The social universe has an unspoken balance in place that ensures that life makes sense. We hang out with people as cool as we are, we date within our acceptable range, and people that are born into wealth and status run our countries. When some son of a bitch tries to upset that balance, bad things happen. Remember the French Revolution? That happened because one of Quasimodo’s descendants landed a smoking-hot art model. The Civil War? Some mustachioed sea donkey from the North decided she wanted to date a studly land owner from Alabama.  Name any natural disaster and it can be traced back to some fugly idiot not following the rules of romance. If you mess with the balance, the universe compensates with blood.

Despite this delicate equilibrium, matchmaking is never perfect. Occasionally it is so uneven that it elicits a deep sense of injustice from our communal soul, sort of like any time Keanu Reeves gets another acting gig. You know something isn’t right. You can feel it. Someone is getting something they don’t deserve.

So, you walking dumpster, how do you make things right once you have a hottie in your white-knuckled, kill-me-to-take-it grip? How do you cope with dating someone that is hotter than you? Grab your Moleskine and take a seat, my child. We have much to discuss.

One rule: Over Compensate
She’s a 10 and you’re a 3. That’s a pretty sizable gap, almost as significant as the one between your two front teeth. You’re going to need to string a rope-bridge across that dark chasm. When people see you with your deafeningly hot significant other, the comments will go something like this:

“Damn, (he/she) is so (hot/attractive/sexcellent). Why is (he/she) with that Seth Rogen look alike? Well, I guess (he/she) is at least (fill in the blank).”

That blank can be filled with a few different things that will help even the score between you and your walking fantasy.

That is one unattractive dude.

1. Get in ridiculous shape.
You can’t help having a Haitian Earthquake for a face, but you can blast your pecks into beautiful oblivion. Work out constantly, get really into triathlons, get ab implants – whatever you want. You need to work your way into the “butterface” zone so people may be able to shrug off the 7 point difference between you and the Greek sculpture you’re dating.

2. Get rich and/or famous.
Ideally this would happen before you start dating a walking masterpiece, but if you somehow win the lottery before buying the ticket you still have options. Are you talented? You’d better hope you are. It doesn’t matter if you’re the world’s greatest tap dancer or if you start the next Google, you just need to be on top of something. It can even be something nerdy like math or writing internet humor, people won’t care as long as they have a good reason not to kill you for upsetting cupid’s system. Hell, you may even be able to get away with being a second or third string celebrity/musician/mogul, you’ll just have to deal with more public anger and ridicule than you would have if you were Seal.

Apparently he's a great musician.

3. Get a horrible disease.
If all else fails, there’s always the “Make-A-Wish Foundation” route. This is the Hail-Mary of dating-up excuses, but it is also one of the hardest with which to argue. Example:
“Damn, that girl is fine. What’s she doing with that retarded hippopotamus?”
“Bro, you’re an asshole. That guy has EbolasyphillAIDS. He’s already died like three times.”
You’re clearly not otherwise qualified to bask in the magical fairy-glow of hotness that shines forth from your spouse, but somehow you’ve earned it by suffering so hard that even Job says “yikes, that sucks.”

Follow these rules and you might be able to avoid getting hit by a meteor for dating someone that even blind people can tell is better looking than you.

Enjoy pointing out who got the sweeter deal in a relationship? Roll on over to SheWonHeWon.com and vote on hotness to your heart’s content!

I’m not sure which scripture translation you are using this month, so I will greet you in the language of your four favorites – guten tag, konnichiwa, howdy doody, and shalom.  I am new to The Talking Mirror so you’ll have to forgive my unfamiliarity with “open email” etiquette.  Do I need to ACTUALLY email it to you, or is it safe to assume you have one of those “google alerts” set to search for your name along with the words “open email” a half dozen times a day?

If I was you, I’d probably set the search for “James Dobson” and “photoshopped to look like Satan” but that’s just me.  Actually, I hope you haven’t done that because then you’ll probably never read this – unless you see it on Victoria Osteen’s Twitter feed or something.  (Didn’t you and her have a thing once?  Did I hear that?  Maybe not.)  Maybe I should photoshop a picture of you to look like Satan just to be safe…

Oh gosh, you know what I just realized? All those questions I just asked about open emails are irrelevant (like the magazine! LOLZ!).  If you read them, I guess we already have our answer. Ha! Can you believe that? Isn’t it funny how life just works itself out sometimes?  Unless you’re Ted Haggard that is.  Things aren’t really working out for him.

