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Courtside Scenes With Orlando Magic Coach, Stan Van Gundy

I like that title, by the way. George Bush, you know, is the decider. I can be the decider in Orlando.”

-Stan Van Gundy

I thought it was funny they can’t wear any of the jewelry and stuff like that. That’s stricter than the dress code in a lot of office buildings.”

-Stan Van Gundy (on the NBA’s player dress code)

“I know for a fact that he’s a master of panic, and when it gets time for his team to go in the postseason and do certain things, he will let them down because of his panic.”

-Shaquille O’Neal (on former coach Stan Van Gundy)

Starting Lineup – Tipoff

Van Gundy: This is our bounce-back game, boys!  We have to match their intensity on both sides of the ball.  Stick to the gameplan, rotate helpside on ball screens, and watch for screen-rolls to the basket.  And, hey, don’t forget to have fun out there.

TV Timeout, 6:07 remaining, 1st quarter, Boston 18, Orlando 7

Rashard Lewis:  We’re getting beat on weakside every time they swing it.

Dwight Howard:  Yeah, we can’t rotate fast enough.

Van Gundy:  Sounds like somebody’s forgetting to have some fun out there!

Free throws, 10:50 remaining, 2nd quarter, Boston 36, Orlando 20

Assistant Coach: Dwight’s in serious foul trouble, Stan.  He’s coming late on every ball screen.

Van Gundy: Did you think I sounded good on that interview with Aldrich?

Assistant Coach:  The analyst?

Van Gundy:  Yeah, y’know, it’s like a pop quiz between every quarter, like high school.

Assistant Coach: Coach, we need to revise this gameplan; it’s neutralizing our best defensive schemes.

Van Gundy: I lost my virginity when I was a sophomore.

Timeout on the floor, :30 remaining, 2nd quarter, Boston 46, Orlando 37

Van Gundy: [heavy breathing]

Halftime, Boston 46, Orlando 40

Van Gundy: When you come off those high screens, show strong on the perimeter, change their angles to the basket, really disrupt that rhythm. No gimme-paths to the basket … keep them on their toes … no pain, no …

[VENDOR enters locker room, VAN GUNDY loses thought]

Vendor: I’m sorry, but the ushers insisted it was you.

VAN GUNDY:  Nachooooos!

20-second Timeout, 9:26 Remaining in 3rd quarter, Boston 59, Orlando 54

VAN GUNDY: Okay, J.J. If you had no frame of reference, how would you spell jalapeño?

J.J. REDDICK: I can’t answer that; I have a frame of reference.

VAN GUNDY: Geez, I’m just trying to have some fun, Dookie boy. Lighten the f*** up.

Dead ball, 6:35 remaining in 3rd quarter, Boston 64, Orlando 54

ASST. COACH: Stan, I can’t leave the bench.

VAN GUNDY:  Ugh. Why do you have to make it so difficult for me?

ASST. COACH: I could probably get one of the trainers to …

VAN GUNDY: Well, get them to, okay! Have you ever had nachos without a Diet Coke?

TRAINER:  F*** my sports management degree.

TV Timeout, 1:05 remaining in 3rd quarter, Boston 68, Orlando 62

RAFER ALSTON: If we’re switching at the free throw and Dwight’s coming helpside, do we-

VAN GUNDY: [slurping]

RAFER ALSTON: On the weakside, should we-

VAN GUNDY: [slurping]

RAFER ALSTON: Do I-

VAN GUNDY: You know what would make this even better? [Pause, intimating that this is not a rhetorical question] Using a Cherry Twizzler as a straw!

TRAINER:  Dammit.

Start of 4th quarter, Boston 70, Orlando 67

VAN GUNDY: [wheezing]

DAVID ALDRIDGE (analyst): You’ve come strong on the perimeter, exposing yourselves to the high-screenroll. Do you have an answer to the speed and depth of options on the other side of the ball?

VAN GUNDY: They’re a great ball club, huh?

DAVID ALDRIDGE: [Silence]

VAN GUNDY: I mean, really, they can really play basketball out there. It’s a lot of fun to watch.

DAVID ALDRIDGE: Are … How are you going to adjust this quarter?

VAN GUNDY:  I’m serious; I have some great seats. This is quite a show.

Transition Defense, 7:20 Remaining in 4th Quarter, Boston 82, Orlando 71

VAN GUNDY: [Shouting] GET BACK! WHO’S GOT PIERCE? GET BACK! [flexes left hand and rotates shoulder]

TV Timeout, 5:00 Remaining, Boston 86, Orlando 79

VAN GUNDY: Can you guys handle this one?

ASST COACH: You okay?

VAN GUNDY: I’m al… I’m just tired. I just … I’ll just sit down. It’s really hot in here.

ASST COACH: Get him some water.

VAN GUNDY: Some. [whispering to himself, slumping in folding chair] Git some!

The Following Morning

CARDIOLOGIST:  Hi, Stan. You’re at the Cambridge Medical Center; you’ve had a very serious cardiac event.

VAN GUNDY: Fart noises.

CARDIOLOGIST: You’re a grown man.


Graciously submitted by our friend and spiritual advisor Joel BobbettMr Bobbett blogs at joeley.wordpress.com.  He enjoys bio-fuels, supply side economic theory, and the musical stylings of Gavin DeGraw.

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