Flexing Nuts: Who are these “haters” rappers are always yelling at?
As a fairly uncool, suburban white boy with only the required minimum of minority friends, I am at times awe-struck and at times terrified of the shameless cultural whore that is hip-hop “music.” The ballers, the shot-callers, the grills, the Benjamins, the dudes...
Adventures In Anglicanism
This upcoming month will mark the fourth anniversary of my tumultuous entrenchment in the ecumenical costume party known as the Anglican Church. Our relationship has been a bit quarrelsome at times, but it seems we have finally settled into a state of amicable...
A primer for the physically inclined, Biblically obedient Christian
Since most Christian young people are still Biblically forbidden from having sex, we are often forced to be satisfied by the next best thing, i.e. talking about it incessantly. Endless conversations swirl around titillating issues like: how awesome it will be, how...
Lies before goodbyes: The BS excuses people give for why they have to hang up the phone
Have you ever noticed how people talking on the phone always feel the need to make up some BS reason about why they have to hang up? I first picked up on this several months ago and have since realized – through extensive observation and research – that it is a...
If I wrote an article but no one was there to read it, would it still be incredibly witty, and insightful?
We are all well acquainted with the age old query regarding the sound displacement of the proverbial felled tree in the forest that is lacking in witnesses. While Kant and the lumberjacks could doubtless talk for days about the empirical and epistemological...
Death by Remote Control: A Word on the Stupefying Laziness of the Single, Adult Male
After making a three year incursion into the third decade, I can state unequivocally that being a single male between the age of 18 and 30 is one of the most catastrophically unhealthy decisions a person can make. Now please, don’t assume I’m talking about the usual...
Please, if there is a merciful bone anywhere in your body, just split the check for us
Of all the awful, unforgivable things a waiter can say to me (i.e. “Unfortunately, we’re all out of meatloaf.” “We don’t have Dr. Pepper, is Mr. Pibb okay?” “We don’t serve your kind.”) unquestionably the most abhorrent is some rendition of the following: “I’m sorry,...
Congregational cage-fighting: A word on public prayer
Since the first century, the institute of communal prayer has been a foundational practice of Christendom. Ecumenical leaders have long relied on public prayer to encourage the body, explicate Biblical truth, and unite the church beneath a common language. Those of us...
Since when do I have to tip the chick in the DQ window?
I got beef with Starbucks. I love their drinks. I love their scones. I love their comfy seats, and softly lit decor. But that pretentious purveyor of music mixes and mochas has started an epidemic that is spreading through the food and beverage service industry of our...
Unwanted fetus escapes from mother’s womb
A tiny, hominid-like creature became a national icon this past week after fleeing the uterine prison of its unloving mother. The yet-to-be-named human fetus apparently escaped between two and three a.m. Thursday morning, and has been in hiding ever since. The...
The Jonas Brothers and their campaign to destroy all that is beautiful
As many of you know, for the past several months I have been in the employ of that ubiquitous red and khaki monstrosity known to the world as Target (cue the jokes about stocking shelves and/or comments about how much you love shopping there). As you might expect,...
Concert Review: Taylor Swift[ly] ruins a perfectly good Sunday
Last evening, at the behest of this organization, and with a chorus of vociferous protests, I sacrificed an evening on the couch to attend a Taylor Swift show. We are striving to engage with our culture and what is American culture if not teenagers with guitars?...