Oh man, this email is getting long, and that’s the one thing my editors told me about writing an open email, they told me it’s like robbing a nursing home, “get in, get out, get some pudding.” Not really sure what they meant by that last part, but I’ve got some Snack Packs in the fridge and that’s where I’m heading now.

Thank you for your time Dr. Dobson. I appreciate you reading this open email no matter how you came across it. Hopefully in our next correspondence I will be able to address a few of the hot news items being discussed on FoxNews and elsewhere in the world, like the Christianity Today blog.

Peace, love, NIV,

Matt Browning

Managing Editor who also contributes

The Talking Mirror

P.S. We haven’t really talked about my title here, so that might change. Just didn’t want you to call our office and not be able to get a hold of me if my title changes.

P.P.S. I talked to Conor, he said we don’t even have an office, and that I’m the only Matt Browning writing for TTM, so don’t worry about the title changing.

P.P.P.S. Do you really think Obama’s a Muslim?

Episode 18: “God, Grills, and Girly-Men”

Finally, after three years, Elijah (aka E-Jay) gets a word from the Lord saying, “Go back and face your old nemesis Ahab and tell him that I’m about to rock his world and, if he’s lucky, I might even send some rain his way because – let’s be honest – all the trees are dead.”

So E-Jay walks his emaciated self back to Jerusa-Vegas and heads straight for Ahab’s house (picture Master P’s house from Season 3 of Cribs, but with bigger dungeons).  He rolls up to the door and says, “Wat up Ahab, you big dumbass?” (Yes, E-Jay has some stones.)

And Ahab’s all like, “Oh look, it’s the guy who ruined my life.”  And E-Jay’s like, “Psssh, whateva, you ruined your own life when you stopped praying and started letting your whore wife manage your career.”  And Ahab’s like, “Good point.”

So Elijah tells Ahab to text all the prophets of Asherah and all the prophets of Baal and everyone else who doesn’t think God is awesome and to tell them to meet him on top of this one mountain because he’s ready to make like Ron Artest and crack some skulls.

So everyone gets together up on Mount Carmel.  And my boy E-Jay get’s up there in front of God and everyone and says, “Hey everybody.  Thanks for coming out today.  I think your gods suck.”  (Like I said, the dude’s got some cojones.)

Now the thing to remember about the prophets of Baal and Asherah is that they’re pretty much the Twilight fans of 1500 BC.  And by that I mean: they’re a bunch of little bitches.  So no one says anything.  They just twitter amongst themselves about how Elijah is a hater and how he kind of looks like Osama Bin Laden.

Hearing no objections, E-Jay keeps tearing them a collective new one.  “Would you make up your minds already?!  It’s always Edward this, Jacob that; I swear, every minute I spend with you people I feel like I’m getting more retarded.”

E-Jay says it’s time to figure out once and for all which supernatural being is a baller and which one(s) is a Betty White,  so he suggests they build two grills and throw a slab of Angus on each.  One caveat: they can’t use charcoal or matches or Girl Scout Juice to light them; they’ve got to ask their favorite supernatural star to start the grills for them.

Is this your deity?

Team Baal and Team Asherah may be little bitches, but they also know enough about E-Jay to know that if they back down now, he’ll put them on blast on his next LP, with a song called “God, Grills, and Girly-Men” or something like that.  So they accept the challenge.

The Baalites and Asheraans go first.  They put on a bunch of costumes like they’re going to a midnight premier and dance around their grill shouting out to their gods.  It’s amateur hour at Mt. Carmel: half post-Prom field party, half MGMT video, all fodder for an embarrassing Facebook album.  This goes on for the better part of the morning.  As you’ve probably guessed, Baal and Asherah are about as real as the United States’ chances at The World Cup so, of course, nothing happens.

Around lunchtime, Elijah has had enough.  He starts dogging on the other prophets saying stuff like “maybe your gods are taking a leak, maybe they’re passed out on the pool table, or maybe they’re just real hungover and don’t feel like raining down fire at the moment.”  He also holds up a big sign that says “EPIC FAIL.”  Classic E-Jay

The other prophets are tired and irritable after their morning of dancing so they don’t take too kindly to E-Jay’s lip.  They say, “Screw you Elijah.  Let’s see you do better, you flip-phone-using old man.”  Like I said, they’re at least half retarded.

