Paul’s exhortation to “become all things to all people” Pritchett began engaging in what he calls “testimony enhancement” exercises.  It started with Four Loko’s and Judd Apatow director’s cuts, progressed rapidly to experimentation with low grade narcotics, and eventually landed him at Taboo, where he can regularly be found dumping trash bags full of offering-plate subsidized singles onto the heads of cosmetically enhanced teen runaways.

Pritchett says it’s too early to tell if his time at Taboo is having an impact on the kids, but initial signs are positive.

“The guys in my Tuesday night small group have all responded really well to my ‘tales of T&A,’’ says Pritchett as he polishes off another Michelob Ultra.  “They’re engaged.  They ask questions.  They stay afterward to discuss it in greater detail.  It’s been really cool to see.”

He also brushes off any implications that his nonchalant engagement with skin bars might be having a negative effect on his students by making morally questionable behavior seem cool or somehow sanctifying.

“It’s like my first boss at the West Orange KFC told me: it doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home.  That’s something that I think is so important for the youth of today to understand.”

A Note From the Authors: All of these churches are real.  You can view their websites (most of which are pretty sweet) by clicking the church’s name.  The sole purpose of this article is to mock some churches who, for whatever reason, have chosen some ridiculous names for themselves.  We know almost nothing about the theology, community, or single women to men ratios of any of these churches, and it is not our intent to comment on their sincerity or effectiveness.  They’re probably really great.  We just think their names are stupid.  That is all.

OasisHD

Some call it a gimmick, some call it genius, this church’s philosophy of sermons based solely on lyrics from the musical corpus of the band Oasis is certainly unique. They’ve had to work hard to shake the association with the drunken, degenerate reputation of the Gallagher brothers and “repurpose” the band’s music for The Lord. (I dare you to not have 90s flashbacks when they replace “Wonderwall” with “All-in-All.”)  Apparently they were threatened with a lawsuit when they were just called “Oasis,” so they added HD to avoid a settlement and “because HD TV is so freaking sweet.”

Netcast Church

Podcast Church was taken by some chumps down in Cupertino, CA, so these guys went with the next best thing for reaching the Web 2.0 generation.

Prism Church

Scholars contend that the true meaning of Prism Church’s name has been lost centuries ago.  Some say it has to do with the church being founded by a group of unemployed 8^th grade physics teachers.  Others believe it was named more recently when founding elder Paul “Bear” Vasquez achieved international notoriety as The Double Rainbow Guy.  Considering that the church meets in a mess hall at San Quinton State Penitentiary, it is also possible that the name Prism Church is a failed effort to spell out “Prison Church.”

Epic Faith Church

This is not your grandma’s church.  Heck, if your dad hasn’t partied with Bono, and summated Mt. Everest blindfolded, this isn’t his church either!  A typical sermon at Epic Faith Church consists of a Braveheart battle-scene montage overlaid with a soaring Coldplay anthem and capped off with a James Dean quote written in barbed wire font.  If you got a problem with any of that, Epic Faith would be happy to go out behind the sanctuary/ tattoo parlor/MMA gym and break your nose with a John Eldridge hardback.

Radiant Church

Radiant Church is the only religious community in Alaska aimed solely at pregnant women and people who love lamps.

Aletheia

The founders of this church chose its name (from the Greek word for “organic cigarettes”) by polling the founding members to see what foreign-sounding word the majority had gotten tattooed on their feet during semesters abroad in The Holy Lands.  Other names considered were Koinonia, Diakanoi, and Galifianakis.

The Discovery Church

A church centered around the experience of puberty, Discovery Church delves into the metaphor of Christianity being much like most people’s most awkward stage in life.

Trademark Church

A church that was founded on the principle that litigation is the best form of evangelism, TM Church is currently suing every church that uses the word “church” in their name. Founded by former RIAA lawyers, their aim is to spread the gospel through “aggressive legal action” much like the RIAA plans to boost CD sales by suing music lovers.

The Table

Their communion table really is just that awesome.

ReaLife

Founded in 1996 in an AOL chatroom as an answer to “Pretend Church,” ReaLife Church was originally written rEaLifE cHuRcH. They’ve since matured and changed their name to the slightly less confusing ReaLife Church.  One can’t help but respect their efforts to reduce their “alphabet footprint” by omitting that wasteful and totally unnecessary second L.

