Tag Archive | "Christian Humor"

The Over-Analysis: Christian Knock-offs

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The Over-Analysis: Christian Knock-offs


Being a member of a youth group at Church will teach you a lot of things. You may (hopefully) learn about the Christian faith. You may learn about friendship, romance, or conflict resolution. Maybe you’ll even witness for the first time that yes, farts can indeed be ignited into flames (and it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen).

What you’ll definitely witness and likely take part in, however, is the time-honored practice of the Christian Knock-Off. You see, we Christians don’t like to be original. We’re rip-off Jews, what are we supposed to do?

We take what the “secular” world produces, and we say “Hey, that’s super rad! But since it’s secular it’s probably going to hell along with everyone at MSNBC and Stephanie Meyer. We should make our own version of it so that we can make sure it goes to heaven too!” From music to movies to t-shirts, if you make it, we’ll take it, throw it in the washer a bunch of times so it shrinks and fades, draw a cross on it with a Sharpie, and sell it at LifeWay. Read the full story

Popularity: 11% [?]

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From the Archives: Joel Osteen Reads the Gospels for the First Time

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From the Archives: Joel Osteen Reads the Gospels for the First Time


Last Thursday Joel Osteen, senior pastor of Lakewood “Church” in Houston, Texas revealed to the world that he had

He didn't know Jesus was such a stickler.

He didn't know Jesus was such a stickler.

recently read the Gospels for the first time during a segment of the MTV Special True Life: I’m Joel Osteen. “Ya know, I decided it was about time I toughed it through all four Gospels. They’re super long but I mean, I am a pastor, right?” Osteen said laughingly in his charming Texan accent. The author of Your Best Life Now, a theological dissertation concerning the Biblical hermeneutic of success, was shocked at the lack of material prosperity present in the words of Jesus. “I tell you what, I don’t get it. Where’s the prosperity in the Gospels? Jesus didn’t own anything really. Not a yacht, not a Merc[edes], or, well, whatever their equivalents were back in the 1600’s when He was alive. What would that be, a carriage? I don’t know. You get my point.” Osteen went on in shock as he described how Jesus told his followers to give up everything and follow Him, rather than telling them to “invest everything wisely in solid mutual funds” or how “being a good steward means being successful in the stock market.” The story of the rich young man was apparently the straw that broke the pastor’s back. “And then, and then, Jesus goes and tells the rich guy to sell everything and give it to the poor? Everything Jesus? Everything? You can’t be serious.” Read the full story

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From The Archives: An Imagined Speech to the Couple Snuggling in the Pew Two Rows Up

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From The Archives: An Imagined Speech to the Couple Snuggling in the Pew Two Rows Up


Hard as it is to believe, The Talking Mirror will celebrate it’s first birthday this week.  Those of you who have been with us since the beginning (I refer here to my mother and Conor’s mother) will no doubt remember the half-formed fetus of a blog that was foisted upon the internet community last September.  Those of you who have joined us along the way will no doubt marvel at the  muscle-bound, semi-literate toddler it has become.  In addition to the requisite photos of TTM’s face and high chair covered in chocolate cake, we have decided to commemorate its first birthday by republishing some of our favorite pieces from the archives.  These are all from 2008 so many of you will have missed or forgotten them.  So read them again, for the first time.  Thanks again for all the visits, links, comments, and compliments.  We hope you enjoy these TTM classics and look forward to another year of half-assed commentary, and non-sensical cultural references.

(whispered) Excuse me. Hi. How are ya? Uh, this is a little awkward for me, and uh…well, I really hate to interrupt you two during the sermon like this and all, but…umm…you see, the thing is, I’m sitting two rows behind you and your little fondle-fest up here has begun to disturb me in a very deep and permanent way.

I heard you two recently got married. That’s awesome! Seriously, congratulations and all that. I can see that you guys really love each other, and I’m so happy you found one another. I’m just not so sure that God’s house is the most appropriate place to play huggy-bear, kissy-face. I get that it’s intensely painful for you two to be physically separated for even a few seconds. I get it, I really do. It’s called biological addiction, and I feel the same way about my couch. However, my sense of propriety and respect for social norms prevent me from dragging that couch here to the Lord’s living room every Sunday. I wish you two could do the same.

Listen bro, I’m sure tenderly caressing her lower back and running your hand through her silky auburn hair makes you want to worship the Lord more fervently than ever before. And you? I don’t doubt that as you run your finger nails along the contours of his bicep you’re pondering the sovereignty and strength of the Almighty. The problem is, all I’m thinking as I observe this foreplay from my pew is how long its been since my last solid makeout session. It’s been quite awhile, I don’t mind telling you. Read the full story

Popularity: 10% [?]