So Elijah goes over to his homemade Weber and says a quiet prayer his God who happens to also be the Sovereign Lord of the entire universe.  And before he can even finish his prayer, fire falls from the sky and consumes the steaks, the wood, and the entire grill. (I think this probably looked like that part in Independence Day when the laser blasts destroyed New York, Los Angeles, and Washington DC.)

Everyone is stunned and afraid and can do nothing but sit and watch as E-Jay dances around the mountaintop flexing his muscles and shouting “One shot!” like he’s freaking Ronnie from Jersey Shore. When he finishes rubbing it in everyone’s face, he rounds up all the prophets of Baal and Asherah, takes them down near the brook Kishon, and slaughters them.  Hahaha.  Classic E-Jay.

Sadly, murdering the losing team has since been made illegal.

“Sure, we make fun of Catholics. I mean, they do worship Mary and all, but no one can deny that their use of guilt as mind control revolutionized religion” said Dan Alterman, pastor of some church which members describe as “bible-based.” According to Alterman, guilt has long been used to control church-goers.

“It’s easy to throw a guilt trip at someone, and then ‘boom,’ you have your adult chaperon for your next mission trip to Guatemala.”

Catholics, Alterman says, have perfected the use of guilt, getting their followers worldwide to do crazy things like giving up chocolate during Lent or telling their deepest, darkest secrets to lonely, unmarried men.

“Statistics show that only 24% of the world’s usable guilt is being utilized as an energy source,” Alterman says, not citing any resources. “It’s time to bring guilt into the 21st century.”

(Note: This stat is a bit misleading as it leaves out the fact that TOMS Shoes is burning roughly 16% of the world’s guilt by selling shoes to help improve the lives of the people who made the Nike shoes that the TOMS customers feel guilty for buying in the first place.)

“We see it as a way of reaching out to the community, and the rest of the world, and saying, ‘Jesus loves the WHOLE WORLD, even the hippy, environmental part of it,’” Alterman explained.

Many members, including Alterman himself, are doing their best to raise awareness about the new fuel which will purportedly fuel everything from cars to toasters to the factories that produce the Prius that Alterman drives to church.

Alterman’s own son Josh had the idea – some might call it a divine revelation – while observing the exhaling breaths of people at concessions stands at the moment that they are asked if they want cheese with their soft pretzel. “There’s a lot of guilt tied up in getting a pretzel AND the processed cheese sauce” says the 17 year-old who works at the AMC over on Roy Road. This was the initial breakthrough that lead Alterman to begin harvesting “guilt sighs” during his famous sermon series Sad-Looking Minority Children and Starving Puppies.

But after harvesting all of that guilt, how will it be used as fuel? Alterman has the answer: “We’re doing our best to be ecumenical, so we’re working with General Motors’ Smart Energy People [Editor: "Engineers"] to develop a new engine powered entirely by guilt.” The questions of whether or not the technology to efficiently turn guilt into energy is possible or whether or not Alterman knows that he incorrectly used the word “ecumenical” have yet to be answered.

A GM prototype sketch featuring the theoretical "Guilt-Eating Rabbit Engine"

Stay with TTM for further developments.

TTM welcomes the humorous musings of Matt Browning of “Real World: Omaha” fame to our humble website. We have spent the last six months recruiting Matt, and almost lost him to the Bulls. Luckily, LeBron ganked his spot and he had to settle.

Our Paragon of Masculinity, pushing more hair out of his chest with raw anger

1. How often do you watch UFC?

A. Always.

B. Always and with beers.

C. All of the above.

D. What’s UFC? I’m gay.

2. How often do you play video games?

A. Only with one of my multitude of children. I’ve lost count of them.

B. All the time. I’m a loser.

C. Sometimes. I’m a half loser.

D. What’s UFC? I’m gay.

3. How often do you fist fight?

A. Sometimes, but now that I’ve found Jesus I’m trying to stop.

B. Never anymore, but I used to fight people all the time. That was my sordidly badass past, which I talk about often in order to witness to others.

C. Only when dudes fail this test. Just kidding… Or am I?

D. I punch like a girl and am gay.

4. What do you think of having a family?

A. I am married and am actively producing offspring.

B. I am unmarried, but look forward to being a father like Mark, and especially look forward to the process of making children which I will talk about frequently in Church because that shouldn’t make you uncomfortable.

