Like most young men not currently employed as astronauts, ambulance drivers, or dinosaur hunters, I have had to revise the dreams of my boyhood. While I once lamented this abandonment of my youthful fantasies, I now realize it was a necessary process as my post-9/11 worldview expanded to encompass ideas greater than cars with sirens. I have been told by Barack Obama and innumerable pop-punk songwriters that dreams are the nectar of life, and have therefore endeavored to replace my dreams of careers featuring burning buildings, heavy-automatic machine guns, and mobs of catatonic disciples with more practical, attainable pursuits. It is with this mind – as a 23 year-old college graduate – that I find myself dreaming new dreams.
-I dream of the day when 95% of my meals are not some form of pasta.
-I also hope to see the day when I no longer consider chopped up chunks of hot dog in my Mac and Cheese to be a luxury.
-I dream of the day when I can afford to wash my reds in a separate load from the rest of my clothes.
-One day I will have the time and desire to vacuum entire rooms rather than just a path through the center.
-One day, the “Kent Woodyard” Wikipedia entry will include the words “highly regarded boom-mic operator, competitive eater, and horse whisperer.”
-If all goes as planned, that Wikipedia entry will also describe my death as follows: “was jettisoned into orbit around Jupiter where his body remains to this day.”
-I dream of the day when financial success will remove the legitimacy of the thirty-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon or twelve-pack of Newcastle debate.
-I hope one day to understand what in the hell is going on with LOST Season 5.
-One day people will pay exorbitant sums of money for the following: a book of my quotations, the desk upon which I am writing this article, photographs of me hitting a bong with college students, my Latin Grammy award, and the crust of one of my half-eaten Reuben sandwiches.
– I dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
-Before the age of 35 I will accomplish the following:
- Presenter and/or Lifetime Achievement Award recipient at The Teen Choice Awards.
- Deliver Wheaton College’s Commencement Address entirely in pig latin.
- Guest judge at Hawaiian Tropics’ Annual Swimsuit Contest.
- Judge of some chili cook-off somewhere in the south.
- Roaster at Comedy Central’s Roast of Ryan Seacrest.
-At some point in my life I will turn down an invitation to the White House.