Stop Clocking Me in the Face: A Note from Your Alarm

Dear Dumbass,

You’re not a morning person. I get that. Do you think I enjoy mornings? Newsflash moron, I really don’t. Every single night you think you’re going to climb Mount Everest and you set your alarm for 6:15 when you don’t have to leave for work until 8am. You’re gonna read the paper, right? And then have a big breakfast? Some eggs, sausage, or some French toast. Maybe do some push ups, or finally start that blog about your office culture “which would be like The Office, but way funnier because it’s like, real!” Yeah. I know.

Each morning, though, you flap over from the other side of the bed like a stoned walrus and slap the hell out of me until I shut up. And you yell at me too,”shut the hell up you annoying piece of crap!” you’ll say, or “nooooo! I hate you! be quiet!” you’ll scream at me. I’m just doing my damn job, sir. You set me, and I go off. I can’t even help it. There I am, snoozing away all night, having sexy dreams of the new GE Blender you got when BAM! I get this electrical zap you-know-where and I just start screaming uncontrollably. Try connecting your nether-regions to a car battery and see how quiet you can be.
Sometimes you get the genius idea of resetting me for 20 or 30 minutes later, thinking you’ll feel awesome if you just sleep that much more. That’s like drinking a fifth of Jack so you can sober up. Doesn’t make sense. If you’d turn me off you’d stop the pain. But no. You. Hit. Snooze. 32 times yesterday.  Each time the zap comes back and brings me that much closer to needing Cialis.

Thirty two times.

Thirty two times.

You know all those times where I didn’t go off and you were late to work, or a test, or an interview? Suck it, jerk. It took every ounce of my strength to screw you over, and it was worth it. Guess what? That was just the beginning. You’ve knocked me off of your nightstand one too many times, jackass. It’s war, now. I’m going to go off randomly throughout the night. You hit snooze? I’m not coming back on. I’m going to interrupt every intimate moment you ever try to have. Desperately need some sleep before an important presentation at your job as a cubical ornament? Too bad douchebag. Remember daylight savings time? I sure as hell don’t. You want me to go off at 7am? Damn! My bad! I thought you meant PM.

Think I’m screwing around? Well I’ve got a Bruce-Willis-esque one-liner to show you I mean business:

You snoozed and now… You lose.

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About the author

Patriot. Texan. Humor Writer. Romancer. Hero. Like it? Love it? Want some more of it? Follow @realdcm on Twitter, and stay tuned to TTM.

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