C. I am too busy trying not to fist fight to have children, but I will one day because having lots of children is a divine mandate.

D. I do not want children. I play lots of video games and am gay.

5. What are women good for?

A. Bringing me non-light (i.e. non-wimpy) beer as I watch UFC.

B. Incubating children for our large family.

C. I’m not sure.

D. Women are an important part of the Church because they contribute to Church development through theological interpretation and Church leadership. I am a gay heretic.

SCORING (DON’T LOOK HERE UNTIL YOU’RE DONE. GOD IS WATCHING)

A = 5 points.

B = 4 points.

C = 3 points.

D = 0 points.

20-25 points = Welcome to Mars Hill! Head to the information table to find out how to join an Arm Wrestling Small Group!

15-19 = Not our first pick, but welcome to Mars Hill anyway. Brush up on your micro-brews and you should fit in fine.

9-14 = Hmmm. Well. I mean, I guess we’ve got some room. Why don’t you come by the Men’s Automobile Repair and Violence retreat, and we’ll see where it goes from there. Sound fair?

0-9 = You’re either a woman who took this test on accident or you’re gay. Either way, we have a retreat to cure you.

A Note From the Authors: All of these churches are real.  You can view their websites (most of which are pretty sweet) by clicking the church’s name.  The sole purpose of this article is to mock some recently planted churches who, for whatever reason, have chosen some pretty ridiculous names for themselves.  We know almost nothing about the theology, community, or single women to men ratios of any of these churches, and it is not our intent to comment on their sincerity or effectiveness.  They’re probably really great.  We just think their names are stupid.  That is all.

Elevation Church

This church is all about getting high – on Jesus! Their services don’t officially feature any narcotics usage, but do encourage their congregants to take part in mountain climbing and visiting the top floor of skyscrapers in order to “elevate your walk closer to God.” Elevation Church also features a marriage ministry called “Love in an Elevator,” which teaches married couples how to master the art of Christian Exhibitionism.

Infusion Church

Founded by former Red Cross employees, Infusion Church has taken the issue of transubstantiation very, very seriously. Communion wine is taken intravenously, and Holy Water (blessed by Mark Driscoll personally) is provided to each willing congregant via an I.V. drip during Sunday Morning services.

Paradox Community Church

This church doesn’t make any sense. Blam! Hahaha! Get it?! Really though, members of this church pride themselves on taking on hobbies and titles that seem contradictory to outsiders, such as: their political ministry Christians for Obama, their beer brewing ministry Unashamed Alcoholic Baptists, and their anger management support group Living Like John Piper.

Mystery Church

No one knows anything about this church.

Austin City Life

This church, located in Austin, TX, has grown its congregation by ensnaring visitors to Austin (read: drug addicts) who think they are attending the Austin City Limits music festival.  The people who make those evangelistic tracts that look like $20 bills could probably tell them this is a bad idea.

The Journey

Founded by Steve Perry’s distant cousin, The Journey focuses almost exclusively on discovering God through the musical corpus of the legendary rock band Journey.

The Line

Confusingly, this church incorporates neither Johnny Cash’s famous hit nor cocaine abuse. Rather, it was founded on that explanation of God’s view of time that every youth pastor uses on his students. That’s right, the one where he draws a line on a piece of paper and says “this line is your life, from start to finish.” And then he looks at you real serious-like, and he says, “where is God?” And you get a little confused because you think it might be a trick question or some kind of Where’s Waldo? thing, so you shrug. Then he drops the bomb on you like freakin’ Nagasaki: “God is the paper man. He’s the paper.” Churches are built on wisdom like that, as The Line proves to us.

Dust

Not a great choice for OCD sufferers or people with allergies, but fans of the movie Gladiator will no doubt find comfort in the quote emblazoned above the alter: “Shadows and dust. – Proximo”.

Vintage Church

This church meets weekly (if they feel like it) in Carol’s Thrift Shop in Shreveport, Louisiana.  Their website lists Camaros made before 1973, collectible lunchboxes, and “doing life together” as a few of the church’s core values.  Attire is casual, but anyone not wearing a Rolling Stone concert tee may feel under dressed.

