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Church Name Scrabble: Round 2

By: Kent & Conor

A Note From the Authors: All of these churches are real.  You can view their websites (most of which are pretty sweet) by clicking the church’s name.  The sole purpose of this article is to mock some churches who, for whatever reason, have chosen some ridiculous names for themselves.  We know almost nothing about the theology, community, or single women to men ratios of any of these churches, and it is not our intent to comment on their sincerity or effectiveness.  They’re probably really great.  We just think their names are stupid.  That is all.

OasisHD

Some call it a gimmick, some call it genius, this church’s philosophy of sermons based solely on lyrics from the musical corpus of the band Oasis is certainly unique. They’ve had to work hard to shake the association with the drunken, degenerate reputation of the Gallagher brothers and “repurpose” the band’s music for The Lord. (I dare you to not have 90s flashbacks when they replace “Wonderwall” with “All-in-All.”)  Apparently they were threatened with a lawsuit when they were just called “Oasis,” so they added HD to avoid a settlement and “because HD TV is so freaking sweet.”

Netcast Church

Podcast Church was taken by some chumps down in Cupertino, CA, so these guys went with the next best thing for reaching the Web 2.0 generation.

Prism Church

Scholars contend that the true meaning of Prism Church’s name has been lost centuries ago.  Some say it has to do with the church being founded by a group of unemployed 8th grade physics teachers.  Others believe it was named more recently when founding elder Paul “Bear” Vasquez achieved international notoriety as The Double Rainbow Guy.  Considering that the church meets in a mess hall at San Quinton State Penitentiary, it is also possible that the name Prism Church is a failed effort to spell out “Prison Church.”

Epic Faith Church

This is not your grandma’s church.  Heck, if your dad hasn’t partied with Bono, and summated Mt. Everest blindfolded, this isn’t his church either!  A typical sermon at Epic Faith Church consists of a Braveheart battle-scene montage overlaid with a soaring Coldplay anthem and capped off with a James Dean quote written in barbed wire font.  If you got a problem with any of that, Epic Faith would be happy to go out behind the sanctuary/ tattoo parlor/MMA gym and break your nose with a John Eldridge hardback.

Radiant Church

Radiant Church is the only religious community in Alaska aimed solely at pregnant women and people who love lamps.

Aletheia

The founders of this church chose its name (from the Greek word for “organic cigarettes”) by polling the founding members to see what foreign-sounding word the majority had gotten tattooed on their feet during semesters abroad in The Holy Lands.  Other names considered were Koinonia, Diakanoi, and Galifianakis.

The Discovery Church

A church centered around the experience of puberty, Discovery Church delves into the metaphor of Christianity being much like most people’s most awkward stage in life.

Trademark Church

A church that was founded on the principle that litigation is the best form of evangelism, TM Church is currently suing every church that uses the word “church” in their name. Founded by former RIAA lawyers, their aim is to spread the gospel through “aggressive legal action” much like the RIAA plans to boost CD sales by suing music lovers.

The Table

Their communion table really is just that awesome.

ReaLife

Founded in 1996 in an AOL chatroom as an answer to “Pretend Church,” ReaLife Church was originally written rEaLifE cHuRcH. They’ve since matured and changed their name to the slightly less confusing ReaLife Church.  One can’t help but respect their efforts to reduce their “alphabet footprint” by omitting that wasteful and totally unnecessary second L.

Baptist Temple

Contrary to context clues, this is not a congregation made up entirely of messianic Jews and Matisyahu fans. Simply put, this is a church trying to stay competitive in a cutthroat Baptist church market. One congregant explained it best: “Temple sounds old, and that is way legit.”

The Fields Church

The website says it all: for swingers and singles only!  The Fields Church seeks to create a safe and sacred environment for Christians who describe their relationship status as “playing the field.”  Whether you’re a serial monogamist or an unrepentant man whore, The Fields Church provides myriad outlets to minister, mingle, and make out.  Forget about christiansingles.com.  Come play The Fields!

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