Typically, this is where the Ted Haggard references and “Weinergate” jokes would begin, but this is not your typical story of clerical indiscretion.  Ben Pritchett doesn’t go to Taboo because he’s “into that kind of thing.”  He goes to work.  He goes with permission from his wife and the blessings of his church’s elder board.

Pritchett’s presence at the strip club on this particular evening is part of a ministry focus that he terms “radical relevancy.”  Within the parameters of this initiative, student ministry professionals have license to experiment with all manner of vice in an effort to reach America’s jaded and over-stimulated “Youtube Generation” for the Lord.

After a young woman who calls herself Chastity finishes providing Pritchett with his 3^rd lap dance (aka “immersion experience”) of the evening, the 27 year-old father of four offers some insight as to why his unconventional approach is necessary.

“It used to be that all a youth pastor needed to connect with teens was a pair of cargo shorts and a soul patch.  Maybe some Ben Folds glasses.  Not anymore.  Not when parents are as cool as they are these days.  Moms and dads have Facebook accounts.  They’re hosting post-prom keg parties.  They’re listening to Cee Lo Green.  And if parents are that hip, how’s a Christian Education major like me supposed to stay edgy yet approachable?  I’ll tell you how – booby bars.”

Pritchett, a 4^th generation youth pastor, goes on to say that he first attempted to bridge the generation gap through more traditional means before resorting to his current “shock and awe” approach.

“Listen, broskie, I did it all,” says Pritchett, motioning to his “I Heart Liberty City” T-Shirt to add emphasis to his point.  “I was dropping S-bombs and ‘tard’ in casual conversation.  I was re-tweeting Texts From Last Night during church.  I was watching hours of Spike TV every night.  It wasn’t enough.  I mean, honestly, how many Lonely Island lyrics can one person memorize?”

Apparently not enough.  Citing the Apostle Paul’s exhortation to “become all things to all people” Pritchett began engaging in what he calls “testimony enhancement” exercises.  It started with Four Loko’s and Judd Apatow director’s cuts, progressed rapidly to experimentation with low grade narcotics, and eventually landed him at Taboo, where he can regularly be found dumping trash bags full of offering-plate subsidized singles onto the heads of cosmetically enhanced teen runaways.

Pritchett says it’s too early to tell if his time at Taboo is having an impact on the kids, but initial signs are positive.

“The guys in my Tuesday night small group have all responded really well to my ‘tales of T&A,’’ says Pritchett as he polishes off another Michelob Ultra.  “They’re engaged.  They ask questions.  They stay afterward to discuss it in greater detail.  It’s been really cool to see.”

He also brushes off any implications that his nonchalant engagement with skin bars might be having a negative effect on his students by making morally questionable behavior seem cool or somehow sanctifying.

“It’s like my first boss at the West Orange KFC told me: it doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home.  That’s something that I think is so important for the youth of today to understand.”

I’m not sure which scripture translation you are using this month, so I will greet you in the language of your four favorites – guten tag, konnichiwa, howdy doody, and shalom.  I am new to The Talking Mirror so you’ll have to forgive my unfamiliarity with “open email” etiquette.  Do I need to ACTUALLY email it to you, or is it safe to assume you have one of those “google alerts” set to search for your name along with the words “open email” a half dozen times a day?

If I was you, I’d probably set the search for “James Dobson” and “photoshopped to look like Satan” but that’s just me.  Actually, I hope you haven’t done that because then you’ll probably never read this – unless you see it on Victoria Osteen’s Twitter feed or something.  (Didn’t you and her have a thing once?  Did I hear that?  Maybe not.)  Maybe I should photoshop a picture of you to look like Satan just to be safe…

Oh gosh, you know what I just realized? All those questions I just asked about open emails are irrelevant (like the magazine! LOLZ!).  If you read them, I guess we already have our answer. Ha! Can you believe that? Isn’t it funny how life just works itself out sometimes?  Unless you’re Ted Haggard that is.  Things aren’t really working out for him.

Oh man, this email is getting long, and that’s the one thing my editors told me about writing an open email, they told me it’s like robbing a nursing home, “get in, get out, get some pudding.” Not really sure what they meant by that last part, but I’ve got some Snack Packs in the fridge and that’s where I’m heading now.

Thank you for your time Dr. Dobson. I appreciate you reading this open email no matter how you came across it. Hopefully in our next correspondence I will be able to address a few of the hot news items being discussed on FoxNews and elsewhere in the world, like the Christianity Today blog.

Peace, love, NIV,

Matt Browning

Managing Editor who also contributes

The Talking Mirror

P.S. We haven’t really talked about my title here, so that might change. Just didn’t want you to call our office and not be able to get a hold of me if my title changes.

P.P.S. I talked to Conor, he said we don’t even have an office, and that I’m the only Matt Browning writing for TTM, so don’t worry about the title changing.

P.P.P.S. Do you really think Obama’s a Muslim?

Episode 18: “God, Grills, and Girly-Men”

Finally, after three years, Elijah (aka E-Jay) gets a word from the Lord saying, “Go back and face your old nemesis Ahab and tell him that I’m about to rock his world and, if he’s lucky, I might even send some rain his way because – let’s be honest – all the trees are dead.”

