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How to Cope with Being Obnoxiously in Love: A Guide

Isn’t love amazing? It really is. Nothing else like it. Not even drugs. It’s a rare and beautiful thing when you finally meet that special someone. Who knows where cupid struck you both with his arrow? Maybe you had a class together. Maybe you met through a friend. Maybe you met on Myspace. Whatever the medium upon which your personal Romeo and Juliet began (except without the mutual suicide!), I’m sure you’ve experienced just how hard it is to keep that fireball of romance to yourself. Luckily for you, we here at The Talking Mirror are in the self-help business and have come up with a guide just for you and your boo bear.*

Step One: Always Maintain Physical Contact
No matter what happens, never forget this step. Your love will explode into a dust of broken promises and insecurities you never knew you could have. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, whoever you’re with; none of it matters. The rule always applies. You must always be touching each other. It doesn’t have to be normal or even practical. It just has to be. Common examples:

The “arm around the waist even while walking, running, swimming, or sitting.” This is a pretty common choice amongst the love-stricken. Keep your arm around your lover’s waist no matter how inconvenient it may get, even as you try to run up the escalator or go through airport security. If you don’t, they will disappear instantly. Guaranteed.

The “constant hand-hold.” While more subtle than the arm around the waist, the hand-hold is no less dedicated. No matter what happens, you never let go of that hand. Got sweaty palms? Tough crap, son. You think love is for the weak? Let me tell you, it’s not. Walking through a crowd? You hold on for dear life. What if you get separated?! I… I can’t even bear the thought. Do whatever you have to in order to maintain the hand-hold. Clothes-hang a passer-by, knock over a food stand, step directly on the neck of a puppy – it doesn’t matter. You know what matters? Never letting go. If you let go, they’ll know that you don’t love them anymore and never did.

The “touch, just because.” This move really only belongs in a sitting position and ideally when you’re with a large group of people that obviously don’t know enough about how much you love each other. First, you must be sitting next to each other. Gosh, that was a dumb thing for me to tell you to do! There’s no way two people in love could ever sit anywhere but next to each other! You knew that. Sorry. Anyway, the important part is to try to stay within reason while still maintaining contact. A hand on the knee, shoulders touching, hand affectionately scratching the back, or toes intertwined: take your pick, it’s all golden and will ensure that your love will stay alive forever and ever and ever and ever.

Step Two: Constantly be Together
Remember when you weren’t in love? I know, me neither! But seriously, try to imagine. You were one person. Three weeks later, you’re in love. Know what you are now? A two person unit. Friends wanna hang out? They get the packaged deal. All or nothing, ladies and gentlemen. These two hearts are now one heart. Know what happens if they separate? They freaking die. And it’s bloody. Nobody wants that. Maybe you’re still in high school or college. Guess what? It’s time to go visit your adviser/counselor to make sure you have all the same classes. And, as we said before, you obviously have to sit next to each other. Maybe you’re at a party. Do you mingle with the other guests? Do you go downstairs to play Rock Band with the bro’s? Do you use the restroom? Absolutely not. You sit or stand together in one section of the party for the entirety of your stay. If people want to talk to you, they can come to you. You should also leave the party relatively early because you “had plans,” which should mean that you’re going to snuggle up on the couch and watch Scrubs on DVD.

Step Three: Let the World (Internet) Know
It’s time to show the entire world just how much you love each other via the intertron.

3.1) First and foremost, update your Facebook and Myspace relationship statuses. If you don’t do this, your relationship is a lie.
3.2) Next, change your profile picture to one that features you and your soul mate. This can be any sort of picture – laughing together, making silly faces using your macbook’s camera, or maybe a formal pose from prom or homecoming or when you went to see High School Musical. There’s one profile picture that trumps them all, though. It will tell the world that your love is so lovey and warm and real and eternal that really, no one else could understand it. What is it, you ask? The kissing picture. That’s right. You get some lucky bystander to snap a pic of you two smooching and make that your profile picture. Trust me. The second anyone sees that picture they’ll say to themselves “Wow. That’s not nauseating at all. That’s beautiful. That’s the kind of love I wish I had.
3.3) And finally, it’s time to post affectionate things on each other’s walls. The following are real life examples from people whose love obviously conquers all, even grammar and spelling.

so i kinda sorta maybe rEAllY love YOU! miss you boo. 3 weeks and counting….1 year and 53 days and counting till something else 🙂 and HAPPY four months. gah, i love you boo. xoxo*

go to bed you drunkbutttttt. i’m still up! oh man ,i shouldnt have drank that code red. hope you are sleeping soundly as i’m sure you are. you are a funnyyybunnny. love you boo bear.*

remember that one time you were in osh kosh (bi gosh) and i missed you a lot cuz you were super busy? ya, well i’m glad thats in the past and i get to talk to you for HOURS today :):) i love you babe. miss you (13 days!)*

As you can tell, this kind of love-laced poetry cannot be fictionalized. It can only be inspired. If you follow this guide, you too can hope to one day achieve this, the highest level of romantic nirvana. Tune in next week for another guide to coping with something that you obviously need help coping with.

*Denotes direct, vomit-inducing quotes.

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