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Review: Wendy’s is the best food I have ever tasted and I never want to eat anywhere else

By Will Grazer – TTM Food Critic

Dude, drive faster, drive faster! There it is! Don’t miss the turn!!

OH YEAH!!!!!!! I FREAKING LOVE WEDNESDAYS!!!

Right. Wendy’s. What’d I say?

Oh.

Well, all I’m sayin is…Wait…wait…hold on a sec, I wanna, I wanna say something……wait…is this…….is this Taco Bell? Oh. I thought someone said chalupa. Did someone say chalupa?

Whatever. Pull forward idiot, I’m gonna order. Geez, why do they make the dollar menu so blurry? HELLO!!!!! Oh, sorry I thought you wasn’t there. Ok. Are you ready? HELLO!!!! Sorry. Shut up dude, I’m not drunk. He’s kidding, Miss Wendy, I’m really not drunk. Really.

Ok…ok, can I have four junior baco-cheeseses, a six piece nuglet, uhhhhhh frostie, and…uhhhhhhhhhh…that’s it. NO! WAIT! Wait, wait…Wendy…are you, are you still there? Ok. Also a double stack with no pickles. And then whatever else these homos want.

Dah, dah, dee, dah…Oh dude, turn it up! This is my song!! You’re hot and your cold, you’re yes and you’re no, you’re in then you’re out you’re up and you’re….Shut up dude, you know you love it!

Finally!You heard the speakerbox, pull to the freaking window dude! Hurry!My stomach is eating itself!!Junior-baco-chee! JBC, JBC, JBC!!  What? I already told you I don’t have any cash.WHAT DO YOU MEAN?I GOT YOU LAST TIME, HOOKER!!YOU DON’T REMEMBER CAUSE YER ALWAYS DRUNK!!WHAT ABOUT ALL MY DORITOS YOU ATE LAST WEEK?

Dude, back me up Aaron! WHAT?!? Well screw you too. Just cause you’re drunking, don’t think I won’t kick your ass right here.

What?  Drunking?  I don’t get it.  I said driving.

JBC!!!!!!!!Thank you Wendy!Dude, why is my window locked?Roll it down man, I wanna spank – hahaha, I mean thank – Wendy.

How do you know that’s not her name? I’MA NOT DRUNK!

Ok, maybe a little.

Just give me my food!Pass it back, man! Get it in my mouth!!Aaarghumph-numnumnumnum.Oh sweet mother of Manny, this is the best thing I have ever tasted!I think I can taste every separate flavor.I bet this has twice the flavors of Dr. Pepper.I should’ve gotten eight!Can we go back through?WHY NOT?!Oh yeah, like we got somewhere else to be!Whatever.

Numnumnumn.Thank you Lord for chicken nuggets and bacon, and Dave Thomas.Oh, Dave Thomas, how do you make it taste so good? Why do we ever eat anywhere besides here?

Shut up, Aaron!I know there’s lettuce on my shirt you jerk-hole.I put it there.Duuhhderrrderr, oh yeah, let’s all make fun of the drunk guy while he tries to eat in peace!Keep laughing jack-tards.Just remember, I still haven’t decided whose bed I’m gonna wet tonight.

BUUUURRRPP! Gooo. The JBCs are going head to head with thirteen PBRs down in my tum-tum right now. Oh NOW you roll down my window. No, I’m not gonna hold my head outside! Cause its cold! Too late, dick, I already ate it all! Oh wait, here’s a French fry I dropped on the seat. Weird, I don’t even remember ordering fries. Numnumnum. Oops…uh, I think…yup…that was a cigarette.

That might do it.

Bwaaaaaaaaaahh! Huwaaahhharggaaghghgrgah!

My bad dude.

Dude!Ow!STOP HITTING ME MAN!I ALREADY SAID I WAS SORRY!WHAT WAS A CIGARETTE DOING ON YOUR SEAT ANYWAY?!

Really? Oh yeah. Behind my ear, that’s right. FINE! I’LL CLEAN IT UP!

Who’s shirt is this? WELL, WHAT ELSE DO YOU EXPECT ME TO USE?!

This is disgusting. At least I can still taste the beer though. That’s nice. You call this a waste? It was the most delicious food to ever go in my mouth, and now it’s all over your seats. What more could I ask for? Totally worth it, dude. Best choice I made all night, hands down. Seriously, I haven’t felt this good since your mom…Wait! OH SHOOT! OH CRAP! We’ve got to go back! Dude, we’ve GOT to go back!

Wendy never gave me my frostie.

Note: The above article is a work of fiction, published for its humorous quality.  While it draws inspiration from many  (MANY) real events, it should not be assumed that it is a reference to either Conor’s life or my own.  If you think any of your friends might be the inspiration for the main character depicted in this scene, it is probably just a coincidence (unless your friend’s name is James, Stephen, Will, Scott, or Josh in which case you are entirely correct).

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