Dr. Dobson,

I’m not sure which scripture translation you are using this month, so I will greet you in the language of your four favorites – guten tag, konnichiwa, howdy doody, and shalom.  I am new to The Talking Mirror so you’ll have to forgive my unfamiliarity with “open email” etiquette.  Do I need to ACTUALLY email it to you, or is it safe to assume you have one of those “google alerts” set to search for your name along with the words “open email” a half dozen times a day?

If I was you, I’d probably set the search for “James Dobson” and “photoshopped to look like Satan” but that’s just me.  Actually, I hope you haven’t done that because then you’ll probably never read this – unless you see it on Victoria Osteen’s Twitter feed or something.  (Didn’t you and her have a thing once?  Did I hear that?  Maybe not.)  Maybe I should photoshop a picture of you to look like Satan just to be safe…

Oh gosh, you know what I just realized? All those questions I just asked about open emails are irrelevant (like the magazine! LOLZ!).  If you read them, I guess we already have our answer. Ha! Can you believe that? Isn’t it funny how life just works itself out sometimes?  Unless you’re Ted Haggard that is.  Things aren’t really working out for him.

Oh man, this email is getting long, and that’s the one thing my editors told me about writing an open email, they told me it’s like robbing a nursing home, “get in, get out, get some pudding.” Not really sure what they meant by that last part, but I’ve got some Snack Packs in the fridge and that’s where I’m heading now.

Thank you for your time Dr. Dobson. I appreciate you reading this open email no matter how you came across it. Hopefully in our next correspondence I will be able to address a few of the hot news items being discussed on FoxNews and elsewhere in the world, like the Christianity Today blog.

Peace, love, NIV,

Matt Browning

Managing Editor who also contributes

The Talking Mirror

P.S. We haven’t really talked about my title here, so that might change. Just didn’t want you to call our office and not be able to get a hold of me if my title changes.

P.P.S. I talked to Conor, he said we don’t even have an office, and that I’m the only Matt Browning writing for TTM, so don’t worry about the title changing.

P.P.P.S. Do you really think Obama’s a Muslim?

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Previously on I Kings: Our main man, Elijah, has spent the last three years kickin it in the wilderness east of the Jordan River.  Picture it like Arizona or like the episode of Man vs Wild where Bear Grylls goes to the Mojave Desert except if instead of drinking his own urine, Bear had super-smart ravens that would bring him bread and meat and whatnot.  That’s pretty much what it’s been like for the last three seasons. Apart from the occasional miraculous resurrection, it’s been pretty lame.

Episode 18: “God, Grills, and Girly-Men”

Finally, after three years, Elijah (aka E-Jay) gets a word from the Lord saying, “Go back and face your old nemesis Ahab and tell him that I’m about to rock his world and, if he’s lucky, I might even send some rain his way because – let’s be honest – all the trees are dead.”

So E-Jay walks his emaciated self back to Jerusa-Vegas and heads straight for Ahab’s house (picture Master P’s house from Season 3 of Cribs, but with bigger dungeons).  He rolls up to the door and says, “Wat up Ahab, you big dumbass?” (Yes, E-Jay has some stones.)

And Ahab’s all like, “Oh look, it’s the guy who ruined my life.”  And E-Jay’s like, “Psssh, whateva, you ruined your own life when you stopped praying and started letting your whore wife manage your career.”  And Ahab’s like, “Good point.”

So Elijah tells Ahab to text all the prophets of Asherah and all the prophets of Baal and everyone else who doesn’t think God is awesome and to tell them to meet him on top of this one mountain because he’s ready to make like Ron Artest and crack some skulls.

So everyone gets together up on Mount Carmel.  And my boy E-Jay get’s up there in front of God and everyone and says, “Hey everybody.  Thanks for coming out today.  I think your gods suck.”  (Like I said, the dude’s got some cojones.)

Now the thing to remember about the prophets of Baal and Asherah is that they’re pretty much the Twilight fans of 1500 BC.  And by that I mean: they’re a bunch of little bitches.  So no one says anything.  They just twitter amongst themselves about how Elijah is a hater and how he kind of looks like Osama Bin Laden. Read the full story

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For centuries the Catholic Church has had the market cornered on guilt, recent reports from Colorado Springs reveal that evangelicals are looking to get into the guilt business, though for different reasons.

