I’ve had a sort of writing dry spell lately. As my legions of TTM fans have likely noticed, I haven’t contributed a whole lot to the site lately. I have a new job, a girlfriend, and the meth empire for which TTM is actually a front. What can I say? Kent and I are entrepreneurs and we saw a lucrative opportunity. I’ll tell you what though, we offer the best customer service and if you O.D. on our product, we give you your money back!

I digress. The point is, I’ve been busy. The content on the site has been mostly driven by Kent and hilarious contributors. I receive a loud voicemail every other day from Kent that is almost entirely comprised of vulgarities and racial epithets that don’t apply to me. I’m sorry buddy, but you just can’t coerce hilarity out of someone. It has to come from inspiration.

And well, I found some inspiration the other day. The following is my commentary on a list from a website called “The Frisky” about what you should teach your sons about women. What kind of website has that kind of ridiculous name? Good question. It’s a site by women, for women. Anytime a woman writes something about how men work, what men think, or generally anything about men, you can almost guarantee that it’s completely wrong. This list is a decent example of that, although I do agree with some of what it says. The rest of it… well… You’ll see. Here it is. The list itself will be in bold, my comments will be in italics. Bon Appetit, gluttons.

Read the full story

Popularity: 17% [?]

Pardon me, but has anyone ever told you that your beard and long hair make you look exactly like Jesus? I think I saw your face on a piece of toast yesterday. Yes, that’s right. Jesus Christ, the Messiah. I just wanted to thank you for being a physical representation of the Son of Man. Correct, He was also known as King of the Jews. You’re not Jewish? That’s odd; I assumed you were since you so closely resemble Jesus of Nazareth. You have a doctorate in Middle Eastern Anthropology? I suppose my comparison resonates with you, then.

It doesn’t? Not even a little bit? Please, I welcome your counterpoint, although I fear it will be insufficient.

Walking Stigmata

What? That gentleman over there? No, of course he doesn’t look like the Pascal Lamb! Well, to start he’s clean shaven! No, he doesn’t look like you. Not at all. His hair is so short! Sure it’s the same color, fine. But still, I maintain that you look completely different, him having absolutely no resemblance to Jesus, the Rose of Sharon. Read the full story

Popularity: 19% [?]

Next it's shirts with my face on them

Hello TTM Readers. this is just another installment in a long series of Self Promoting articles that have no substance in and of themselves, but only link to articles on other websites. I wrote my first “political” article for a Chicago website called Gaper’s Block. I met the political editor at Pilcrow Literary Festival, where I was a panelist with him. So if you’re feeling political and are tired of abusing your abdominal muscles with laughter here at TTM, take a jaunt over there and check out my article. It’s somewhat benign, I’d say:

Gay Marriage and Why Evangelicals Shouldn’t Care

Thanks for your undying love and charity laughs.

cheers.

-conor.

Popularity: 24% [?]

Hello again TTM readers. As you know, occasionally I run “news” articles where I cover the latest news and various other happenings in The Talking Mirror universe. It’s about time for another one.

First we have a little news article submitted to me by our webmaster Isaac the Conqueror:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8081829.stm

It’s about two gay penguins that raise an adopted egg. No, this isn’t a nightmare from a conservative children’s book writer. Apparently it’s news from some German zoo. I’m not sure if anyone in the world really gives a damn about the fact that this is happening or has happened, but if they do I have a couple ideas of some potential perspectives that might arise on the issue. Read the full story

Popularity: 26% [?]

Continued from Part Four.

If you’ve missed out so far, we find our two heroes Zac and Conor on their way to Australia to destroy the evil Ugg Boots once and for all, ridding the world of their horrid visage forever. A further summary can be found on part four (linked above) as well as links to the previous installments.

they're coming for you in your dreams

They were everywhere, the Uggs. Not with people attached to them, but just the horrible formless booties themselves, stomping all over Conor’s abdomen as if they operated by their own, horrifying volition. Suddenly Lady Gaga started playing, but not as if over speakers. It was everywhere, meaningless, inexplicable “Mah mah mah mah’s” resonating through Conor’s very veins. There were screens everywhere showing “Sex and the City,” “Bride Wars,” and every crappy parody by the guys that brought us “Scary Movie.” And then Murphy’s Law was brought to its most terrible apex: Carson Daly stood over him, making out with Jennifer Love Hewitt who, while speaking out of the side of her mouth as she continued to kiss the Skeletor-like fame monger, repeated over and over “I love you, Carson Daly and will never, ever love Conor.” Read the full story

Popularity: 66% [?]

Life at The Talking Mirror has been good the last couple weeks.  More people are visiting the site, fewer viruses are infiltrating our computers, and several studios have already expressed interest in TTM: The 3D Movie Experience.  This is both exciting and unsettling since we know that none of this should be happening.  The writing is still barely-legible.  Our temperaments are still offensive to women, children, and blind people.  And our first Facebook ad, having appeared on 25,515 profiles across America, has sent only 15 new readers to the site.  Not quite the tsunami we were hoping for

Conor and I have speculated about the dozens, indeed hundreds, of possible causes for this spike in traffic (i.e. Facebook statuses being whored out, non-reader friends finally being overcome by guilt, widespread unemployment, tagging posts with things like “Kate Beckinsale Nude!!!!!”, etc).  Wrong, wrong, wrong, and wrong.

Nay, dear readers, the answer to this riddle is rooted in two articles which appeared on this site in January.  One was about Carson Daly, the other was about Jason Mraz, both were about the degree to which these gentlemen suck.  If you have not read these articles, allow me to summarize: they suck alot.  Well, as fate and the internet gods would have it, the message of these articles apparently resonated with the teeming masses of hateful Americans who prowl the World Wide Web and has sent them flocking in droves to The Talking Mirror. Read the full story

Popularity: 57% [?]