So E-Jay walks his emaciated self back to Jerusa-Vegas and heads straight for Ahab’s house (picture Master P’s house from Season 3 of Cribs, but with bigger dungeons).  He rolls up to the door and says, “Wat up Ahab, you big dumbass?” (Yes, E-Jay has some stones.)

And Ahab’s all like, “Oh look, it’s the guy who ruined my life.”  And E-Jay’s like, “Psssh, whateva, you ruined your own life when you stopped praying and started letting your whore wife manage your career.”  And Ahab’s like, “Good point.”

So Elijah tells Ahab to text all the prophets of Asherah and all the prophets of Baal and everyone else who doesn’t think God is awesome and to tell them to meet him on top of this one mountain because he’s ready to make like Ron Artest and crack some skulls.

So everyone gets together up on Mount Carmel.  And my boy E-Jay get’s up there in front of God and everyone and says, “Hey everybody.  Thanks for coming out today.  I think your gods suck.”  (Like I said, the dude’s got some cojones.)

Now the thing to remember about the prophets of Baal and Asherah is that they’re pretty much the Twilight fans of 1500 BC.  And by that I mean: they’re a bunch of little bitches.  So no one says anything.  They just twitter amongst themselves about how Elijah is a hater and how he kind of looks like Osama Bin Laden.

Hearing no objections, E-Jay keeps tearing them a collective new one.  “Would you make up your minds already?!  It’s always Edward this, Jacob that; I swear, every minute I spend with you people I feel like I’m getting more retarded.”

E-Jay says it’s time to figure out once and for all which supernatural being is a baller and which one(s) is a Betty White,  so he suggests they build two grills and throw a slab of Angus on each.  One caveat: they can’t use charcoal or matches or Girl Scout Juice to light them; they’ve got to ask their favorite supernatural star to start the grills for them.

Is this your deity?

Team Baal and Team Asherah may be little bitches, but they also know enough about E-Jay to know that if they back down now, he’ll put them on blast on his next LP, with a song called “God, Grills, and Girly-Men” or something like that.  So they accept the challenge.

The Baalites and Asheraans go first.  They put on a bunch of costumes like they’re going to a midnight premier and dance around their grill shouting out to their gods.  It’s amateur hour at Mt. Carmel: half post-Prom field party, half MGMT video, all fodder for an embarrassing Facebook album.  This goes on for the better part of the morning.  As you’ve probably guessed, Baal and Asherah are about as real as the United States’ chances at The World Cup so, of course, nothing happens.

Around lunchtime, Elijah has had enough.  He starts dogging on the other prophets saying stuff like “maybe your gods are taking a leak, maybe they’re passed out on the pool table, or maybe they’re just real hungover and don’t feel like raining down fire at the moment.”  He also holds up a big sign that says “EPIC FAIL.”  Classic E-Jay

The other prophets are tired and irritable after their morning of dancing so they don’t take too kindly to E-Jay’s lip.  They say, “Screw you Elijah.  Let’s see you do better, you flip-phone-using old man.”  Like I said, they’re at least half retarded.

So Elijah goes over to his homemade Weber and says a quiet prayer his God who happens to also be the Sovereign Lord of the entire universe.  And before he can even finish his prayer, fire falls from the sky and consumes the steaks, the wood, and the entire grill. (I think this probably looked like that part in Independence Day when the laser blasts destroyed New York, Los Angeles, and Washington DC.)

Everyone is stunned and afraid and can do nothing but sit and watch as E-Jay dances around the mountaintop flexing his muscles and shouting “One shot!” like he’s freaking Ronnie from Jersey Shore. When he finishes rubbing it in everyone’s face, he rounds up all the prophets of Baal and Asherah, takes them down near the brook Kishon, and slaughters them.  Hahaha.  Classic E-Jay.

Sadly, murdering the losing team has since been made illegal.

“Sure, we make fun of Catholics. I mean, they do worship Mary and all, but no one can deny that their use of guilt as mind control revolutionized religion” said Dan Alterman, pastor of some church which members describe as “bible-based.” According to Alterman, guilt has long been used to control church-goers.

“It’s easy to throw a guilt trip at someone, and then ‘boom,’ you have your adult chaperon for your next mission trip to Guatemala.”

Catholics, Alterman says, have perfected the use of guilt, getting their followers worldwide to do crazy things like giving up chocolate during Lent or telling their deepest, darkest secrets to lonely, unmarried men.

“Statistics show that only 24% of the world’s usable guilt is being utilized as an energy source,” Alterman says, not citing any resources. “It’s time to bring guilt into the 21st century.”

(Note: This stat is a bit misleading as it leaves out the fact that TOMS Shoes is burning roughly 16% of the world’s guilt by selling shoes to help improve the lives of the people who made the Nike shoes that the TOMS customers feel guilty for buying in the first place.)

“We see it as a way of reaching out to the community, and the rest of the world, and saying, ‘Jesus loves the WHOLE WORLD, even the hippy, environmental part of it,’” Alterman explained.