The Rooted Church

A church for members of the Green Party, The Rooted Church meets in a series of tree houses built out of recycled and reclaimed building materials. Church members have collectively converted their vehicles to run on a special mixture of patchouli oil and human excrement. Men and women alike also take the sacrament of human body hair very seriously.

Coram Deo Church

Founded by a frustrated Scrabble player, Coram Deo Church is founded on the idea that people should know obscure spiritual terms from dead languages.

Seed Church

Like many churches, Seed Church was founded as a memorial. Unlike those other churches, however, this church memorializes victims of an unsung epidemic – the billions of potential lives that have been murdered at the hands of the church’s chronic masturbators.

Matthias’ Lot

Matthias’ Lot has at its core a maxim held dear by mothers the world over: nothing good ever happened in-doors.  Eschewing real estate and roofs, these parishioners hold their Sunday services on an abandoned parcel of land in north Los Angeles.  The church derives its name from the land’s owner, Nicaraguan shoe shine Matthias Lopez, who became a millionaire in 1993 when he leased the same field to Paramount Studios for the filming of the movie “The Sandlot.”

Trademark

This body of believers is not to be discussed, parodied, or otherwise reproduced without the express, written consent of God.

Liberti Church

In 2006 the founders of Liberti Church purchased an initial run of 10,000 promotional bumper stickers, book marks, and travel mugs without employing spell check.  Not wanting to let perfectly good travel mugs go to waste (i.e. get donated to The Salvation Army) they decided to just go with it.

Do you know what my job is, Jay? It’s not complicated, but it’s noble. I’ll tell you what my job is, Jay. Take a seat. My job is to deliver the correct words of the worship songs to the congregation, usually  spread across a beautiful backdrop. Something like a flowering field, or a Montana sunset. Sometimes in the winter I throw a beach up on the screen just to fight the Seasonal Affective Disorder. I get those words up there, and I do it at the right time, every time. That’s my job.

I take you from the sanctuary, to the rainbow by the lake on the farm.

Why are you trying to do my job, Jay? Have I tried to do your job? Do you see me going up on the stage with my Takamine? Yeah, I’ve got one, what single Christian guy doesn’t? Do you see me going down there, strumming some chords and singing some songs with my eyes involuntarily closed in a worshippy passion? No, you don’t see that. You know why? Because that’s not my job. I was called to operate a useful Microsoft program. Just let me do my job.

It’s time you give me the respect I deserve. How would you survive Sunday mornings without me? A hymnal? Please, we’re not Catholics. You do a lot of things well. Every time you flex that falsetto, it brings the tears. If Coldplay has taught us anything, it’s that tears = tithes. That’s good work, Jay. And I know that sometimes Jesus speaks into your ear monitor and tells you that you need to mix up the arrangement of the song, so you need to let the keyboardist, the harpist, the tuba, and the djembe know where to go musically. On those times where the Spirit is telling you that we need to go over the mountains and the sea just one more time, we all appreciate your leadership.

But most of the time, that’s not it, chief. Most of the time you’re up there, acting like you’re Bon Jovi and you’re going to let the crowd do the next verse of Livin’ on a Prayer. Nobody has their lighters out here, Jay. It’s 9:30am on a Sunday morning. Your job is to be the voice we sing along with, that’s it. You initiate the singing, I show people the lyrics. You do your job, I’ll do mine, and there won’t be any trouble. Keep up the teleprompter act, though, and we’re gonna have a problem. You know who sits right next to me? The sound guy, Jay. You and I both know the kinds of things he can do to make your world filled with hurt. We don’t need to go there, do we? I’d hate for you to get a lot of feedback in your ear monitor. It’d be a shame, Jay. A real shame.

Worship Leader:

Whoa, whoa, whoa!  Wuh-uh-uh-oh!  Where did that come from?  Seriously bro, it’s like I don’t even know you anymore.  You sure this isn’t about something else?  Like maybe how I started dating Sara last week?  Bro, we’ve talked about that.  You guys only dated for like a month.  Plus, you and I weren’t even really friends back then so it doesn’t count.

For now, let’s pretend that you’re actually serious about this whole “speak n’ sing” thing and I’ll try to explain why I do what I do even though you probably won’t get it because you’ve never lead worship anywhere much less been lead worshipper for a trans-denominational meta-church.  No offense, bro.

Question: What good is a slide with words on it if you can’t read?  Answer: Not very good at all.