“Sure, we make fun of Catholics. I mean, they do worship Mary and all, but no one can deny that their use of guilt as mind control revolutionized religion” said Dan Alterman, pastor of some church which members describe as “bible-based.” According to Alterman, guilt has long been used to control church-goers.

“It’s easy to throw a guilt trip at someone, and then ‘boom,’ you have your adult chaperon for your next mission trip to Guatemala.”

Catholics, Alterman says, have perfected the use of guilt, getting their followers worldwide to do crazy things like giving up chocolate during Lent or telling their deepest, darkest secrets to lonely, unmarried men.

“Statistics show that only 24% of the world’s usable guilt is being utilized as an energy source,” Alterman says, not citing any resources. “It’s time to bring guilt into the 21st century.” Read the full story

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So you’re a guy that wants to be a new member of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, the home of Mark “The Muscles” Driscoll? We’ve got a few questions for you before we get to our theological assessment. These questions have been written by our very own Mark “The Monster” Driscoll, so answer carefully or he’ll yell something theological at you.

Our Paragon of Masculinity, pushing more hair out of his chest with raw anger

1. How often do you watch UFC?

A. Always.

B. Always and with beers.

C. All of the above.

D. What’s UFC? I’m gay.

2. How often do you play video games?

A. Only with one of my multitude of children. I’ve lost count of them.

B. All the time. I’m a loser.

C. Sometimes. I’m a half loser.

D. What’s UFC? I’m gay.

Read the full story

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By: Kent & Conor

A Note From the Authors: All of these churches are real.  You can view their websites (most of which are pretty sweet) by clicking the church’s name.  The sole purpose of this article is to mock some recently planted churches who, for whatever reason, have chosen some pretty ridiculous names for themselves.  We know almost nothing about the theology, community, or single women to men ratios of any of these churches, and it is not our intent to comment on their sincerity or effectiveness.  They’re probably really great.  We just think their names are stupid.  That is all.

Elevation Church

This church is all about getting high – on Jesus! Their services don’t officially feature any narcotics usage, but do encourage their congregants to take part in mountain climbing and visiting the top floor of skyscrapers in order to “elevate your walk closer to God.” Elevation Church also features a marriage ministry called “Love in an Elevator,” which teaches married couples how to master the art of Christian Exhibitionism.

Infusion Church

Founded by former Red Cross employees, Infusion Church has taken the issue of transubstantiation very, very seriously. Communion wine is taken intravenously, and Holy Water (blessed by Mark Driscoll personally) is provided to each willing congregant via an I.V. drip during Sunday Morning services.

Paradox Community Church

This church doesn’t make any sense. Blam! Hahaha! Get it?! Really though, members of this church pride themselves on taking on hobbies and titles that seem contradictory to outsiders, such as: their political ministry Christians for Obama, their beer brewing ministry Unashamed Alcoholic Baptists, and their anger management support group Living Like John Piper.

Mystery Church

No one knows anything about this church.

Austin City Life

This church, located in Austin, TX, has grown its congregation by ensnaring visitors to Austin (read: drug addicts) who think they are attending the Austin City Limits music festival.  The people who make those evangelistic tracts that look like $20 bills could probably tell them this is a bad idea. Read the full story

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Powerpoint Guy:

Do you know what my job is, Jay? It’s not complicated, but it’s noble. I’ll tell you what my job is, Jay. Take a seat. My job is to deliver the correct words of the worship songs to the congregation, usually  spread across a beautiful backdrop. Something like a flowering field, or a Montana sunset. Sometimes in the winter I throw a beach up on the screen just to fight the Seasonal Affective Disorder. I get those words up there, and I do it at the right time, every time. That’s my job.

I take you from the sanctuary, to the rainbow by the lake on the farm.

