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How to Cope with Having a Tramp Stamp: A Guide

So you have a tramp stamp. College is crazy, right? People do crazy things in college. Tramp stampy things. You might have been inebriated. You might have had some “liberated” friends that told you that you needed to “liberate” yourself with “ancient tribal body art” right above your butt cleavage. Those people hated you and were not your friends, nor were they liberated from anything but good judgment. Now you realize that your little piece of body decoration isn’t exactly “socially appreciated,” but you can’t afford to erase that mistake with a laser (I wish all mistakes could be erased with lasers). What now? What do you do when someone notices it now that you’re all grown up, classy, and sober?

Step One: To Own or to Disown
First, you must decide which route you’re going to take defensively. You’re hanging out at the local Dairy Queen, and some stupid chick is all like “Ummm, nice tattoo!” and then her and her posse of free-thinking, non-conformist friends laugh in unison. How do you respond? You have two choices.

1. Ownage: “Yeah, skank. It is a nice tattoo. If you’d like, I can use my Blizzard spork to tattoo my name onto your forehead. How would you like that?” (Alternate Ownage: “Why thank you.”)

2. Disownage: There are a lot of complex ways to divorce yourself from a decision you’ve made in the past. Just ask Bill Clinton.
2.A: Ignore them/lie.
Ignoring is self explanatory, and is also known by some pansies as “the high road.” Whatever. Lying is more engaging and creative, which is obviously better if you’re an artist. Example: “That’s not a tattoo. That’s a scar from [insert miscellaneous traumatic life event]. Thanks for bringing it up, jerk!” Then you run off sobbing. Or you could say as you hiccup through tears and tear-snot “I… I got into a fight with that one chick from Miami Ink while I was on spring break… I lost.” Then you run off sobbing. Clearly, 2.A requires a lot of commitment and isn’t for the weak of heart.
2.B: Agree with them and admit it was a mistake. As you can tell, this is the white flag of the tramp stamp lifestyle. I hear it’s popular in France. (Boo-yah, suck it France! – Kent) Here’s an example of what you might say: “It was a bad decision and I regret making it.” Boring right? Sounds like a politician talking about going to President Bush’s birthday party. This strategy doesn’t have to be all “I’m French and I’m going to run away and call my big brother America to save me.” You can throw a little underhanded jab in there for good measure: “Yeah, I know. Pretty dumb. I was young, stupid, attractive, and popular. You probably wouldn’t understand.” Or “Definitely a mistake, kind of like the one your parents made when they chose to adopt you instead of the super smart Japanese kid.” Be creative.

Step Two: Come Up With an Profound Sounding Meaning
If you chose option 2 above, then you needn’t read on. You’ve disowned the decision, and so you’re done with this guide to coping. You’re a coward, you don’t like to party, and when the going gets tough you piss yourself and faint. Maybe that’s a little extreme, but you definitely don’t like to party.
However, if you chose option 1, it’s time for you to move into the next phase of owning your tramp stamp: finding some way to make it have significance rather than just being something that draws attention to your private parts. These can be truths, half truths, or straight out lies. Examples:
“It’s the tribal symbol for perseverance.” What are people going to say to that? I don’t speak tribal, how the hell do I know if you’re lying or not? And who is going to argue with perseverance? That’s something everybody can get on board with. No one argues against perseverance. Unless they’re French.
“In Indonesia, the butterfly represents hope in times of suffering.” Mmmm. Tastes good, doesn’t it? Who’s going to say “Well you know what? I think hope in times of suffering is silly, immature, and skanky.” Nobody. And who knows if that’s what a butterfly represents in Indonesia? Even if an Indonesian says it doesn’t,  you can always just say that some other Indonesian said it did, and they were more Indonesian anyway.
“When my mother died of whole-body-death cancer and I was only eight years old, I made believe that she had been reincarnated as a fairy and was always watching over me.” What are you going to say now, mockers? “Damn, your mother died? When you were eight? Of whole-body-death cancer? That’s… That’s horrible. I’m sorry to hear that. What a great way to remember her.” Let’s be honest here, a tattoo just above your crack isn’t really a great way to memorialize your dead mom. And your mom isn’t dead, either; but Mr. Naysaying Bad-Tattoo Police over here doesn’t know that. Even if he has a good feeling that it isn’t true, he can’t call you on it. Because what if it is true? Then he’d be a total asshole, just like the French.

So there you have it, ladies: two easy steps for coping with your tramp stamp now that you’re no longer a fun loving, outgoing party girl. Also the French are sissies.

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