Claims of Jesus Interpreted Out of Context

jesus

“The gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction and those who enter by it are many.”

Gut instinct tells me he’s talking about the front gate at Disneyworld on Labor Day Weekend but odds are better he means eastbound Interstate 10 entering New Orleans.

“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”

When creating a profile of the future rulers of the planet, qualities like submissiveness, patience, and timidity don’t typically top the list.  But perhaps they should.  In a world increasingly taken with gun ownership, WMDs, and Michael Bay movies, it makes sense that the future would belong to the draft dodger and conscientious objector.  Think of the meek people in your life.  My guess is they aren’t the ones getting mixed up in gang violence or addicted to smack (same thing, I know).  They’re the ones hiding in their panic room with an Amazon Kindle and a mountain of batteries.  Sounds to me like meekness is the name of the game.  Especially when the “game” is nuclear holocaust.

“If you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘move from here to there,’ and it will move.”

With all deference to Wegener’s The Origin of Continents and Oceans, this appears to be the first recorded lecture on the theory of plate tectonics.  Jesus has apparently gained awareness of Jerusalem’s location at the collisional boundary of the Eurasian and Arabian Plates and is attempting to explain geosynclinal theory to a crowd of illiterate herdsmen.  No small task, I can assure you.  In this instance, he is likely making reference to the year 80-207-684 A.D. when continental drift will cause the low-lying mountains of the Eastern Mediterranean to collide with modern-day Pittsburgh.

“Destroy this temple, and I will raise it again in three days.”

Doable.  Assuming all specs and submittals are in order and all necessary city, state, and local permits are processed and assuming we’re building on the existing slab and all necessary underground work is in place and in good condition, we could do it.  Get me some high-wattage light towers, an 80-ton tower crane, two boomlifts, and forty laborers with minimum ten years Tilt-up experience.  We’ll use pre-fabbed components and work around the clock.  The union will be all over my ass and OSHA’s gonna throw their usual “standard workday” bull spit at me, but we’ll git er done.  It won’t be easy, and it probably won’t look as nice as this one you got here, but I can guaran-damn-tee you’ll have the keys by sunup Monday.  Lord willing.

“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God.”

You ever tried to smoke a cigarette on the observation deck at the Space Needle?  Impossible.  Take my word for it.  No way, no how.  You take one puff and before you can say “civil liberties” some granola-humper has ripped it out of your mouth and stubbed it out on her hardback copy of Catch-22.  So yeah, I guess rich people aren’t going to heaven because there’s no way in hell you’re getting a Camel up the Space Needle.

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About the author

Hailing from the great state of Oklahoma, Kent Woodyard was raised in a tepee by an uneducated family of country singers and Native Americans. He taught himself to read by studying a book of knock-knock jokes he found at a cattle auction (thus, his highly refined sense of bourgeois humor). For the last seven years he has been toiling faithfully as "the coolest kid you haven't met yet." He retired from that position the minute you read this. Kent counts Jared Fogle (the guy from the Subway commercials), Keith Olbermann, all the members of Nickelback, and Scar from The Lion King as personal enemies. When Kent grows up, he plans to have enough money to have all these people imprisoned for no reason whatsoever. As of this writing, Kent is acutely interested in the following: weekends, push pops, Disney sing-alongs, Lost discussion boards, widgets, Whoppers (the hamburgers, not the disgusting malt balls), Mongolian throat singers, and the early work of Billy Crystal.

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