Baptist Temple

Contrary to context clues, this is not a congregation made up entirely of messianic Jews and Matisyahu fans. Simply put, this is a church trying to stay competitive in a cutthroat Baptist church market. One congregant explained it best: “Temple sounds old, and that is way legit.”

The Fields Church

The website says it all: for swingers and singles only!  The Fields Church seeks to create a safe and sacred environment for Christians who describe their relationship status as “playing the field.”  Whether you’re a serial monogamist or an unrepentant man whore, The Fields Church provides myriad outlets to minister, mingle, and make out.  Forget about christiansingles.com.  Come play The Fields!

Ruth (Jenna Jameson) and Boaz (Michael Cera) have promised themselves and their Facebook groups to lose their virginity and have torrid sex on their wedding night. They’ve made it through the courtship, through the engagement, and through the Joshua Harris conference, but now they’ll have to make it through the wedding…and what a wedding it will be!  From a unity candle that won’t stay lit to an uncomfortable reading from Song of Solomon, events seem to be conspiring to keep Ruth and Bo from the blessed consummation they have heard so much about on the cover of Cosmopolitan.

True love has waited long enough!

When, at long last, the ceremony concludes and the reception begins, the mishaps and mayhem only get worse.  With no alcohol and no dance floor Ruth and Bo thought they were playing it safe and paving the way for a long night of necking and heavy petting.  They didn’t plan on Bo’s best man, Jeremy, having a few too many sparkling grape juices before his toast.  His graphic retelling of Bo’s church camp van encounters throws the assembled guests into fits of indignation.  Relationship Defining Talks and readings of Proverbs 31 ensue.  And that’s only the beginning!

What carnal advice is Ruth’s unsaved grandfather (Michael W. Smith) whispering in her ear?  What PG-13 plans do their friends have for their getaway car decorations? (You can bet there won’t be any prophylactics!)  Will the two ever make it to the Holiday Inn? Will they in fact “do it again and again” like that lady from the abstinence conference said they would?  You’ll have to watch to find out!

Whether you’ve had sex before or just think about it all the time, It’s About Time! has something for everyone.  Watch it with your youth pastor!  Watch it with your parents!  Watch it with your fornicating, non-Christian friends!

Watch it again and again and again.

This article was brought to us by the honorable and venerable James King, a master of thumb wrestling, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, and RISK: Lord of the Rings Edition. We’ve made him laugh many times, and now we thank him for returning the favor.

I’m not sure which scripture translation you are using this month, so I will greet you in the language of your four favorites – guten tag, konnichiwa, howdy doody, and shalom.  I am new to The Talking Mirror so you’ll have to forgive my unfamiliarity with “open email” etiquette.  Do I need to ACTUALLY email it to you, or is it safe to assume you have one of those “google alerts” set to search for your name along with the words “open email” a half dozen times a day?

If I was you, I’d probably set the search for “James Dobson” and “photoshopped to look like Satan” but that’s just me.  Actually, I hope you haven’t done that because then you’ll probably never read this – unless you see it on Victoria Osteen’s Twitter feed or something.  (Didn’t you and her have a thing once?  Did I hear that?  Maybe not.)  Maybe I should photoshop a picture of you to look like Satan just to be safe…

Oh gosh, you know what I just realized? All those questions I just asked about open emails are irrelevant (like the magazine! LOLZ!).  If you read them, I guess we already have our answer. Ha! Can you believe that? Isn’t it funny how life just works itself out sometimes?  Unless you’re Ted Haggard that is.  Things aren’t really working out for him.

Oh man, this email is getting long, and that’s the one thing my editors told me about writing an open email, they told me it’s like robbing a nursing home, “get in, get out, get some pudding.” Not really sure what they meant by that last part, but I’ve got some Snack Packs in the fridge and that’s where I’m heading now.

Thank you for your time Dr. Dobson. I appreciate you reading this open email no matter how you came across it. Hopefully in our next correspondence I will be able to address a few of the hot news items being discussed on FoxNews and elsewhere in the world, like the Christianity Today blog.

Peace, love, NIV,

Matt Browning

Managing Editor who also contributes

The Talking Mirror

P.S. We haven’t really talked about my title here, so that might change. Just didn’t want you to call our office and not be able to get a hold of me if my title changes.

P.P.S. I talked to Conor, he said we don’t even have an office, and that I’m the only Matt Browning writing for TTM, so don’t worry about the title changing.

P.P.P.S. Do you really think Obama’s a Muslim?

