Hey guys. The devil here. Just got done smoking some Camels with Tom Cruise and L. Ron Hubbard.
We were talking, and Tom said something that really resonated with me: “You know the world is going to hell in a handbasket when companies are begging the government for money left and right. Trust me, I know a lot about hell and handbaskets. And insane cults.” I heard that and I was all like, “yeah, you really do know a lot about those things.” And then Tom started foaming at the mouth, so we had to put him down.
That led me to a question: how come nobody has bothered asking me for a hand? Hello! My resources are… How should I say… Unlimited? So what if they were acquired in “dishonest ways” with “weeping and gnashing of teeth.” It’s not like the government is any better. Can I get an “amen?” Just kidding.
Anyway, if those GM CEO’s would just hop on their private jets and roll on out here to the 90210 where I live, I’d gladly give them a boost (don’t act surprised, you always knew I lived here). Inefficiency? Low quality? Blatant disregard for environmental issues? Zero new ideas in the past two decades? What more could a devil ask for in a car company? These are just the kinds of guys I want on my payroll. Besides, I need a new project. I’m getting bored running OPEC.
And no, I wouldn’t want them to give me their souls in return. Normally I would, but these guys ponied those up years ago. You don’t want to know what for, but I’ll just tell you that the Chrysler guy was a really big fan of the Dukes of Hazzard. Any more details and things would get weird. No, I’m looking for something more unique for payment this time around. I know what you’re thinking; “What do you give the guy that already has your very soul?” That’s a good question. Usually when someone comes back to make a deal after paying with their soul I ask for their firstborn son or I laugh really evil-like and challenge them to a fiddling duel. It’s time for a change, though. This time the payment is going to be a little hell on Earth. Don’t worry, I’ve come up with quite a few different options for you to choose from.
1.) Vote Hilton-Lohan 2012
2.) High School Musical 4, 5, 6, 7, 8…
3.) Larry the Cable Guy writes all comedy for the next 10 years
4.) Braveheart, Miracle on 34th Street, and LOTR will be refilmed with Nicolas Cage playing every part
5.) All soft drinks will be replaced with Fresca and all beers replaced with Natural Ice
6.) Carson Daly will host every show on TV.
7.) Radio plays only Limp Bizkit, Yoko Ono, and The Jonas Brothers
8.) Mustaches will be “in”
9.) Michael Moore will talk and you will have to listen.
10.)Oreos will now be stuffed with either mayonnaise or bleu cheese.
So there you have it. Take your pick and I’ll moisten up that dry credit market like Jergen’s on eczema.
Until we meet again (that blind date you’re going on next week),
I asked our frequent guest writer Zac Chastain for some ideas to add to the list… This is what he came up with:
1.) Crying babies on every airplane, and alcohol does not exist.
2.) New Jersey sorority chick who says “random!” attends every party, and alcohol does not exist.
3.) WNBA becomes only televised sport, and alcohol does not exist.
4.) Elderly people who go on rants cannot be stopped by saying “I really have to go” or more firmly “Mrs. Ketchum, I’m late” and are allowed to monologue ad infinitum– and alcohol does not exist.
5.) Rosie O’Donnell continues to exist, and alcohol does not exist.
After all, as Benjamin Franklin wisely said: “Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
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