Are there illiterate people at our church?  Probably not.  Most of the farmers and truck drivers go to Lakeside Baptist across town.  But maybe there are.  And even if there’s only one, I think that justifies my decision to say “the splendor of the King” before I put it to music.  It’s my job to bring people closer to Jesus and that includes all people, not just the ones who paid attention in first grade.

Secondly, where’s this obsession with the slides coming from?  It seems to me – and I could be off-base here, but I’m just calling it like I see it cause you’re my boy and what are boys for if not to be upfront with each other but definitely let me know if there’s something else going on or if I’m missing something here – but it seems like you’re turning the overhead screen into an idol.  We want people looking at the stage which then makes them think about heaven.  Who cares about what’s going on the screen?  No offense, bro.

You know who else had a big screen he wanted everyone to pay attention to?  King Nebuchadnezzar.  That didn’t work out too well for Chad-rack, Three-pack, and Antonio, and I’m not about to let you get this church thrown in a fiery furnace.

I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate what you do for us, but I just feel like – and again, I could be wrong here but you got me all worked up and I need to speak my mind for a minute or else I won’t be able to sleep tonight – I feel like Christians did fine without Powerpoint for, like, 4,000 years and whenever the world ends and we’re back to living in caves and playing guitar by flashlight, we’ll do fine without Powerpoint again.  Is that what I want?  No.  But we could do it.  That’s all I’m saying.

Seriously though, are you sure this isn’t about Sara?

Dear Evangelical Community,

Hello.  My name is Christopher Benson.  You can call me Topher.  Unless you workout at Cardinal Fitness in West Pittsburgh or have a child in K – 5^th grade PE at Samuel Adams Elementary, chances are good that we have never met.  Despite the fact that we are strangers, I feel I owe you an apology.  Without even meaning to I have recently impacted your lives, your hearts, and your iPods in a tragic and permanent way.  I have come to humbly beg for forgiveness.

You’re probably wondering, “man, what terrible thing did this guy do?  Did he vote Democrat?  Did he visit San Francisco?”  Sadly, it was much worse than that.  You see, back in the early 2000′s, I was dating this singer/songwriter chick named Jennifer Knapp, and…well…I’ll just say it: I’m pretty sure I turned her gay.

Not that it’s any consolation, but I promise it was an accident.  When I met Jenn she seemed like all the other nice, decently cute (call her a 7.5), heterosexual girls I’ve dated in the past.  We dated for about two years, and, not only did we have an awesome couple name (Jenntopher), I thought we had a really great time together.

We were both into the same things like sports, music, professional wrestling, and my body.  Plus, she always seemed to get a kick out of my jokes about her last name.  Like when I wiped barbeque sauce all over her shirt and called her a “Knappkin.” Or the other time when I threw her over my shoulder and walked around Six Flags calling her my “Knapp-sack.”  She wasn’t laughing, but I could tell she got the joke.

Things were going good for like a year, but then, completely out of nowhere, she started getting crazy.  And I’m not talking fun, Britney Spears crazy.  I’m talking scary, Rosie O’Donnell crazy.  Looking back, that probably should have been my first clue that Jenn was…different. But what can I say?  I was young.  I was also going through a thirty-rack of Bud Heavy every two days or so.  Certain things were missed.

Jenn was always saying things like, “You’ve never supported me as an artist” which was dumb because she knew full well that I gave away all my copies of her CDs just so my friends could learn to love her music too.  And she would always bring up the fact that I’d never technically “been” to one of her concerts even though I had told her many times that it wasn’t personal. I just get creeped out by chicks playing the guitar.  Always have, always will.

Needless to say, things didn’t work out between us.  She moved to Australia, I moved in with my mom for awhile.  It was no different from any other breakup, and I figured she’d go back to dating boys and I’d go back to dating girls, just like we did before we met.  I swear, I was just as shocked as you when I found out she was a dy…that she was gay.

Of course, as they say, hindsight is 20/20.  (Note: turns out this saying has nothing to do with how good your eyesight is when you’re checking out a chick’s caboose.  That’s another thing Jennifer taught me.)  Looking back on our tumultuous relationship, I can see many things I should have done differently.  I probably shouldn’t have called her a “frumpy version of Rebecca St. James.”  I probably shouldn’t have told her about all the things I wanted to do to Jaci Valasquez.  I probably shouldn’t have shacked up with her sister that one Thanksgiving.