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Your Long Hair and Beard Makes You Look Like Christ Jesus Our Savior

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Your Long Hair and Beard Makes You Look Like Christ Jesus Our Savior


Pardon me, but has anyone ever told you that your beard and long hair make you look exactly like Jesus? I think I saw your face on a piece of toast yesterday. Yes, that’s right. Jesus Christ, the Messiah. I just wanted to thank you for being a physical representation of the Son of Man. Correct, He was also known as King of the Jews. You’re not Jewish? That’s odd; I assumed you were since you so closely resemble Jesus of Nazareth. You have a doctorate in Middle Eastern Anthropology? I suppose my comparison resonates with you, then.

It doesn’t? Not even a little bit? Please, I welcome your counterpoint, although I fear it will be insufficient.

Walking Stigmata

Walking Stigmata

What? That gentleman over there? No, of course he doesn’t look like the Pascal Lamb! Well, to start he’s clean shaven! No, he doesn’t look like you. Not at all. His hair is so short! Sure it’s the same color, fine. But still, I maintain that you look completely different, him having absolutely no resemblance to Jesus, the Rose of Sharon. Read the full story

Popularity: 17% [?]

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Local Mega-Church Adds Crowd Surfing to Worship Routine

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Local Mega-Church Adds Crowd Surfing to Worship Routine


Crossroads Christian Worship Centre recently updated their “Glossary of Worship” to include “Christ-Inspired Crowd Surfing” earlier this week. This comes in addition to the already Church-sanctioned practices of “Holy Fist Pumping,” “Spirit-Filled Moshing,” and “Righteous Lighter Waving.”

“I just… I just feel so burdened, deep down in my heart of hearts for those that need to express God’s love by jumping into crowds of other worshippers,” says Brady Greene, Pastor of Spirituality and Praise at CCWC. “You know, there’s got to be a reason that raising your hands is a requirement for praising God. I think the reason is so that you can catch your brothers and sisters who are so filled with love from the God above that they climb onto the stage and jump off.”

When asked about a Biblical source for this new “act of worship,” Greene cited King David. “Man, my brothers and sisters are just trying to really get close to God, like, physically. They’re Spirit-filled, right? And so they climb up the tallest thing they can find to try to get closer to God, and then at the top they kind of get ’slain in the Spirit,’ like what Benny Hinn does, but like, for real.”

Read the full story

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Heidi and Spencer Pratt go to Bible Study: A Transcript

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Heidi and Spencer Pratt go to Bible Study: A Transcript


The following is a transcript of the conversation that took place during a Bible study that Heidi and Spencer Pratt attended. For reasons of personal security, we cannot divulge how we attained this information.

CHRIS (Bible Study Leader): Hey everybody! I’d like to welcome you to another great Tuesday night Bible study here at Crossroads Christian Worship Centre! Now before you start whispering, I’ll just go ahead and offer a warm welcome to two newcomers who I’m sure you recognize: Heidi and Spencer Pratt! We’re just so thankful that you came.

HEIDI: Oh yeah, we’re like, super excited about Bibles.

SPENCER: Yeah! I totally brought my own. It says it’s called The Message, but I’m pretty sure it’s a Bible.

CHRIS: Close enough, Spencer.

HEIDI: Also, I just want everybody to know I brought in some advance copies of the Playboy issue that I’m in! They’re all signed by me and Spency, and specially personalized with my favorite Bible verse!

CHRIS: (stumbles with words) Um, Heidi, I uh… I think I can speak for all of us here when I say “no thank you.” It was, um, thoughtful of you to bring those, but they kind of… Nevermind, just no thank you. Read the full story

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John Eldredge Writes “Wild at Heart” Sequel, “U.H.C.: Ultimate Heart Championship”

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John Eldredge Writes “Wild at Heart” Sequel, “U.H.C.: Ultimate Heart Championship”


John Eldredge, the ultra-masculine author of the popular book and bible study series Wild at Heart, which focuses on “discovering the secret of a man’s soul” through camping, has released a second book and bible study series to further expound upon a subject which he calls “absolutely necessary for the future of testosterone in our Churches.” TTM caught up with Eldredge at his new U.H.C. training facility in Colorado Springs and was able to ask him a few questions about it.

U.H.C. has spawned a whole new line of merchandise for Christian bookstores across the nation.

U.H.C. has spawned a whole new line of merchandise for Christian bookstores across the nation.

His new book, simply titled U.H.C.: Ultimate Heart Championship, approaches the problem of androgyny in the Evangelical Church from a different angle. The subtitle, Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul through Biblical Violence, says it all, said Eldredge as he flexed his hand into a fingerless leather weight-lifting glove. “Men need a safe place to be vulnerable with each other, and the best place for that to happen is in the cage,” he said, motioning to a large octagonal fighting ring surrounded by a chain-link cage. When asked about what his basis for “Biblical Violence” was, Eldredge defensively responded “You know, Christian men need to stop being afraid. There’s a spirit of fear crippling the men in our Churches, and they need to just be like Samson and kick some butt sometimes.” In addition to kicking butt, U.H.C. also suggests that a great way for Christian men to fellowship is to “sit around with the guys and watch a good U.F.C. match and just drink some beers. Beer, violence, and theology are all crucial parts of the Christian man’s life, without which he becomes just another emasculated sissy girl that can’t take a punch” (U.H.C. pg 112).

