For centuries the Catholic Church has had the market cornered on guilt, recent reports from Colorado Springs reveal that evangelicals are looking to get into the guilt business, though for different reasons.
“Sure, we make fun of Catholics. I mean, they do worship Mary and all, but no one can deny that their use of guilt as mind control revolutionized religion” said Dan Alterman, pastor of some church which members describe as “bible-based.” According to Alterman, guilt has long been used to control church-goers.
“It’s easy to throw a guilt trip at someone, and then ‘boom,’ you have your adult chaperon for your next mission trip to Guatemala.”
Catholics, Alterman says, have perfected the use of guilt, getting their followers worldwide to do crazy things like giving up chocolate during Lent or telling their deepest, darkest secrets to lonely, unmarried men.
“Statistics show that only 24% of the world’s usable guilt is being utilized as an energy source,” Alterman says, not citing any resources. “It’s time to bring guilt into the 21st century.”
(Note: This stat is a bit misleading as it leaves out the fact that TOMS Shoes is burning roughly 16% of the world’s guilt by selling shoes to help improve the lives of the people who made the Nike shoes that the TOMS customers feel guilty for buying in the first place.)
“We see it as a way of reaching out to the community, and the rest of the world, and saying, ‘Jesus loves the WHOLE WORLD, even the hippy, environmental part of it,’” Alterman explained.
Many members, including Alterman himself, are doing their best to raise awareness about the new fuel which will purportedly fuel everything from cars to toasters to the factories that produce the Prius that Alterman drives to church.
Alterman’s own son Josh had the idea – some might call it a divine revelation – while observing the exhaling breaths of people at concessions stands at the moment that they are asked if they want cheese with their soft pretzel. “There’s a lot of guilt tied up in getting a pretzel AND the processed cheese sauce” says the 17 year-old who works at the AMC over on Roy Road. This was the initial breakthrough that lead Alterman to begin harvesting “guilt sighs” during his famous sermon series Sad-Looking Minority Children and Starving Puppies.
But after harvesting all of that guilt, how will it be used as fuel? Alterman has the answer: “We’re doing our best to be ecumenical, so we’re working with General Motors’ Smart Energy People [Editor: "Engineers"] to develop a new engine powered entirely by guilt.” The questions of whether or not the technology to efficiently turn guilt into energy is possible or whether or not Alterman knows that he incorrectly used the word “ecumenical” have yet to be answered.
A GM prototype sketch featuring the theoretical "Guilt-Eating Rabbit Engine"
Stay with TTM for further developments.
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