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Fratboy Chad Analyzes a Poem

Hey what up sons! Chad, just here kickin it and doing some stupid homework for this Gen Ed class I have to take. It’s so, so lame. BRB I gotta shotgun a Natty before I start, hopefully it’ll get me through.

Alright, alright. I gotta “analyze” a poem. What the hell does that mean? I’m not an analyst, I’m a Phi Theta Kappa, bitch! Arggg… Whatevs man, let’s just get this done so I can go watch Anchorman with my frat brothers.

TO THE VIRGINS, TO MAKE MUCH OF TIME
by Robert Herrick

Virgins huh? Alright, alright. I like where your head is at Robbie.

GATHER ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying :
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying.

I guess this guy plants flowers or something to get virgins to like him. So I guess he’s saying, like, you better get that flower to that virgin chick before it dies or she’s gonna get with some other dude with a flower that is all alive or whatever. Good call with the flowers Robster, I’m gonna use that.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he’s a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he’s to setting.

Here he’s talking about smoking out I think, based on the fact that he says higher. Also, since he mentions the sun I’m gonna go ahead and say this dude is a 4:20 supporter. The last two lines are about doing the nasty, I’m pretty sure. It’s a race to get the freshman virgins every semester. Really liking this Rob guy. He speaks my language.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer ;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Man, this part reminds me of this one time we were hazing this total sissy frosh pledge, and right when he was about to start crying we made him drink some goat blood. Pushed him over the edge into baby-crying. I heard his dad tried to sue the school. Totally not PTK material.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may go marry :
For having lost but once your prime
You may for ever tarry.

Okay dude, this guy lost me here when he said “marry.” I’m never getting married unless I can somehow marry myself. You know my motto: “Why buy the cow if you can buy milk at the grocery store?” I don’t care who Tarry is or how hot she is right now, she’s gonna get fat eventually and I’m not going to waste my “prime” on that.

In conclusion, me and Robtastic were on the same page, but then he performed a Rob-erry on me and stole the broness from this poem in favor of being whipped. Two thumbs down.

PTK 4 Lyfe!

CHAD

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