I Have Some Dreams: A Word on Growing Up

Like most young men not currently employed as astronauts, ambulance drivers, or dinosaur hunters, I have had to revise the dreams of my boyhood.  While I once lamented this abandonment of my youthful fantasies, I now realize it was a necessary process as my post-9/11 worldview expanded to encompass ideas greater than cars with sirens.  I have been told by Barack Obama and innumerable pop-punk songwriters that dreams are the nectar of life, and have therefore endeavored to replace my dreams of careers featuring burning buildings, heavy-automatic machine guns, and mobs of catatonic disciples with more practical, attainable pursuits.  It is with this mind – as a 23 year-old college graduate – that I find myself dreaming new dreams.

-I dream of the day when 95% of my meals are not some form of pasta.

-I also hope to see the day when I no longer consider chopped up chunks of hot dog in my Mac and Cheese to be a luxury.

-I dream of the day when I can afford to wash my reds in a separate load from the rest of my clothes.

-One day I will have the time and desire to vacuum entire rooms rather than just a path through the center.

-One day, the “Kent Woodyard” Wikipedia entry will include the words “highly regarded boom-mic operator, competitive eater, and horse whisperer.”

-If all goes as planned, that Wikipedia entry will also describe my death as follows: “was jettisoned into orbit around Jupiter where his body remains to this day.”

-I dream of the day when financial success will remove the legitimacy of the thirty-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon or twelve-pack of Newcastle debate.

-I hope one day to understand what in the hell is going on with LOST Season 5.

-One day people will pay exorbitant sums of money for the following: a book of my quotations, the desk upon which I am writing this article, photographs of me hitting a bong with college students, my Latin Grammy award, and the crust of one of my half-eaten Reuben sandwiches.

- I dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

-Before the age of 35 I will accomplish the following:

  • Presenter and/or Lifetime Achievement Award recipient at The Teen Choice Awards.
  • Deliver Wheaton College’s Commencement Address entirely in pig latin.
  • Guest judge at Hawaiian Tropics’ Annual Swimsuit Contest.
  • Judge of some chili cook-off somewhere in the south.
  • Roaster at Comedy Central’s Roast of Ryan Seacrest.

-At some point in my life I will turn down an invitation to the White House.

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About the author

Hailing from the great state of Oklahoma, Kent Woodyard was raised in a tepee by an uneducated family of country singers and Native Americans. He taught himself to read by studying a book of knock-knock jokes he found at a cattle auction (thus, his highly refined sense of bourgeois humor). For the last seven years he has been toiling faithfully as "the coolest kid you haven't met yet." He retired from that position the minute you read this. Kent counts Jared Fogle (the guy from the Subway commercials), Keith Olbermann, all the members of Nickelback, and Scar from The Lion King as personal enemies. When Kent grows up, he plans to have enough money to have all these people imprisoned for no reason whatsoever. As of this writing, Kent is acutely interested in the following: weekends, push pops, Disney sing-alongs, Lost discussion boards, widgets, Whoppers (the hamburgers, not the disgusting malt balls), Mongolian throat singers, and the early work of Billy Crystal.
  • Amber

    I can probably pull off your being a chili cook-off judge in the south. It will require me taking advantage of some favors due me, but for you…I’m willing.

  • Amber

    I can probably pull off your being a chili cook-off judge in the south. It will require me taking advantage of some favors due me, but for you…I’m willing.

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