So you’re a crazy girlfriend. It’s not uncommon; everyone has a little bit of crazy in them, right? You’re just more liberated about that crazy, more expressive. That’s cool. Nobody is judging you, and if they are they just don’t understand. But we understand. After all, what’s the problem with a taste of irrational psychosis every now and then? Keeps life interesting. Sometimes, though, we all run into situations where we’re just not sure what the craziest, most illogical response would be. Here are some suggestions on how to cope in those situations when you need some help releasing your inner Tazmanian Devil.
Let’s start off with the golden rule: When in Doubt, Assume He’s in Love with His Ex. No matter what the issue, your go-to strategy is always to somehow involve his ex-girlfriend in the situation. Maybe he liked her more than he likes you, maybe she’s got prettier hair than you, whatever. Just find a way to make it about him and her and not about you and him. He doesn’t have an ex-girlfriend? Make one up. Or just use that one girl. You know the one from that class? The one he’s always staring at? Yeah. That one.
Your boyfriend doesn’t give you anything for your one month anniversary
Well, you’ve already got a head start by expecting to get anything for your one month anniversary, so way to go! You get a straight jacket sticker. Anyway, you’ve already told him that you love him and he returns the favor by ignoring the one month mark? You can’t let that go unnoticed. For this situation, we’re going to suggest that you head right to the source for the answer: his family. Does he have a sibling? A sister, preferably? Great. Go ahead and send her an instant message on AIM and do a little innocent recon. Questions you might want to ask: “Where does he stand with gifts?” “Did he give you something for your birthday, or did he forget that too?” “Is he always this insensitive and self-centered?” “Did he give his other girlfriend something for their one month anniversary?” These are all questions a good sister should be able to answer. Another option is the Facebook post on his sister’s wall. Something like this: “i think im goin 2 break up w/ur brother cuz he doesnt luv me n-e-more.” It’s crucial not to use correct grammar in your post and to use as many AIM substitutions as possible. We’re not sure why, but this is just the doctrine of the crazy girlfriend. Do not violate it.
You See Your Boyfriend Talking With His Ex-Girlfriend
Could this be an innocent conversation between two people, completely uninterested in each other? Absolutely not. So how do you handle it? Aggressive Passive Aggression. You need to tell him that you’re crushed that he’s leaving you for his ex, but without using those words. Or any spoken words for that matter. If you write words, they have to be completely and utterly unrelated to the situation, preferably in the form of poetry. Examples:
Throw a brick through his bedroom window with a piece of paper wrapped around it. On that paper should be a poem, much like this one:
Our life forces once ran together
Like two rivers
But then that bitch came back and ruined everything.
Okay, maybe more subtle than the last line, but you get the idea. I know you’ll be able to come up with some good words if you really tap into your deep well of lunacy.
In the event that you cry during this situation, (let’s be honest, you’re crying right now!) you’re going to want to save every tear-soaked tissue so that you can put them in a plastic bag marked “The Essence of My Broken Heart” or “Pain Juice” and place it on his doorstep.
And finally, some Quick Tips to close it all out:
1.) If you and your boyfriend get into an argument in the car and he’s driving, the best way to express your emotions would be to try to kick him in the face from the passenger seat.***
2.) The first time you meet the family, you’re going to want to stick with the classic rule of being insane in social situations: Too Much Information. When you’re sitting with the whole family around the dinner table, maybe tell the narrative of your first make out with your soon-to-be-horrified boyfriend. Include statements like these: “He was totally lost with my brastrap!”
3.) If your boyfriend isn’t answering his phone, keep calling. Over and over and over again. Seriously, don’t stop calling until he answers. Send him text messages, leave voicemails. There’s no reason for him not to answer. Maybe drive by his house to see if his car is there. It isn’t? What the? Definitely drive by his ex-girlfriend’s house. She’ll ruin everything.
4.) In the unfortunate (and unlikely) event that you become the ex-girlfriend and your now ex-boyfriend moves on, the best way to express that you miss him and that you’re interested in rekindling the now dead flames is to threaten to kill yourself unless he takes you back. This kind of ultimatum will really show him just how much you really care for him.
***This one actually happened to my brother. I’m serious.
And that’s that, ladies and gentlemen: what to do if you suddenly find that you’re a crazy girlfriend. Come back next week for How to Cope with Being Smoking Hot: A Guide.