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Satan: I Love Bacon

Hey guys. Good ‘ol Satan here, just broing out having a sandwich. Wanna know what I love? Besides hatred, discontent, divisiveness, the Yankees, and everything Michael Jackson has ever done (musical and otherwise), I love bacon. It’s crispy, it’s tasty, it goes with almost everything, and now it creates mass global hysteria, which is one of my favoritest things ever. Anyone got a pig? Could you hug it for me? Maybe give it a little smooch? Thanks. Now you have Swine Flu! Sucker.

Really though, I am a big fan of pork as a food. The fact that God called it “unclean” naturally made it pretty awesome in my book. What can I say? I’m a rebel without a cause, always have been. Right now my cause is swine. I figured, if people are going to go around calling pigs “unclean” for jumping around in mud and crap, they’re going to have to deal with the consequences of insulting one of my friends. Guess what the consequences are? H1N1, bitches.

The best thing about it is that you can’t even get mad at me for it. It’s not any worse than the regular flu. Hell, it’s already treatable. You have the treatment. Go to your local Walgreen’s. They have the working treatment for this global epidemic. Can someone say melodramatic? Gosh. It’s not like I’m turning the whole world into zombies. I could do that. Watch your mouth next time you’re singing “This Little Light of Mine.” You want me to sit on a tack, huh? Well guess what? What if I want you to be undead and have a huge craving for brains? Yeah. Think about that.

I didn’t even realize that people would freak out as much as they have. I just figured I’d throw in a new variety of the flu, get a few people sick using one of my favorite animals, and then poof it’d be over. No new symptoms. Same old nausea, butt vomit, fever, etc. Yeah. I said butt vomit. Diarrhea is such a gross word, I hate it. It’s one of those words that somehow just sounds like what it is, and it makes my skin crawl. Can’t handle it. Anybody that says it here in hell has to put a dollar in the bad word jar. For some reason Caligula has put like $500 in there, I don’t even understand that. Anyway, this flu wasn’t supposed to be small pox. Just a little fun for me, that’s it. Then before I knew it, the whole entire world was having a conniption. People are wearing SARS masks! It’s fabulous! You’d thing I had released Airborne Swine Herpes. That exists. I’m serious, it’s in the 6th circle. Real nasty stuff. Swine flu isn’t even in the circles of hell. I’m not even sure it’s in purgatory.

Thankfully the media is around to overfocus on everything I do, adding so much more negativity to what would have been a minor issue. I need to send CNN and FoxNews a fruit basket or something. Pandemic schmandemic. You think this is a global crisis? Wait until next year. Two words. “Chumbawumba” and “comeback.” That’s all I’m going to say. Try not to have nightmares.

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