Episode 18: “God, Grills, and Girly-Men”

Finally, after three years, Elijah (aka E-Jay) gets a word from the Lord saying, “Go back and face your old nemesis Ahab and tell him that I’m about to rock his world and, if he’s lucky, I might even send some rain his way because – let’s be honest – all the trees are dead.”

So E-Jay walks his emaciated self back to Jerusa-Vegas and heads straight for Ahab’s house (picture Master P’s house from Season 3 of Cribs, but with bigger dungeons).  He rolls up to the door and says, “Wat up Ahab, you big dumbass?” (Yes, E-Jay has some stones.)

And Ahab’s all like, “Oh look, it’s the guy who ruined my life.”  And E-Jay’s like, “Psssh, whateva, you ruined your own life when you stopped praying and started letting your whore wife manage your career.”  And Ahab’s like, “Good point.”

So Elijah tells Ahab to text all the prophets of Asherah and all the prophets of Baal and everyone else who doesn’t think God is awesome and to tell them to meet him on top of this one mountain because he’s ready to make like Ron Artest and crack some skulls.

So everyone gets together up on Mount Carmel.  And my boy E-Jay get’s up there in front of God and everyone and says, “Hey everybody.  Thanks for coming out today.  I think your gods suck.”  (Like I said, the dude’s got some cojones.)

Now the thing to remember about the prophets of Baal and Asherah is that they’re pretty much the Twilight fans of 1500 BC.  And by that I mean: they’re a bunch of little bitches.  So no one says anything.  They just twitter amongst themselves about how Elijah is a hater and how he kind of looks like Osama Bin Laden.

Hearing no objections, E-Jay keeps tearing them a collective new one.  “Would you make up your minds already?!  It’s always Edward this, Jacob that; I swear, every minute I spend with you people I feel like I’m getting more retarded.”

E-Jay says it’s time to figure out once and for all which supernatural being is a baller and which one(s) is a Betty White,  so he suggests they build two grills and throw a slab of Angus on each.  One caveat: they can’t use charcoal or matches or Girl Scout Juice to light them; they’ve got to ask their favorite supernatural star to start the grills for them.

Is this your deity?

Team Baal and Team Asherah may be little bitches, but they also know enough about E-Jay to know that if they back down now, he’ll put them on blast on his next LP, with a song called “God, Grills, and Girly-Men” or something like that.  So they accept the challenge.

The Baalites and Asheraans go first.  They put on a bunch of costumes like they’re going to a midnight premier and dance around their grill shouting out to their gods.  It’s amateur hour at Mt. Carmel: half post-Prom field party, half MGMT video, all fodder for an embarrassing Facebook album.  This goes on for the better part of the morning.  As you’ve probably guessed, Baal and Asherah are about as real as the United States’ chances at The World Cup so, of course, nothing happens.

Around lunchtime, Elijah has had enough.  He starts dogging on the other prophets saying stuff like “maybe your gods are taking a leak, maybe they’re passed out on the pool table, or maybe they’re just real hungover and don’t feel like raining down fire at the moment.”  He also holds up a big sign that says “EPIC FAIL.”  Classic E-Jay

The other prophets are tired and irritable after their morning of dancing so they don’t take too kindly to E-Jay’s lip.  They say, “Screw you Elijah.  Let’s see you do better, you flip-phone-using old man.”  Like I said, they’re at least half retarded.

So Elijah goes over to his homemade Weber and says a quiet prayer his God who happens to also be the Sovereign Lord of the entire universe.  And before he can even finish his prayer, fire falls from the sky and consumes the steaks, the wood, and the entire grill. (I think this probably looked like that part in Independence Day when the laser blasts destroyed New York, Los Angeles, and Washington DC.)

Everyone is stunned and afraid and can do nothing but sit and watch as E-Jay dances around the mountaintop flexing his muscles and shouting “One shot!” like he’s freaking Ronnie from Jersey Shore. When he finishes rubbing it in everyone’s face, he rounds up all the prophets of Baal and Asherah, takes them down near the brook Kishon, and slaughters them.  Hahaha.  Classic E-Jay.

Sadly, murdering the losing team has since been made illegal.

“Sure, we make fun of Catholics. I mean, they do worship Mary and all, but no one can deny that their use of guilt as mind control revolutionized religion” said Dan Alterman, pastor of some church which members describe as “bible-based.” According to Alterman, guilt has long been used to control church-goers.

