Pet Peeves for the Common Man: I Hate Your Fat Children

I started a similar “article” when I was a junior or senior in high school, I think for some kind of bootlegged school newspaper or something. Back then, though, I was afraid that the subject matter – that of hating obese children – would be offensive to people, so I never finished it or submitted it. Unfortunately I am unable to track the original down now.

Luckily for you guys, though, I still hate fat children but, unlike before, I no longer worry about offending anyone. Hurray!

You’ve seen fat children before. I don’t mean fat 15 year olds. I don’t even mean fat 12 year olds. I mean fat 6 year olds. Porky little fatsos, gobbling down chocolate bars and Puffy Cheetos so quickly you’d think it was a contest to get some Miley Cyrus 3D tickets. It’s not a contest though, they’re just eating. They’re probably not even hungry. Just munching on some grub just, ya know, because.

Now before I freak the hell out all up in your face, I’m going to stop a stupid argument in its tracks. This isn’t about world hunger. I’m not pissed that little Robby is scarfing down that Snickers because we could airmail it to some hungry kid in Zimbabwe that hangs out with bearded white dudes that guilt you into sending just $15 a month. No, that’s a stupid thing to think or say. That Snickers bar isn’t going to destroy world hunger as long as we keep it out of the mouths of wasteful fatasses. I get that, you get that, we get that. It’s logic. Besides, what kind of idiots would we be if we were mailing candy to starving people? That would be pretty counterproductive. By “we” I of course mean Americans. We don’t do that, do we? We probably do. Dammit.

No, my lovely friends, this is about irresponsible parenting. Now before you fat people start getting all huffy and puffy (like you get when you just ran 10 yards) about “big bones” and “the fat gene,” let me just go ahead and recognize that not all people are born skinny and then eat their way into fatness. Some people really do just get real fat because… well… they just do. I’m sorry to those people, you’re not necessarily who I’m talking about. I’m talking about the people who are lazy, non-exercizing, crap-eating slobs who – either directly or just by example – turn their kids into little fat-chunk monstrosities.

rawr blahhhrrggg mmmggarrrr (other sloppy eating sounds)

I guess you could say that I don’t hate the children, but rather their parents. But honestly, how catchy of a title is that? “I Hate the Parents of Fat Children”? No way. I FoxNewsed that bad boy up and made it sensational, and that’s why you’re reading.

I don’t have any kids myself (unless you count that one I bought on Ebay from Thailand that totally never got shipped to me, ThaiKidSellerz1093 you thieving bastard!) but I think I’m smart enough to recognize some basic truths about life.

1. Being overweight is unhealthy. Everybody has seen The Biggest Loser. You get diabetes, heart issues, and I’m pretty sure impotence is in there somewhere. It should be, at least.

2. Kids do what their parents/adult role models do. You ever been around a kid? You ever said “boobs” or “skank” or “just kidding now that she’s closer she’s ugly” around a kid? It’s like having one of those Talkboy Tape Recorders, isn’t it? Or an annoying ass parrot like the one my neighbor has? Either way, kids learn from their parents. If you eat like crap and weigh as much as a SmartCar, they’re going to follow your lead.

3. Be lazy or be a parent, but not a lazy parent. I’ve watched people raise kids. The lazy ones do whatever they want and never say no to their giant offspring, giving them every video game console and Willy Wonka product they incessantly scream for in the aisles at WalMart. The good parents, though, are tired and worn out all the time. Why? Because they expend all their energy disciplining their children and not letting them eat Haggen Daas for dinner. I’m cool with you being a lazy fatass – that’s why we elected Obama, so that society could fund your lifestyle – I’m just not cool with you damning your child to a life of health and self esteem problems.

So parents of fat kids, get your act together. Love your children enough to protect them from the suffering you’ve already experienced. Things like not seeing your feet for the last ten years, breaking furniture by leaning on it, or needing an electric scooter to shop at Target – these are the kinds of humiliations you can save your child simply by giving a damn about them. Don’t let them eat crappy food. Make them go outside and ride a bicycle instead of playing Grand Theft Auto. Buy a giant, angry doberman to rabidly chase them around your backyard. There are plenty of wonderful ways you can help your children not be fat. People like me are really tired of being pissed about it.

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