Yes, yes, I know. It’s been a long time since we’ve spent some time together, talking through our problems and becoming better people. I apologize for the hiatus of my massive wisdom. I’ve been busy writing my autobiography How to Cope with Being Awesome: The Life of Conor McCarthy. I’ve finally finished all 1200 pages of that though, and it’s time to get back to helping you navigate this horrifying labyrinth that is your everyday life. Today I’m going to guide you through the section of this maze that we call the First Date with some succulent bread crumbs of advice. Romance is near, friends. Walk with me.
First Things First
You’re already ahead of the game in that you’re going on a date at all. You landed a phone number (most likely) and a date, so you at least have that trophy. No one can take that from you, even if your date decides that you’re “the creepiest guy she’s ever met” and that you “have the style of a Las Vegas street performer.” She’s a stinky skank anyway. (Yeah, that’s right Susan. Stinky. Like a petting zoo.) I’m going to split this guide into a section for the ladies and a section for the gentlemen. The first date experience is different for both genders, just like urinating.
All the Ladies in the House Say What!
Some dude used the killer “is that a mirror in your pocket” line on you and landed your number. Don’t feel bad for not playing hard to get. That line is like catnip for the ladies – there’s nothing you can do but surrender your phone number and then fan yourself afterward. But what now? How do you approach the “maiden voyage” of your new relationship? After all, this could be the story you tell your grand kids. Here are a couple important things to remember.
1. Violence Violence Violence
This is a very basic nonverbal communication strategy that shows interest, but not so much that it’s offputting. It hearkens back to a simpler time when communication was much clearer than it is now – second grade. If a girl liked a boy or vice versa, violence would ensue. Lots of people out there want to tell us that we’ve “grown out of this” or that “mature people don’t communicate that way,” but who are these people who are trying to mislead us? Cat ladies and fat dudes that masquerade as chicks on myspace. They don’t know what they’re talking about. When he initially picks you up, kick him right in the shin. If you really want to say “hey, I’m a level headed girl with no emotional issues” you need to go for the gold. And by gold I mean kick him in the crotch. Only do that for a guy you really like though.
2. “The Mumble Laugh”
Never, ever, ever laugh with your mouth open. NEVER. This is the first date. You’ve really got to be cautious about the message you’re sending. What if you have puke breath? What if one of your teeth is loose, and then it shoots out of your mouth and into your date’s throat, causing asphyxiation and other wacky hijinks? Sound like a Ben Stiller movie? That could be your life. Calm down, calm down. There’s a way to avoid that kind of complete failure. Just laugh with your mouth closed. Go ahead, try it. See? Sound like someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? It totally does. Keep that up for the entire date and you’ll be just fine.
All My Homies in the House Say Hey!
So that one chick you’ve been messaging with on myspace finally agrees to meet you at IHOP. Congratulations, let’s hope she’s not one of those fat dudes I mentioned from before! Hahaha! Just kidding. No but really, you should be careful. Anyway, assuming she’s really a she and not Trey that lives in his mother’s basement, here’s a couple rules to follow to make sure things go silky smooth.
1. Momma’s Boy
Girls want a guy that is close with his mother. That means the dude will have a good relationship with his wife in the future. What’s that? Freud said what? Yikes. Good thing this isn’t Ancient Greece, right? Anyway, you need to talk about your mom as much as possible. Does your date have nice earrings on? Tell her they look like a pair you’ve seen your mother wear before. Do you like her perfume? Tell her she smells like your mother. In the middle of the date, take a picture of her with your camera phone. Say “gotta send this to Mumsy to see what she thinks.” Three words will inevitably pop into her mind: Marry this man.
2. Fighter, not a Lover… Wait. Both.
99% of the purpose of the first date for a guy is impressing the girl. There are a lot of things that impress women: wealth, power, physical prowess, belch volume – just to name a few. But what can you do on a typical “dinner date” that will show her that your genes are indeed the best to combine with? Fight someone. It doesn’t matter who or for what reason, if any at all. Punch a waiter/ess. Make sure it’s someone you can take easily. An elderly man or an adolescent boy is always a solid choice. Nothing says virility and romance like punching a pubescent kid right in the forehead. She’ll probably high five you because that was awesome and then you’ll sit down and enjoy a wonderful dinner.
There you have it ladies and gents. Follow these steps and you’ll be well on your way to a long, beautiful relationship with the love of your life. Tune in again soon for another guide to coping with life’s toughest issues. Until then, best of luck.