So you’re a guy that wants to be a new member of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, the home of Mark “The Muscles” Driscoll? We’ve got a few questions for you before we get to our theological assessment. These questions have been written by our very own Mark “The Monster” Driscoll, so answer carefully or he’ll yell something theological at you.
1. How often do you watch UFC?
B. Always and with beers.
C. All of the above.
D. What’s UFC? I’m gay.
2. How often do you play video games?
A. Only with one of my multitude of children. I’ve lost count of them.
B. All the time. I’m a loser.
C. Sometimes. I’m a half loser.
D. What’s UFC? I’m gay.
3. How often do you fist fight?
A. Sometimes, but now that I’ve found Jesus I’m trying to stop.
B. Never anymore, but I used to fight people all the time. That was my sordidly badass past, which I talk about often in order to witness to others.
C. Only when dudes fail this test. Just kidding… Or am I?
D. I punch like a girl and am gay.
4. What do you think of having a family?
A. I am married and am actively producing offspring.
B. I am unmarried, but look forward to being a father like Mark, and especially look forward to the process of making children which I will talk about frequently in Church because that shouldn’t make you uncomfortable.
C. I am too busy trying not to fist fight to have children, but I will one day because having lots of children is a divine mandate.
D. I do not want children. I play lots of video games and am gay.
5. What are women good for?
A. Bringing me non-light (i.e. non-wimpy) beer as I watch UFC.
B. Incubating children for our large family.
C. I’m not sure.
D. Women are an important part of the Church because they contribute to Church development through theological interpretation and Church leadership. I am a gay heretic.
SCORING (DON’T LOOK HERE UNTIL YOU’RE DONE. GOD IS WATCHING)
A = 5 points.
B = 4 points.
C = 3 points.
D = 0 points.
20-25 points = Welcome to Mars Hill! Head to the information table to find out how to join an Arm Wrestling Small Group!
15-19 = Not our first pick, but welcome to Mars Hill anyway. Brush up on your micro-brews and you should fit in fine.
9-14 = Hmmm. Well. I mean, I guess we’ve got some room. Why don’t you come by the Men’s Automobile Repair and Violence retreat, and we’ll see where it goes from there. Sound fair?
0-9 = You’re either a woman who took this test on accident or you’re gay. Either way, we have a retreat to cure you.
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