December 31st is upon us and with it comes an evening of binge drinking, bad decisions, and then the declaration of resolutions to never again make those bad decisions. Some of us will go to a bar or club. Some will attend a party at a friend’s residence. Some will sit alone on their couch while they weep and drink themselves into oblivion. Still, some others will spend the evening with their families, pretending that playing Monopoly: Star Wars Edition with the younger cousins is “seriously super fun” and truthlessly declaring that “really Mom, there’s no where I’d rather be than with my family on New Years.” We know you’re a liar, and so does Jesus. Who wouldn’t want to kiss someone at midnight rather than hug their crazy Aunt Janie and then listen for thirty minutes while she tells you how she’s not going to eat Little Debbies this year because they give her gas? We love you crazy Aunt Janie, but you’re overweight and I don’t like to think about the gaseous products of your digestive processes. I’d rather be kissing a babe. Or a girl that was “kind of cute.” Or – to reference Kent’s sexist article about rating women’s attractiveness – maybe even a “3” if the lights were real dim and I had a few glasses of bubbly in my belly. Sound desperate? Maybe. Let’s just say this recession has effected a lot of economies.
I digress. I wouldn’t wish this scenario upon you, but perhaps you’ll be at a party and every single person will be paired off, leaving you alone, frustrated, and somewhat pathetic. What’s a boy/girl to do in such a dire situation? Have no fear. There are ways to gather the shattered pieces of your self esteem off the linoleum and glue them back together into something respectable, maybe even into a smooch. Take my hand. Let’s go on a journey.
Option One: Avoidance
When the ball has nearly dropped and the countdown to everyone noticing how painfully alone you are is about to begin, be absent. Find any reason. Suddenly the champagne has gotten to you and you need to pee, maybe for like five to ten minutes. Just long enough for all the kissing and “Happy New Years” to die down. If someone asks you where you were, be sure to specifically mention peeing. Otherwise, if you throw down the “I was in the restroom” bit, they might think that the reason you took so long is because you were pooping. If word gets out about that, you’re sunk. No smooches for you. Of course this isn’t a problem for girls though, because everybody knows girls don’t poop. (Thanks Captain Obvious! – Kent)
Conversations might go like this:
Non-Alone Person: Dude, where were you at midnight?
Champion of Solitude: My car was on fire. I was just putting it out.
Non-Alone Person: Oh okay, cool.
Non-Alone Person: I noticed you were conspicuously absent at midnight when I was tonsil tickling my significant other.
Champion of Solitude: I was performing a jewel heist.
Non-Alone Person: I am now jealous of you.
You could also fall back on everybody’s savior in awkward social situations: your cell phone. What? It’s 11:55pm? Looks like my best friend is calling me! Gotta step out into the hallway/balcony/coat closet/freeway overpass to take this call. And when everybody is pairing off and flirting with each other, you should probably be texting. This shows everyone a few things:
1.) You like, totally don’t even notice that you’re the only one not swapping spit at midnight.
2.) Even if you’re alone now, you’re texting a super hottie that would seriously love to kiss you.
3.) Really though, you’re apathetic. For reals. Not a care at all. You only care about this text conversation with Hottie Hot Hotterson.
Option Two: The Funny Guy
As with public flatulence, making a joke out of your own misfortune is a gamble. If you’re not a seasoned joker, stick with option one. It’d be like when movie stars try to make music. You’re an actor. Leave the music to the musicians.
Your jokes about being alone have to be loud and proud. Generally these jokes need to be self-deprecating or insulting to those around you. Here are some modest ideas to get your brainstorm brewing:
1.) I decided to start my “no kissing sluts” resolution five minutes ago.
2.) If I wanted mouth herpes, I’d be kissing your mother.
3.) It’s cool, I really enjoy being alone while I’m surrounded by people kissing each other. It’s a voyeuristic thing.
Just make sure your delivery borders on obnoxious. If you’re too subtle, you’re just going to devolve back into being pathetic. It’s hard to maintain the delicate balance, but it can be done. At the very least, it maintains your dignity as the clown that everyone loves but doesn’t want to kiss.
And Option Three: This is Your Choice
This is a hard sell, but it’s also somewhat hard to debunk. You just have to act like you’re alone because you want to be, not because you have been systematically rejected by every member of the opposite sex that is present. Your excuses should be creative, but not so creative that they’re impossible to believe. Tell people that you have mono, don’t tell people that you have small pox. Tell them you have a girlfriend in another state, don’t tell them that you’re dating Princess Siriwannawari Nariratana of Thailand. Tell them you’re abstaining for religious reasons, don’t say “these bitches is schwag.” You get the idea. If you play it right, no one can argue with you. Nobody wants to prove that you don’t have mono.
No more excuses. If you find yourself in this wretched situation on New Years Eve, you know what to do. Then again, you could also just leave before midnight. But that’s too easy, right?
Come back next week for the next Coping Guide. Happy New Year from The Talking Mirror. Here’s to hoping you get a little action.