PRESS RELEASE: THE TALKING MIRROR ENDORSES RICK SANTORUM

EDITORIAL FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Kent Woodyard and myself, Conor McCarthy, the imminent humor writers and cultural commentators at TheTalkingMirror.com (TTM™), have chosen to step out of our silence and pledge our votes for Rick Santorum for the Republican Primary.

Allow me to explain.

You may recall that, following our 2008 endorsement of Mitt Romney in the Republican primaries, Romney’s poll numbers plummeted. He was eventually defeated, with the nomination going to John McCain. An association with TTM is now widely considered the kiss of death in the political world, with Kent and me now being regarded as campaign coffin builders.

That was our bad on that one. Ol’ Mittens begged us not to endorse him but we thought it was because his Mormon proclivities required him to show mercy to his enemies. Turns out, an endorsement from us is like farting at a funeral. It’s a bad thing, socially, I mean. I wish we could take credit for McCain’s loss too, but that was all on Palin. We told McCain he needed to “sex up his campaign a bit” because boobs win votes, but he took that way too seriously. We never intended for him to give his eye candy a microphone. Kind of our fault in a way, I guess.

Since the last election, Kent and I have had time to reflect on the impact we made almost four years ago. We’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it and talking about it – between discussions about which True Blood character is gayer. We were pretty confused at the time, sort of like how I always feel when a girl doesn’t slap me when I talk to her at a bar. Kind of a stunned, dazed feeling. Like I wonder if she’s a hooker, you know?

Well, we get it now. Santorum is our guy. He’s the best.

Santorum is the most reasonable dude out there. Electable, home-schooled, not at all a total fundamentalist asshole. It’s not like the surge that led him to a win in Iowa was a total fluke. It’s not like Iowa is honestly the least important state in the union and the last damn place we should be looking for political guidance as a country. It’s not like those things at all.

All the clothes I wear have “Santorum 2012” printed on them somewhere, and that will continue well into 2013. This includes my boxers, briefs, and banana hammocks. I invite you to envision that as creatively as possible.

TTM wholeheartedly throws its considerable girth behind Rick Sanatorium. Every time he speaks I just want to chest-bump Jesus, know what I mean? Kent and I both agree that every time Santorum speaks the angel Gabriel curb-stomps a Las Vegas resident and high fives Tim Tebow.

With the exception of Dawson’s Creek trivia, we don’t know much of anything about anything, but we do know this country absolutely doesn’t need a level-headed moderate that is fluent in Mandarin like Jon Huntsman. Screw that guy. Good thing he dropped out. He’s a crazy Mormon like Obamney, all they want is to level up so they get their own planet to rule over.

Newt Gingrich’s head is bigger than a regulation basketball. How on earth could we elect a leader of the free whose bobble-head figurines could be built to scale? We can’t have that. We’d get less respect than if a woman was the president.

And before you evangelicals ask, yes, we’ve prayed about it and stuff. And yes, we’re sober. Santorum is the man for the job. Not Ron Paul, with all his notions of freedom and the constitution and whatever. He uses words I don’t even know and makes cogent, unemotional arguments, and that scares me. Also, he’s old.

Santorum speaks our language. Faith, Family, and Freedom. Know what we say to that, here at TTM?

Santorum 2012. Yes, we f***ing can.

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