“It’s easy to throw a guilt trip at someone, and then ‘boom,’ you have your adult chaperon for your next mission trip to Guatemala.”

Catholics, Alterman says, have perfected the use of guilt, getting their followers worldwide to do crazy things like giving up chocolate during Lent or telling their deepest, darkest secrets to lonely, unmarried men.

“Statistics show that only 24% of the world’s usable guilt is being utilized as an energy source,” Alterman says, not citing any resources. “It’s time to bring guilt into the 21st century.”

(Note: This stat is a bit misleading as it leaves out the fact that TOMS Shoes is burning roughly 16% of the world’s guilt by selling shoes to help improve the lives of the people who made the Nike shoes that the TOMS customers feel guilty for buying in the first place.)

“We see it as a way of reaching out to the community, and the rest of the world, and saying, ‘Jesus loves the WHOLE WORLD, even the hippy, environmental part of it,’” Alterman explained.

Many members, including Alterman himself, are doing their best to raise awareness about the new fuel which will purportedly fuel everything from cars to toasters to the factories that produce the Prius that Alterman drives to church.

Alterman’s own son Josh had the idea – some might call it a divine revelation – while observing the exhaling breaths of people at concessions stands at the moment that they are asked if they want cheese with their soft pretzel. “There’s a lot of guilt tied up in getting a pretzel AND the processed cheese sauce” says the 17 year-old who works at the AMC over on Roy Road. This was the initial breakthrough that lead Alterman to begin harvesting “guilt sighs” during his famous sermon series Sad-Looking Minority Children and Starving Puppies.

But after harvesting all of that guilt, how will it be used as fuel? Alterman has the answer: “We’re doing our best to be ecumenical, so we’re working with General Motors’ Smart Energy People [Editor: "Engineers"] to develop a new engine powered entirely by guilt.” The questions of whether or not the technology to efficiently turn guilt into energy is possible or whether or not Alterman knows that he incorrectly used the word “ecumenical” have yet to be answered.

A GM prototype sketch featuring the theoretical "Guilt-Eating Rabbit Engine"

Stay with TTM for further developments.

TTM welcomes the humorous musings of Matt Browning of “Real World: Omaha” fame to our humble website. We have spent the last six months recruiting Matt, and almost lost him to the Bulls. Luckily, LeBron ganked his spot and he had to settle.

Our Paragon of Masculinity, pushing more hair out of his chest with raw anger

1. How often do you watch UFC?

A. Always.

B. Always and with beers.

C. All of the above.

D. What’s UFC? I’m gay.

2. How often do you play video games?

A. Only with one of my multitude of children. I’ve lost count of them.

B. All the time. I’m a loser.

C. Sometimes. I’m a half loser.

D. What’s UFC? I’m gay.

3. How often do you fist fight?

A. Sometimes, but now that I’ve found Jesus I’m trying to stop.

B. Never anymore, but I used to fight people all the time. That was my sordidly badass past, which I talk about often in order to witness to others.

C. Only when dudes fail this test. Just kidding… Or am I?

D. I punch like a girl and am gay.

4. What do you think of having a family?

A. I am married and am actively producing offspring.

B. I am unmarried, but look forward to being a father like Mark, and especially look forward to the process of making children which I will talk about frequently in Church because that shouldn’t make you uncomfortable.

C. I am too busy trying not to fist fight to have children, but I will one day because having lots of children is a divine mandate.

D. I do not want children. I play lots of video games and am gay.

5. What are women good for?

A. Bringing me non-light (i.e. non-wimpy) beer as I watch UFC.

B. Incubating children for our large family.

C. I’m not sure.

D. Women are an important part of the Church because they contribute to Church development through theological interpretation and Church leadership. I am a gay heretic.

SCORING (DON’T LOOK HERE UNTIL YOU’RE DONE. GOD IS WATCHING)

A = 5 points.

B = 4 points.

C = 3 points.

D = 0 points.

20-25 points = Welcome to Mars Hill! Head to the information table to find out how to join an Arm Wrestling Small Group!

15-19 = Not our first pick, but welcome to Mars Hill anyway. Brush up on your micro-brews and you should fit in fine.

9-14 = Hmmm. Well. I mean, I guess we’ve got some room. Why don’t you come by the Men’s Automobile Repair and Violence retreat, and we’ll see where it goes from there. Sound fair?

0-9 = You’re either a woman who took this test on accident or you’re gay. Either way, we have a retreat to cure you.