Read the full story

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By: Kent and Conor

Dear Evangelical Community,

Hello.  My name is Christopher Benson.  You can call me Topher.  Unless you workout at Cardinal Fitness in West Pittsburgh or have a child in K – 5^th grade PE at Samuel Adams Elementary, chances are good that we have never met.  Despite the fact that we are strangers, I feel I owe you an apology.  Without even meaning to I have recently impacted your lives, your hearts, and your iPods in a tragic and permanent way.  I have come to humbly beg for forgiveness.

You’re probably wondering, “man, what terrible thing did this guy do?  Did he vote Democrat?  Did he visit San Francisco?”  Sadly, it was much worse than that.  You see, back in the early 2000′s, I was dating this singer/songwriter chick named Jennifer Knapp, and…well…I’ll just say it: I’m pretty sure I turned her gay.

Not that it’s any consolation, but I promise it was an accident.  When I met Jenn she seemed like all the other nice, decently cute (call her a 7.5), heterosexual girls I’ve dated in the past.  We dated for about two years, and, not only did we have an awesome couple name (Jenntopher), I thought we had a really great time together.

We were both into the same things like sports, music, professional wrestling, and my body.  Plus, she always seemed to get a kick out of my jokes about her last name.  Like when I wiped barbeque sauce all over her shirt and called her a “Knappkin.” Or the other time when I threw her over my shoulder and walked around Six Flags calling her my “Knapp-sack.”  She wasn’t laughing, but I could tell she got the joke. Read the full story

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Let me just start out by saying that generally, according to his theology and for his appreciation of Tenacious D, I like John Piper. In this situation, I don’t disagree with the overall message that Piper is conveying. This guy is dropping truth bombs so hard, it’s like the swimming pool at fat camp after a cannonball contest. Water is everywhere. Or something. You get the idea. I don’t disagree with the theology being presented. It’s the method with which he conveys that message that I’m about to lampoon, not the content itself.

Watch this video. It’s about 6 minutes long total and the part I’m concerned with begins about 3 minutes and 15 seconds into it, so you can skip ahead if you want. There’s also a transcription below, if you’re lazy. Who am I kidding? I know you’re lazy. Just read the transcription.

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/MediaPlayer/3371/Video/

This is from a segment called “Ask Pastor John,” where he takes questions from people and does his best to answer them. The question in this situation is:

If you were a youth pastor with two minutes to convince a young man not to sleep with his girlfriend, what would you say? Would your comments be different if you were talking to a young lady? Read the full story

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So you’ve been called to be a church planter, have you?  I know, I know – bummer, right?  You’re probably thinking, “awww, man!  Really?  Planting churches?  Why couldn’t it have been something cool like faith healing or something easy like teaching?”  If that’s not what you’re thinking, it’s what the rest of us are thinking for you.

Oh well, no sense fighting it.  We can’t all be Major League Baseball chaplains or “religion consultants” for M. Night Shyamalan movies.  Jonah wasn’t thrilled about going into ministry either and everyone at Sea World can tell you how that worked out for him.  (Note: too soon?)

But let’s not harp on the negatives.  There are plenty (i.e. one or two) reasons to be excited about your new calling.  For starters, at least you weren’t called to something really awful, like celibacy or accounting.  (Same thing, I know.)  For seconds, thanks to advances in modern spirituality, church planting isn’t nearly as inconvenient as it used to be. Read the full story

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March is past, and with it went the somber recognition of D-Day, or “Divorce Day,” the day when Amy Grant officially filed for divorce from her husband Gary Chapman. On March 4th Christians all over the nation wore black to signify the symbolic death of Amy Grant’s Christian faith, in addition to wearing wedding rings on all ten fingers in support of the covenant of marriage.

“That was the worst day of my life,” says Walter Lincoln, a long time fan and a saintly Christian. “It was almost as if Amy [Grant] had died for real. I wept for a while, and then I just crushed my [Amy Grant] CDs with my Bible. It just weighed so heavily on my heart.” It was a dark day, indeed. Our sources tell us that on that day alone in 1999, 14 billion Amy Grant CDs and tapes were destroyed, most of them by ritualistic fire.* According to the RIAA, the demographic that most commonly purchased Amy Grant records changed after March 4th, 1999 from almost entirely Christian to mostly Satan worshippers.**

Read the full story

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