By: Dave McCloskey
Nickelback kicked off its North American tour in front of a capacity crowd at the Staples Center in Los Angeles on Friday night, its first of three shows in southern California. However, what should have been a classic, mind-bending rock performance in the typical Nickelback style is being heralded by many as a total flop. The reason? Lead singer Chad Kroeger.
“I show up ready to grind on my girlfriend to some kickin Canadian rock n’ roll, and that jag Chad Kroeger tees off and kills a classic Nickelback song,” reported Dane Strump of Riverside, “That guy gives Nickelback a bad name.”
Sources report that Kroeger went on to ruin at least 25 more amazing songs during the show, including “How You Remind Me,” “If Today Was Your Last Day,” and “Photograph.”
“I’ve got my cell phone in the air, my eyes are closed, and I’m rocking out to “Rockstar” by the greatest band of all time, and then all of a sudden, this raspy voice starts bellowing and I’m like, dammit, this song is completely toasted,” noted Ben Howell, a police investigator.
Kroeger (front and center) ruins another Nickelback publicity photo.
Eyewitnesses agree that Kroeger’s antics became particularly onerous during a rendition of “Savin’ Me,” a heartfelt ballad of loss and love. “I just kept waiting for [guitarist Ryan] Peake to hit his solo about halfway through the song. He started to jam and then Kroeger busts in and starts humping the mic and running his hands through his Mr. Tumnus goatee. What a gooch,” said Strumph.
“That guy’s been dragging the band down since the late 90s,” stated Rolling Stone columnist Yolo Ty, who also attended the concert. “I went to the merch booth after the show and was disappointed to see that Kroeger ruined all the shirts as well by putting his face all over the front.”
Other fans noted his incessant singing during an otherwise awesome performance by Nickelback. “He just sang the whole time, he didn’t shut up for more than one minute during the whole concert,” complined Haley Olson, a dental hygienist. “I just kept thinking that he would be done, but he never was. I kept screaming ‘I didn’t pay for this’ but he just continued singing.”
Eyewitnesses report that fans left the Staples Center commenting that Kroeger had once again managed to intrude on what otherwise would have been a fantastic show from a band that can throw together a mean rock tune. “I hope that in the future Chad can restrain himself from yelling and gesticulating wildly at the crowd while the rest of the band plays their kickass songs,” mumbled Howell, “Kroeger just keeps ruining everything for this awesome group.”
David “Flava Dave” McCloskey is a stage actor and philanthropist who lives and works in Washington D.C. He has read everything Nicholas Sparks has ever written and has visited Mt. Rushmore 18 times.
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