Typically, I try to avoid writing the same article over and over again. It’s boring, it’s uncreative, and it shows just how lazy and unoriginal I really am. I spend every single day trying to convince everyone that I’m a hilarious comedic genius. Writing the same “News in Review” article every week just sets that whole facade right on fire. But you know what ladies and gentlemen? These two news pieces were just too good for me to leave untouched. They’re both from FoxNews.com, which you can either applaud or decry depending on your specific political leanings and whether or not you’re afraid of Ann Coulter. The first article pretty clearly wouldn’t come from any other news agency but FoxNews, but the second (and the infinitely more awesome) could have easily come from CNN or MSNBC. It just didn’t. So, liberals, put on your hazmat suits and click the damn links. You’ll survive.
This article discusses different conservative people in Hollywood, including Kelsey Grammer (which is predictable I guess… Frasier? Come on.) and Dennis F’ing Hopper. There aren’t a bunch of trendy hotties like Lindsey Lohan or Justin Timberlake, but apparently Robert Downey Jr. is “rumored” to be a “closet Republican.” We can hold on to that. It’s just encouraging to see something like this coming out of Hollywood, not because I’m a raging Focus-on-the-Family conservative, but rather because I’m tired of hearing the same crap from Hollywood over and over again. They piss and moan about “intolerant” conservatives who have morals that differ from their perpetually gray relativism – which is to say, any morals at all – and all the while commit the very sins they condemn. Having more than one voice would be a nice change.
Yes, my friends, Jennifer Love Hewitt has called off her engagement with some Scottish guy. This article notes that both her and this dude are pretty sad about the whole thing. She’s probably all sad that she wasted so much time on some dude that is obviously not right for her. How is it obvious, you ask? Easy. That dude isn’t me. That’s all water under the ole’ bridge now, babe. It’s time for you to make the decision that you should have made years ago. You’ve been running from the truth, but I think someone needs to rewatch Can’t Hardly Wait. You can’t fight fate, Jen. It’s time for you face the true, beautiful love that God created between us.
When I first watched that glorious scene, my life changed. I felt a spark of butterfly fire in my heart like never before. I know you felt it too, except you probably weren’t watching a movie that I was in, since I have yet to make my big screen debut (don’t worry though, the Ugg Boots Epic will get optioned any day now). You probably felt that undeniable, atom-bomb of romance in your heart when you read one of my poetic letters that I’m sure you received and personally read, even though you never replied. You’re coy, and I like that. I might have included my yearbook picture from freshman year of high school in one or five of those letters. Maybe forget about that. I’m much better looking now.
So when you’re ready Jen, just Facebook me and we can work out the details of our elopement and your subsequent move to Chicago. And you know what? I don’t even care if you take my last name. Yeah, I know. It’s a big deal, I’m from the South. Texas actually. What’s that? You’re from Texas also? Wow. Crazy. Did you hear that sound? Such a beautiful sound. A sound we can’t ignore. Not anymore. Know what that sound was, Love?
When you’re ready, Jen. Take your time.
Avec le Plus Pur Amour,
P.S. Yeah baby, that’s French right there. You like that? I’ll Google translate everything I say into whatever language you want. What can I say? True love does some crazy things.