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Where would Jesus shop?

Pet Peeves for the Common Man: Organic Foods

Do you shop at Whole Foods? Do you have a friend that shops at Whole Foods? If you do, they likely make sure that you know that they shop at Whole Foods. Also, they are likely not paying with their welfare check, as prices for organics over non-organics are generally 10-40% higher than “conventionally” grown foods. As with most hip trends, I kind of hate the whole “organic” thing. It’s elitist, it’s snoody, and it is price-exclusive. “Oh, you don’t eat organic… Hmmm” says the Whole Foods shopper as they begin to see you as a low-life, cancer-ridden sack of digested pesticide residues. You can practically hear the liquidy slosh of their eyes as they roll a full 360 degrees. They tout organics as more healthy, but they are so much more expensive that the poor will never have access to them. So keep the rich healthy, and damn the poor to eating those awful pesticides and ALDI hotdogs that are murdering babies and puppies every single day. Also they’re ruining small farmers and local economies. And your dreams. Those are dead too.

Where would Jesus shop?

Where would Jesus shop?

Here’s the problem I have with this whole “organic” movement: most of it is a total crock. Is it more nutritious? Depends on who you’re asking. If you ask the organic organizations, they’ll say “hell yes, buy organic or die,” and then they’ll hand you a pitchfork and a torch and point you in the direction of the dark castle, lightning stricken castle where they produce non-organic foods. If you ask unbiased researchers such as the Brits who recently published a study in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, they’ll say “there is no evidence of a difference” between organics and non-organics when it comes to nutrients. Unlike your American Spirit cigarettes, which are like, totally more health-green-eco-peace-socio-orphan-conscious than Camels. Except they’re owned by RJ Reynolds who – damn! – owns Camel.

On top of that, Whole Foods douchers always tout the “local farmer” bit as their reason for buying organic, as if by going to an international supermarket chain to buy “local” they are somehow succeeding at screwing “the man.” Falso again, Bon Iver fan. There are a lot of small organic farmers, but they make up a very small percentage of the organic food that is actually produced. Most organic brands are owned by the same massive companies that produce all the other non-street-cred food that you can buy at less chic grocers like Jewel or H.E.B. Don’t worry, you can still cling to your Wes Anderson films if you no longer have “local farmer” brownie points to look down on people with.

Then we have my favorite: the “man-made chemicals” argument. “I just don’t want to be eating food that’s got all those man-made chemicals in there. You know, all those pesticides and chemically things that hurt you.” This is, unfortunately, just a bunch of rhetorical manipulation.

First of all, the phrase “man-made chemicals” is total crap. You know what else is a man-made chemical? You may have heard of doctors refer to it before. It’s called medicine. Unless you’re a hippy-herb lover, you use man-made chemicals to kick the hell out of your cold, flu, or impotence whenever you see fit.

Second of all, although studies have found that organics have less pesticide residues than non-organics, they’ve also found that those residues can be removed by washing the products before you use them. You should do that anyway, idiots! Everybody picks up the fruit and vegetables and examines them before they purchase them. You see that hairy, sweaty looking dude over by the apples? The one that is coughing into his hands and wiping his nose with his index finger? Did he just openly scratch his pubic place in a public place? He sure did. Yeah, he’s fondling every single Granny Smith in that pile before he buys one. Forget about pesticides. Do you want that on your produce? On top of that, the National Research Council has said that the amounts of pesticides found on foods is negligible and is not a cancer risk.

But those Whole Foodsers will be damned before they ingest any other chemicals made with Dr. Frankenstein-style alchemy. The lightening. The crazy hair. The maniacal laughter. According to organic enthusiasts, conventional farming uses the same processes to farm as he did to create a monster. Also, have you heard of the F.D.A.? It’s this little government organization that exists solely to make sure that the stuff that businesses sell to us won’t kill us. Does anyone really think that the F.D.A. would sit by and chillax while “conventional” farming methods were force feeding us carcinogens? Give me a break. The government loves crap like that, especially because it means that the government gets cash money in the form of massive fines. Watch the news for five minutes. The government loves taking and spending money more than even the shallowest of trophy suburban wives. The only defense any organic types have against that argument is some sort of conspiracy theory involving government employyes getting pay-offs from big businesses… Which happen to be the same businesses that sell organic foods that you find in national chain supermarkets.

Finally, the argument is always raised about “getting back to our roots” of local, natural farming. I understand that and I’m a proponent of local businesses, but this argument is also a load of crap. As mentioned before, the organic industry is just that – an industry. It’s massive and it is not encouraging local business growth. In addition, the life expectancy of people in the United States has increased over the past 50 years, not decreased. You’d think that if we were ingesting all of these awful, Satanic pesticides, that number would have gone down. Guess what? Those pesticides are used to kill things that hurt us. You know, like fungus and E. Coli.

Really, the “organic” movement is just another marketing ploy that is manipulating people into handing more money to factory farms. It utilizes the same fear-mongering tactics that are used to coerce people into doing all kinds of stupid things. The benefits – if they actually exist – are nil. What we should all focus on is eating a balanced, healthy diet instead of checking every label to make sure that we won’t feel shame when our thick-rimmed glasses touting, skinny-jeans wearing hipster friends come over for dinner. For that, our government actually has a useful tool (for once) that can help you organize a proper diet.

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