Hey everybody, Satan here. Don’t freak out. Reading this won’t make you go to hell or give you leprosy. Probably just a minor case of mouth herpes. Haha! Just kidding, should’ve seen your face. Anyway, I’m writing this article to clear my name of a few things. Nope, not talking about that time Billy Bentsen pantsed you in gym in 7th grade and everyone saw your equipment. That was all me. I possessed that kid, and it was hilarious. No, I’m writing to finally set the record straight about Halloween. It’s not my favorite holiday. I don’t even like it. It’s so tasteless, the kids with their scary masks going around pretending to be Dracula, annoying people for candy. One year, one of the demons put on one of those Scream masks and scared the hell out of me. (Irony intended!)
“Not funny, Randall” I said to him, and then I banished him to the Lake of Fire.
And you know what? It’s not my birthday either. I think FoxNews started that rumor. My birthday is June 22nd, so stop saying that Halloween celebrates me. It’s not glorifying me, it’s not “evil,” and I don’t even endorse it. I’m not into zombies and vampires and all of that crap. You think I’m that boring or that obvious? Give me a break. If I was going to walk down the street, I guarantee you I’d choose to look more like Angelina Jolie (schwing!) than some of these “devil” masks you idiots wear.
I’ll tell you which holiday does really glorify some evil behavior: Valentine’s Day. That’s my favorite holiday. People spend the whole day lying, manipulating, and judging each other, all in the name of “love.” It’s perfect! Sure, there are like five or six couples that are actually sincere, but they’re outweighed by the millions of couples that “celebrate romance” with insecurity, disappointment, and dishonesty. Also – I don’t like rock music either. People think they can go around on Halloween, dressed up like a dead person while listening to Twisted Sister and then they’re suddenly “evil,” playing on my team. Not true. When I really want to jam to something particularly Satanic, I put on one of my true followers like Jack Johnson, Fergie, or Miley Cyrus.
Anyway, that’s all for now. Please don’t associate me with Halloween anymore. Gotta go – The Office is on and I’m addicted to it. It’s just so random!
Happy Valentine’s Day,