Can I talk to you for five minutes about traffic?  Far as I can tell, traffic jams are pretty much the worst thing happening in the world.  I watch the news, I listen to podcasts, I occasionally read one of the free USA Todays at Chick-Fil-A.  I know what’s going on out there.  Nature is warming itself.  There are gunfights raging in some of the dustier parts of the globe.  There’s the whole “Africa” situation.  The world’s got problems, no doubt.  But for the life of me I can’t think of a single place on the planet less enjoyable than the eastbound 210 Freeway at 5:30pm on a Wednesday.

Okay, so maybe that’s a little extreme.  Obviously there are worse places in the world than an American freeway at rush hour.  (The back seat on a Greyhound bus comes to mind.)  Can we at least agree that traffic is the most annoying thing in the world?  And yes, I’m putting it above Wanda Sykes, rainy weekends, and middle schoolers in a movie theater.

To say traffic is one of my pet peeves would be like saying that civil liberties were one of Stalin’s pet peeves or that George W. Bush “annoyed” some political science professors.  I hate traffic.  It makes me crazy.  No matter how much I brace for it or plan my trip to account for it, I always end up losing my freaking mind.  I gesture and curse, I rant and rave, I call down fire from heaven.  I go nuts.

I don’t like feeling this way.  The occasional longwinded rant notwithstanding, I consider myself a fairly even-tempered guy.  I’m not prone to fits of rage and I don’t often ponder the ways my temperament might be improved by an automatic weapon.  Traffic makes me do these things.  But why?  Why have six short months in Los Angeles (aka The Julliard School for traffic jams of promise) transformed me from Jeffrey Lebowski into a ball of rage who is perhaps only days away from (a) some serious stomach ulcers and/or (b) pleading guilty to vehicular homicide?  I have some theories. Read the full story

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This is not the article I wanted to write.  When I set out to write a review of MTV’s controversial new reality show Jersey Shore, I had a pretty good idea of how it was going to go.  I was going to write my standard (dare I say “trademark?”), long-winded rant which would combine obscure references, big words, and level one swears to express my deep displeasure with the show’s public displays of douchebaggery.

It seemed pretty straightforward. The show is a vocal proponent of self-ascribed nicknames, the state of New Jersey, and Italian-Americans engaging in non-mob activities. I had (and have) no interest in any of those things, and was confident in my ability to heap scorn on Jersey Whore.

But that was before I watched my first episode.

Fifteen minutes into “researching” my article, a strange thing began happening to me.  It’s the same thing that happened to John Smith in Pocahontas.  And the main character in Avatar.  And Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.  I fell in love with that which I set out to destroy. Read the full story

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With so much reveling, carousing, and dri – uhh…bowl game watching going on in recent days, it’s been tough to find time to sate TTM’s insatiable hunger for fresh content.  Fortunately, my 12 year-old cousin is not old enough to dri – umm…doesn’t like football, and therefore had plenty of free time.  While on Christmas Break, Benjamin’s class was asked to write a report on a movie that he saw or a book that he read.  Like every other 5th grader this side of Pyongyang, Benjamin saw “Avatar”.  He has graciously submitted his “movie report” for publication on this site.

SPOILER ALERT: He pretty much gives away the whole movie.

BY: Benjamin Woodyard

I want to tell you guys out there about the movie Avatar. It’s so cool.  The dragons are so cool.  The floating mountains are so cool.  The main guy (I forget his name) is so cool.  I think pretty much everyone thinks it’s probably the best movie of all time.  Some people might say Harry Potter or Monsters Inc. or something else is better, but that’s probably because they saw it in a normal theater instead of in 3-D which is how I saw it.

Avatar is about this soldier who’s in a wheelchair for some reason we don’t know about.  (Probably from fighting the terrorists in Detroit.)  He goes in a space ship to another planet which is kind of like Earth except cooler because they have aliens and dragons.

