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I am Going to Have Crazy Sex Once I am Married

This article is satirical and covers topics that are of a sexual nature. If you feel uncomfortable discussing topics of that nature, then maybe don’t read it rather than getting mad after reading it. Or read it and get mad, that’s okay too. Just wanted to give you a heads up.

Oh man, I can’t freaking wait. Know what I’m talking about? I’m just going to have crazy sex when I’m married, and just all the TIME you know? Man, I just… I just can’t WAIT. It’s going to be awesome. We’re gonna get married and just go BALLISTIC. We’re going to do it in every single room, like, EVERYWHERE. She’d better get ready, I’m gonna be tough to handle. I mean, men have needs. We can’t help it, we’re just on fire all the time. Oh man, that’s going to be intense. And women, you know, like Biblically they’re supposed to submit to us… So it’ll be none of this “I have a headache” or “I’m too tired” stuff from her, no way! She’ll be there for me when I need her.

It’s so weird how like, things are so opposite with Christians and non-Christians when it comes to sex. Like with… um.. you know… “oral” sex or whatever. I don’t even know if that’s like, Biblical. And I will NOT do that to my wife. That’s so so so gross. I’m down with girl parts and all that but… Just not that kind of down. That’s just like, wrong. Certain parts were meant for certain places, ya know? And uh, for her to do that to me… It’s so degrading to women. I mean, I guess if she really wants to then I’m fine with that… But only if she really wants to.

And you know what I’m going to do on my wedding day except smash my virginity like all those secular cd’s I broke when I joined the youth group back in 7th grade? Burn my copy of Every Man’s Battle. That battle has done been WON, am I right!? Yeah, that’s what I’ll say as it burns. Bye bye porno and masturbation, hello constant sex with my gorgeous, perfect, non-farting wife!

I’ve heard all this stuff about… um… having your “O” too early. These guys get nervous and, well, they uh, round home base before they should. Man, that’s not going to be a big deal. I’m just going to be SO in LOVE with her, ya know? I’m not going to have a chance to be nervous. It’s just going to be so epic, like that scene in Braveheart, except indoors and less sneaky. Although I’m sure we’ll eventually christen the back yard before long! Know what I’m saying?! Yeah, you know what I’m saying.

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