I probably shouldn’t have done a lot of things.  Let me reiterate, I was drinking a lot in those days.  But this letter isn’t about the past.  It’s about the future.  And in the future, Jennifer Knapp is gay and Topher Benson is really sorry about it.

The fact that it was an accident and that it happened nearly a decade ago does not excuse what I’ve done.  I’ve taken something from all of you and I’m not just talking about the CDs you had to destroy by ritual fire.  I’m talking about Jennifer Knapp.  I’m talking about the role model, the spiritual adviser, and the sex symbol who was sensual but still wearing a shirt.  I’ve ruined yet another safe alternative to Katy Perry, and for this and for everything else I am truly, sadly, deeply sorry.

There’s nothing I can do to take away the pain I have caused.  I can only offer my sincere apologies and my solemn promise that I will never again turn a beloved Christian pop singer into a lesbian.  This is all I have to give and I hope it is enough.

Sincerely,

Topher Benson

Watch this video. It’s about 6 minutes long total and the part I’m concerned with begins about 3 minutes and 15 seconds into it, so you can skip ahead if you want. There’s also a transcription below, if you’re lazy. Who am I kidding? I know you’re lazy. Just read the transcription.

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/MediaPlayer/3371/Video/

This is from a segment called “Ask Pastor John,” where he takes questions from people and does his best to answer them. The question in this situation is:

If you were a youth pastor with two minutes to convince a young man not to sleep with his girlfriend, what would you say? Would your comments be different if you were talking to a young lady?

Good question, right? Every Christian that’s ever been in a romantic relationship has had this issue come up. Where’s the line? If I love her, why can’t we? What about if we keep our eyes closed? Or if I have gloves on? And ski pants? We’re going to get married anyway. Piper provides multiple approaches to answer this question which are generally solid, but he ruins it in a big way about 3:15 when he presents his “second approach” to addressing this issue. It’s jaw dropping. Here’s what he says:

Piper: Number two you’d say: You know, don’t you, that Christ died for you sins? All of them, including your future fornication. When you penetrate this woman, you thrust a sword into Jesus’ side. Think about that. Do you want to do that? Every sin you commit is a fresh sword thrust into the side of Jesus. You keep that in your mind, buddy.

Wow, Pastor John. Wow. I just… I just don’t know what to say. Did you really have to do that? Did you really have to go there, with that, like that? I mean, there are a lot of other ways to say that that don’t involve the image of stabbing Jesus with a penis. You really had no other thought in your mind other than a metaphor that is featured in every single romance novel ever? If the tactic you were going for was to disturb people out of premarital sex, you were completely successful. In fact, I’m not sure you didn’t scare married couples out of having sex. He even pauses to say “think about that,” for emphasis. I don’t want to think about that, Pastor John. Not because I disagree with you, but because I now have the image in my mind of a wiener killing Jesus and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same.

"Just think of it, stabbing Jesus with your dong"

Maybe he was put on the spot and it was unintentional, but this is a recording. This was edited. You could have gone back and re-shot that particular segment. Why didn’t you? Did you think that was an effective way to convey your point? Any junior high kid that was actually considering asking this question just frantically turned off their computer and hid under their bed. Sex is already an uncomfortable subject for many young people, especially Christian kids. Who are they going to ask? Their parents? That’s a terrifying prospect for Christian and non-Christian kids alike, because it presupposes that our parents would be speaking from experience with each other and sweet Moses please bleach my mind.

More than that, it’s an important subject; if young people can’t get respectful, engaging, normal information from their church leaders about sexuality and its place within Christian life, they’re going to get it somewhere else, like MTV or Dr. Phil. Have you seen that guy? These kids are sincerely seeking advice, trying to do the right thing. It’s not really helpful to tell them that when they’re considering rounding the bases they’re really thinking about penis-stabbing Jesus.

Just as effective, Pastor John.

The problem here is that the delivery overwhelms the message. This is a sensitive subject, one where violent, hyperbolic images have no place. This isn’t Iraq, dude. Leave the Shock and Awe for the military.

People will remember your message, sure – but they won’t take it seriously. They’ll be too focused on how you just scarred them for life, and they’re never going to want to ask for your perspective again for fear of the next horrifying image you may conjure up.

Not good this time, John Piper. Not good.