When he gets to the new planet he meets this army general who talks about how everyone wants to kill the people but how the people are going to kill everyone first because the people have guns and no one else does.  I think.  It was kind of confusing.  But then the wheelchair guy meets the mean lady from Holes.  She’s a scientist or something.  She’s mean to him at first because he’s in a wheelchair.  My mom says this is called “disc-information.” Read the full story

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While everyone else in the English-speaking world is busy compiling top 10 lists to encapsulate the essence of the last decade, we here at The Talking Mirror are forging on into the future.  We’re not concerned with who had the greatest album, athletic performance, or sexiest celebrity scandal in the past 10 years, we want to know what’s going to happen next (assuming health insurance executives, terrorists, or the Mayans don’t kill us all first). It’s true, 2010 technically “hasn’t happened yet” but we’ve never been ones to let things like facts, events, or reality get in the way of a good news story and we’re not about to start now.  And so, in a TTM exclusive, we are proud to bring you 20 headlines guaranteed to be filling newspapers and Perez Hilton’s Twitter feed over the next 12 months.  You can discount them for being made-up, far-fetched and unlikely to ever happen, but, hey, that’s good enough for 70 million Obama voters so it’s more than good enough for us.  Please enjoy responsibly.

PELOSI’S BILL FOR FEDERALLY FUNDED TOILET PAPER OPTION INCLUDES FINES FOR NOT WIPING ASS

POLL SHOWS MAJORITY OF AMERICANS DON’T TRUST POLLS

TEN MILLION CHINESE TROOPS “JUST VISITING,” SAYS OBAMA

WANDA SYKES SHOW IN SECOND SEASON – AMERICANS BAFFLED

15 MORE WOMEN, 6 MEN, 3 HORSES, 4 SHEEP, AND AN END TABLE CLAIM TO HAVE HAD AFFAIR WITH TIGER WOODS

GLOBAL WARMING NOW PERVASIVE, CATASTROPHIC; CHICAGO A TROPICAL PARADISE

CATHOLIC PRIEST CLAIMS TIGER WOODS MOLESTED HIM

OBAMA OFFERS CALIFORNIA TO CHINA AS DEBT REPAYMENT, “NO THANK YOU” THEY RESPOND

AMERICA INVADES IRAN, OBAMA WINS SECOND NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

JIMMY FALLON STILL TELLING JOKES ABOUT PRESIDENT BUSH

PALIN ANNOUNCES RUN FOR PRESIDENCY IN 2012, BABY JESUS CRIES

ILLINOIS SELLS OBAMA’S SENATE SEAT TO MARK CUBAN TO COMBAT RISING BUDGETARY DEFICIT

OBAMA BECOMES FIRST BLACK PERSON TO GIVE “STATE OF THE UNION” ADDRESS

WORLD CUP MAKES AFRICA SEEM ALMOST BEARABLE

WINTER OLYMPICS A SUCCESS, NO ONE NOTICES

FURBY ARRESTED FOR PUBLIC DRUNKENNESS, SAYS, “I USED TO BE ON TOP.”

“SEXT” RAPIST GETS DEATH SENTENCE; JURY SAYS, “C YA”

ABC’S “BIGGEST LOSER: RELAPSE” CANCELLED, AMERICA LOSES HOPE

LOST’S SMOKE MONSTER REVEALED, OBAMA TO GUEST STAR

KANYE INTERRUPTS OBAMA’S NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY, SAYS “DESMOND TUTU WAS BETTER”

Thanks to Christian Gonzalez and Kent for contributing headlines to the list.

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It’s Christmas week.  Here at TTM, Christmas week means three things: (1) Conor is creeping around the Michigan Ave ice rink reeking of Pall Malls and sunflower seeds, (2) Kent’s tongue is stuck to a stop sign somewhere in Cleveland, and (3) no one’s writing anything.  Enjoy these treasures from beneath last year’s tree and have yourself a Merry Christmas.

My plan this afternoon was to write a painfully hilarious, staggeringly brilliant article that laid bare the frivolity of the Midwestern ethos through the symbolic milieu of stop sign right-of-way etiquette.  It would have been sweet, trust me.  Unfortunately for all of us, I was trying to write this post at the same Starbucks that a pair of local high schoolers had selected as the location for their breakup conversation.

I got as far as “If there’s one thing the Third World does right, it’s…” when I realized that any attempts at coherent thinking were futile.  Not wanting to waste my time or my vanilla latte, I will instead be describing for you the details of this star-crossed couple’s conversation and we shall see what universal truths we can extract from this unfolding human drama. Read the full story

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It’s Christmas week.  Here at TTM, Christmas week means three things: (1) Conor is creeping around the Michigan Ave ice rink reeking of Pall Malls and sunflower seeds, (2) Kent’s tongue is stuck to a stop sign somewhere in Cleveland, and (3) no one’s writing anything.  Enjoy these treasures from beneath last year’s tree and have yourself a Merry Christmas.

