The following is a transcript of the conversation that took place during a Bible study that Heidi and Spencer Pratt attended. For reasons of personal security, we cannot divulge how we attained this information.
CHRIS (Bible Study Leader): Hey everybody! I’d like to welcome you to another great Tuesday night Bible study here at Crossroads Christian Worship Centre! Now before you start whispering, I’ll just go ahead and offer a warm welcome to two newcomers who I’m sure you recognize: Heidi and Spencer Pratt! We’re just so thankful that you came.
HEIDI: Oh yeah, we’re like, super excited about Bibles.
SPENCER: Yeah! I totally brought my own. It says it’s called The Message, but I’m pretty sure it’s a Bible.
CHRIS: Close enough, Spencer.
HEIDI: Also, I just want everybody to know I brought in some advance copies of the Playboy issue that I’m in! They’re all signed by me and Spency, and specially personalized with my favorite Bible verse!
CHRIS: (stumbles with words) Um, Heidi, I uh… I think I can speak for all of us here when I say “no thank you.” It was, um, thoughtful of you to bring those, but they kind of… Nevermind, just no thank you.
DONNY (Bible study attendee): I’ll take one!
MIKE (Bible study attendee): Me too!
CHRIS: Guys! Have you already forgotten our “Every Man’s Battle” study from last month? Sorry Heidi, they won’t be taking a copy.
SPENCER: Are you sure man? They’re really hot. Seriously, she must be the closest thing to Eve since… Hotness.
CHRIS: I’m sure they’re, uh… High quality, Spencer. It’s just… This is a Bible study. A Christian Bible study. Look, let’s just get started and maybe you’ll begin to understand where I’m coming from, alright?
(Group nods and shrugs in the affirmative)
CHRIS: Okay… Today we’re going to continue our topical study of Paul’s writings entitled “How to live like a Christian.” For this we’re going to turn to Galatians 5:19-25.
HEIDI: What page is that on?
CHRIS: What? It’s… Look in your table of contents.
SPENCER: What’s a Galatians? That’s not a word.
CHRIS: (ignores Spencer) Okay, let’s all turn to that passage and read it. (Pauses, waiting for them to read) Any initial thoughts?
SPENCER: (Stands up) I’m Spencer, and I’m an alcoholic.
HEIDI: Hi Spencer.
CHRIS: What? Spencer, this isn’t Alcoholics Anonymous, this is a Bible study.
SPENCER: What’s the difference? You pray at both of them, and they’re both about not getting drunk, right?
CHRIS: No, that’s not what a Bible study is about… Just… Just read the passage okay?
(Spencer makes disgruntled face and reads passage)
CHRIS: So Paul lists off quite a few behaviors that he says are sinful. Clearly this list isn’t exhaustive, but it does give us an idea of the kind of behaviors that don’t belong in Christian life.
DONNY: I don’t see Playboy on there.
CHRIS: That’s true Donny, but you do see sexual immorality and impurity. Pornography leads to impure, sexually immoral thoughts.
SPENCER: Whoa whoa whoa, what’s that about porno?
CHRIS: It’s sexually immoral.
SPENCER: And that’s bad.
CHRIS: Right. Sinful.
SPENCER: I don’t get it.
CHRIS: Well, could you see Mother Theresa looking at pornography or being in Playboy?
SPENCER: Dude that’s nasty, she was not hot.
HEIDI: Besides, like, I want to be a Modern Mother Theresa, and I feel like part of that is adapting to what people do in the real world.
CHRIS: That’s actually completely opposite of the truth.
CHRIS: Let’s just move on. He goes on to list some other more attitudinal practices, but then he gets to some that are more directly behavioral. Drunkenness and orgies are also sinful behaviors. Now clearly Drunkenness is probably more common than orgies these days, but –
SPENCER: What’s an orgy?
CHRIS: It is where a group of people get together and participate in sexual acts together, all as a group.
SPENCER: And you just said that this Paul guy called that sinful? He obviously never went to a Hills cast party.
HEIDI: (Laughs) For real!
CHRIS: Well it goes back to the sexual immorality thing. But like I was saying, getting drunk is a lot more common in our culture. Does anyone have anything to say about that? Maybe some personal stories?
ELIZABETH (Bible study attendee): My father is an alcoholic. I have to admit that sometimes it’s hard for me to limit myself to just a few drinks.
CHRIS: That’s understandable Elizabeth. It is a struggle, but we have to fight temptation.
HEIDI: So when you say drunkenness is bad or whatever, do you mean like, on Sunday or something? Because I never ever get drunk on Sunday.
CHRIS: No, Heidi. I mean every day.
HEIDI: But not Sunday?
CHRIS: No, including Sunday.
SPENCER: Hold the phone. We can never get drunk? What if we don’t drive?
CHRIS: Even if you don’t drive. You shouldn’t do that anyway, it’s illegal.
SPENCER: If you drive with one eye closed, you’re good. What about if you drop a tab of X and then get drunk? That usually gets me all hopped up. I’m pretty sure I drive better like that. I know Heidi does.
HEIDI: (Lightly punches Spencer’s arm) Shut up!
CHRIS: No, none of that is okay! Do you know anything about Christian behavior?
HEIDI: Duh of course we do. We voted for McCain. Palin 2012!
SPENCER: Yeah, and no gay marriage. What do they need to get married for anyway, dudes can’t get pregnant.
HEIDI: Yeah they can stupid. That’s what artificial insexination is.
SPENCER: Oh righhttt. Well I guess that makes sense.
CHRIS: Times up. This Bible study is over. Heidi and Spencer, thanks for coming. Next week the study will be meeting at the bottom of the ocean. Just walk into the ocean and start breathing, you’ll find us.
MIKE: That’s not tru-
CHRIS: Shut up Mike. Think your wife is going to want to know about your Playboy outburst?
MIKE: (To Heidi and Spencer) Yeah, next week is definitely at the bottom of the sea.
SPENCER: (To Heidi) Dude, that’s great, I love it when your boobs float.
CHRIS: Yep. Thanks guys. Let’s pray.