Oh well, no sense fighting it.  We can’t all be Major League Baseball chaplains or “religion consultants” for M. Night Shyamalan movies.  Jonah wasn’t thrilled about going into ministry either and everyone at Sea World can tell you how that worked out for him.  (Note: too soon?)

But let’s not harp on the negatives.  There are plenty (i.e. one or two) reasons to be excited about your new calling.  For starters, at least you weren’t called to something really awful, like celibacy or accounting.  (Same thing, I know.)  For seconds, thanks to advances in modern spirituality, church planting isn’t nearly as inconvenient as it used to be.

Fortunately for you, heroes of the faith have spent the past two millennia planting churches in some of the worst locations imaginable (i.e. Europe, most of Africa, urban centers, the East Coast, pretty much everywhere that gets really cold or really hot).  What does that leave for you?  It leaves the only region on the planet where people still possess the requisite leisure time and sunshine to reflect on the Lord as the Bible intended: Southern California.  It seems the Judsons and Livingstones of the world, in their haste to take the Word to the ends of the earth, neglected the reprobates on the beaches and at the burrito stands.  It is to them whom you are called.

But NOT SO FAST.  It takes more than a Bible major and a soul patch to set up a pulpit in a palm grove.  What is this, Pensacola, Florida?  Hahaha! But seriously, there are rules.  There are processes to employ and procedures to follow.  It’s not as easy as you think.  But fret not my California-bound cleric.  We have assembled all the necessary activities in an easy to read, easier to follow webinar.  Follow the steps outlined below and Rick Warren will be coming to your conferences by Christmas.

1)      Take up surfing – If you moved to Russia, you’d grow a beard.  If you moved to Vietnam, you’d eat dog meat.  If you move to Southern California, you must learn how to surf.  People aren’t much interested in this Jesus fellow until they find out what you know about Kelly Slater.

2)      Throw out all your close toed shoes – if I have to explain this further, you might be in over your head.  While you’re at it, go ahead and donate all your non-Hurley, Quicksilver, or Billabong clothing to the poor-in-fashion people at Old Navy.

3)      Rent out a middle school gym, local theatre, or abandoned storefront for your Sunday services.  In addition to the obvious financial benefits, your humble accommodations will further separate your “gatherings” from the stodgy old codgers down the street at the 1^st Presbyterian Church of Buzzkills.  Cause let’s be honest, is there anything less chill than property ownership?  No, there is not.

4)      Come up with a monosyllabic, vaguely biblical, one word name for your congregation. F words seem especially popular.  The Field, The Flood, and The Flock are all excellent examples.  But they’re already taken so come up with your own F’in name.  Whatever you decide upon, make sure it (a) conceals the nature of your organization from casual visitors and (b) comes with a built in sermon whenever someone asks for further clarification.

5)      In the spirit of sneak attack evangelism, don’t hesitate to season your opening worship set with songs by secular or “trans-orthodox” groups like Owl City, Band of Horses, and Maroon 5.  If God can speak to us through nature, he can certainly speak to us through “Fireflies.”

6)      Each sermon should contain at least two surf-related illustrations.  This will hold your audience’s attention and will ensure that, at least twice weekly, they’ll understand what you’re talking about.  Words like “rad”, “gnarly”, and “badass” should be used liberally when describing Jesus, especially his interactions with Pharisees or money changers.

7)      Try to minimize the attention brought to the weird or icky parts of Christianity.  If you’re into the whole “tradition” thing, you can set up a little juice and cracker station off to the side, but try not to talk about it too much.  Things like this only confuse people.  Contentious issues like gender roles, hell, and The Old Testament should be avoided entirely.

8)      Do your best to hide/expel anyone over the age of 40 who shows up.  People that old haven’t been cool since the early 90s and you can’t afford the negative vibes put off by people so close to death.  Schedule Bible Studies for Wednesday at three in the afternoon.  Plan all-church retreats around pretend holidays like Martin Luther King Day and Spring Break.  Keep all your cultural references this side of Gavin DeGraw.  The grownups will find their own way out.

Those ought to get you started.  If you ever lose your way, I guess you can look to your Bible for answers.  Or, better yet, you can just remember the 3 C’s of SoCal Churches: Casual, Contemporary, Crushin’ It.

“Follow your heart, kid.  You’ll never go wrong.” -Sandlot

(If you’ve got a few more minutes to waste, check out my new article over at Five Minute Answers.  I can almost promise that most of you won’t regret it.)