Christmas comes but once a year, now it’s here, now it’s here. Christmas comes but once a year, tra la la la la. The arrival of the holiday season brings with it that most venerable of American institutions– the mall Santa Claus. After enjoying decades of favorable public opinion, the mall Santa Claus has recently taken a severe lashing in popularity as the checkered details of the trade emerge. The Santas owe their collective misfortune in large measure to charges of degeneracy, perversion, financial scandals, a string of tragic Tim Allen films (largely associated with cash-mongering), degeneracy, and, increasingly, perversion.

But who are these oafish imposters? The Talking Mirror spoke with mall Santas across the country in an effort to uncover the lives behind the laps. In the process, we learned more than just the current state of the mall Santa Claus. We learned about the state of the economy, the nature of addiction, and maybe, just maybe, a little something about ourselves. Due to space restrictions, and the proclivity of most Santas for profane and offensive language, we have decided to print only one interview. However, one should be sufficient as each mall Santa is, at his core, identical to all the rest. Read the full story

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Can I talk to you for five minutes about corporate life?  As of this writing, I have spent sixteen consecutive months in the wasteland of the working world.  This is far longer than I initially intended, and is especially shocking when you consider how popular it is to be unemployed these days.  From what I hear, there are literally dozens of people out there who would love to have jobs but don’t.  It seems almost immoral for me to continue working every day when I am so obviously unsuited for it and so many others would love to do it for me.

What is it about work that I find so unsatisfactory?  Almost all of it.  The bad coffee.  The expectation that I wake up earlier than The Price is Right.  The pervasive sports analogies.  The existence of “workplace humor” (a.k.a. the handicapped cousin of comedy).  The requirement that I spend several hours a day thinking or talking about things unrelated to sports, movies, attractive women, or gambling.  It’s all insufferable, but there is another, even more unbearable aspect of employment that has me plotting my escape from the professional work quicker than you can say “stay at home dad.” It can be summarized in one word: accountability. Read the full story

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I have a friend who is in the process of obtaining a student visa in order to attend an a university here in Chicago. The hoops that they require you to jump through are extensive and often ludicrous, but nothing has been quite as amusing in its absurdity as the questions on a mandatory questionnaire. I’ve included some of my favorites:

Do you have a communicable disease of public health significance such as tuberculosis (TB)?

Have you ever violated, or engaged in a conspiracy to violate, any law relating to controlled substances?

Are you coming to the United States to engage in prostitution or unlawful commercialized vice or have you been engaged in prostitution or procuring prostitutes within the past 10 years?

Do you seek to engage in espionage, sabotage, export control violations, or any other illegal activity while in the United States?
Read the full story

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Being a member of a youth group at Church will teach you a lot of things. You may (hopefully) learn about the Christian faith. You may learn about friendship, romance, or conflict resolution. Maybe you’ll even witness for the first time that yes, farts can indeed be ignited into flames (and it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen).

What you’ll definitely witness and likely take part in, however, is the time-honored practice of the Christian Knock-Off. You see, we Christians don’t like to be original. We’re rip-off Jews, what are we supposed to do?

We take what the “secular” world produces, and we say “Hey, that’s super rad! But since it’s secular it’s probably going to hell along with everyone at MSNBC and Stephanie Meyer. We should make our own version of it so that we can make sure it goes to heaven too!” From music to movies to t-shirts, if you make it, we’ll take it, throw it in the washer a bunch of times so it shrinks and fades, draw a cross on it with a Sharpie, and sell it at LifeWay. Read the full story

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This article was published this week by our partners in parody over at The Big Jewel.  If you haven’t been to The Big Jewel yet, this blurb will tell you everything you need to know:

“It’s about time there’s a Web portal aimed at large Hasidim like myself. I applaud the launch of TheBigJew.com, and hope it will prosper!”
– Michael Colton, Co-Founder, Modern Humorist

You can check out the site by clicking here, or the link in our blogroll, or the other link at the bottom of this article.

Enjoy.

TO: Tom (My current boss)

I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.

– Kent (the guy with the funny ties)

TO: Cheryl (My high school guidance counselor)

I’d like to add you to my professional network of people on LinkedIn who thought I’d be dead by now.

– Kent

TO: Susan (My old boss at JoAnn’s Fabrics)

I’d like to add you to my professional network of past employers on LinkedIn who were unaware that I was spending most of my time at work jousting with curtain rods and fitting myself for capes.

– Kent

TO: Sam Jones

I’d like to add you to my professional network of college graduates on LinkedIn whose future in advertising depends largely on whether or not I have courtside seats at The Garden this Saturday.

– Kent Read the full story

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