Like his other book, U.H.C. also comments on how womens’ roles play out in relation to mens’ need for unadulterated violence: “Women have a deep void inside of their souls that is put there by God at birth. This emptiness can only be fulfilled by watching sweaty men wrestle and punch each other within some kind of eight-sided perimeter, preferably surrounded by chain links.” Eldredge refers to this need as “spectation,” and says that his relationship with his wife has benefited “in numerous, manly ways” from his matches in “the cage.” Eldredge’s wife Stasi is currently writing a book to complement U.H.C. called Spectating.

“Did Jesus just go up to sin and say ‘Hey there sin, I’d like you to stop afflicting my people and damning them to hell’? No He didn’t. Jesus took sin into the proverbial octagon and he put the spank down on sin! Heck yes He did! Sin tapped out after three days. This is the model that we use in U.H.C., except we don’t fight sin itself, we just fight the sin of being effeminate,” said Eldredge as he prepared a chocolate protein shake. According to U.H.C., the way for a man to tap into his “true Christian manhood” is to “repeatedly pummel the face of another Christian brother in love and gentleness.” Eldredge refers to this process as “violent edification” and he says that without it, “men begin to lose sight of the nature of their inner man-strength, eventually slipping into a state of weakness, pacifism, and hairlessness.”

A few of Eldredge’s “disciples” were also at the training facility and had this to say about U.H.C.: “Man, last week me and my accountability partner sparred here in the cage. I’ve never felt a stronger connection with my masculinity than when he dislocated my shoulder and broke my nose with his forehead. Before I wanted to be wild at heart, but now I want to be an ultimate heart champion!” U.H.C’s principles are quickly gaining popularity in many Christian circles as men gather around televisions to watch men beat each other into submission for the glory of the Lord.

Eldredge’s next project is a film based on Wild at Heart called Wildheart. The story is about a group Scottish of people in Colorado Springs who are oppressed by an evil English monarchy. Eldredge will play the main character, Bill Wallace, whom Eldredge describes as a “heroic horse whisperer who is the symbol of power and large nuttedness. He paints his face in scary blue and white, carries a claymore, and will be tamed by no woman.” The film is set to go into production in 2010.

Photo c/o some dude on Flickr. Tapout logo is copyright… the tapout company? Please don’t sue us.

Popularity: 48% [?]

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Review – I saw “24: Ex Nihilo” and it was good


According to a Fox Network spokesman, the most patriotic network has recently completed work on a spin off of the popular action drama, 24. In an effort to gain an even stronger hold on the conservative evangelical demographic, the official network for the Republican Party set out to create a series that affirmed a literal creation in six 24 hour days.

The show, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and Dr. James Dobson, is entitled 24: Ex Nihilo and stars Keifer Sutherland as Jack Bauer, the only begotten nephew of God. The show, slated for six seasons, will tell the story of Jack Bauer thwarting attempts by various parties to destroy creation. Read the full story

Popularity: 19% [?]

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Report from Heaven: No more F’ing around


The Lord God Almighty announced today that, henceforth, He will consider abbreviated cussing equivalent to the real humdinger. Under the new guidelines, phrases such as “F that” and “what the H” carry the full weight of the real cusswords.

“He’s not an idiot,” God’s Press Secretary reiterated, “He knows what these words stand for and He’ll treat them as such. You think He didn’t know what they represent just because his native tongue is Yiddish?”

The new restrictions have hit some Christian males particularly hard. Those like Mark Hubbard have managed to stay “bad A” while saving their soul by using abbreviations. Now, they face an eternal dilemma. “Yeah, talk about getting F’d in the A. How am I gonna stay so D edgy if I have so many K restrictions? I mean what the H? Why don’t you just take a G right to my X or Z me in the Q? I mean honestly…” says a disgruntled yet resiliently bad-A Hubbard.

Read the full story

Popularity: 10% [?]

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It’s Time to Cast Our Crowns… for a Babe.


You know, Christians are people too. I think we often forget that in our faithful pursuit of righteousness, romance can waltz right into our lives. Today we look to popular worship band Casting Crowns for guidance on this confusing issue as we spelunk the romantic caverns of their passion-filled love song, “Your Love Is Extravagant.”

Let’s peer into the first and only verse to see if we can glean some wisdom about Christian infatuation: “Your love is extravagant/ Your friendship, mmmm intimate/I find I’m moving to the rhythm of your grace /Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place/Cause your love is extravagant” What a blessing this song is, isn’t it? It just stirs up the emotions. The first line brings to us a wonderful description of the speaker’s feelings; the love of the other is not just really cool or sweet, it’s extravagant. I’d love to hear a girl tell me that, can I get an Amen? I mean, I wouldn’t just respond with a “thanks” like Ryan Atwood on the O.C., I’d be like “wow, your love is pretty extravagant too.” Read the full story

Popularity: 11% [?]

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