Many members, including Alterman himself, are doing their best to raise awareness about the new fuel which will purportedly fuel everything from cars to toasters to the factories that produce the Prius that Alterman drives to church.

Alterman’s own son Josh had the idea – some might call it a divine revelation – while observing the exhaling breaths of people at concessions stands at the moment that they are asked if they want cheese with their soft pretzel. “There’s a lot of guilt tied up in getting a pretzel AND the processed cheese sauce” says the 17 year-old who works at the AMC over on Roy Road. This was the initial breakthrough that lead Alterman to begin harvesting “guilt sighs” during his famous sermon series Sad-Looking Minority Children and Starving Puppies.

But after harvesting all of that guilt, how will it be used as fuel? Alterman has the answer: “We’re doing our best to be ecumenical, so we’re working with General Motors’ Smart Energy People [Editor: "Engineers"] to develop a new engine powered entirely by guilt.” The questions of whether or not the technology to efficiently turn guilt into energy is possible or whether or not Alterman knows that he incorrectly used the word “ecumenical” have yet to be answered.

A GM prototype sketch featuring the theoretical "Guilt-Eating Rabbit Engine"

Stay with TTM for further developments.

TTM welcomes the humorous musings of Matt Browning of “Real World: Omaha” fame to our humble website. We have spent the last six months recruiting Matt, and almost lost him to the Bulls. Luckily, LeBron ganked his spot and he had to settle.

Our Paragon of Masculinity, pushing more hair out of his chest with raw anger

1. How often do you watch UFC?

A. Always.

B. Always and with beers.

C. All of the above.

D. What’s UFC? I’m gay.

2. How often do you play video games?

A. Only with one of my multitude of children. I’ve lost count of them.

B. All the time. I’m a loser.

C. Sometimes. I’m a half loser.

D. What’s UFC? I’m gay.

3. How often do you fist fight?

A. Sometimes, but now that I’ve found Jesus I’m trying to stop.

B. Never anymore, but I used to fight people all the time. That was my sordidly badass past, which I talk about often in order to witness to others.

C. Only when dudes fail this test. Just kidding… Or am I?

D. I punch like a girl and am gay.

4. What do you think of having a family?

A. I am married and am actively producing offspring.

B. I am unmarried, but look forward to being a father like Mark, and especially look forward to the process of making children which I will talk about frequently in Church because that shouldn’t make you uncomfortable.

C. I am too busy trying not to fist fight to have children, but I will one day because having lots of children is a divine mandate.

D. I do not want children. I play lots of video games and am gay.

5. What are women good for?

A. Bringing me non-light (i.e. non-wimpy) beer as I watch UFC.

B. Incubating children for our large family.

C. I’m not sure.

D. Women are an important part of the Church because they contribute to Church development through theological interpretation and Church leadership. I am a gay heretic.

SCORING (DON’T LOOK HERE UNTIL YOU’RE DONE. GOD IS WATCHING)

A = 5 points.

B = 4 points.

C = 3 points.

D = 0 points.

20-25 points = Welcome to Mars Hill! Head to the information table to find out how to join an Arm Wrestling Small Group!

15-19 = Not our first pick, but welcome to Mars Hill anyway. Brush up on your micro-brews and you should fit in fine.

9-14 = Hmmm. Well. I mean, I guess we’ve got some room. Why don’t you come by the Men’s Automobile Repair and Violence retreat, and we’ll see where it goes from there. Sound fair?

0-9 = You’re either a woman who took this test on accident or you’re gay. Either way, we have a retreat to cure you.

A Note From the Authors: All of these churches are real.  You can view their websites (most of which are pretty sweet) by clicking the church’s name.  The sole purpose of this article is to mock some recently planted churches who, for whatever reason, have chosen some pretty ridiculous names for themselves.  We know almost nothing about the theology, community, or single women to men ratios of any of these churches, and it is not our intent to comment on their sincerity or effectiveness.  They’re probably really great.  We just think their names are stupid.  That is all.

Elevation Church

This church is all about getting high – on Jesus! Their services don’t officially feature any narcotics usage, but do encourage their congregants to take part in mountain climbing and visiting the top floor of skyscrapers in order to “elevate your walk closer to God.” Elevation Church also features a marriage ministry called “Love in an Elevator,” which teaches married couples how to master the art of Christian Exhibitionism.

Infusion Church

Founded by former Red Cross employees, Infusion Church has taken the issue of transubstantiation very, very seriously. Communion wine is taken intravenously, and Holy Water (blessed by Mark Driscoll personally) is provided to each willing congregant via an I.V. drip during Sunday Morning services.

Paradox Community Church

This church doesn’t make any sense. Blam! Hahaha! Get it?! Really though, members of this church pride themselves on taking on hobbies and titles that seem contradictory to outsiders, such as: their political ministry Christians for Obama, their beer brewing ministry Unashamed Alcoholic Baptists, and their anger management support group Living Like John Piper.

Mystery Church

No one knows anything about this church.

Austin City Life

This church, located in Austin, TX, has grown its congregation by ensnaring visitors to Austin (read: drug addicts) who think they are attending the Austin City Limits music festival.  The people who make those evangelistic tracts that look like $20 bills could probably tell them this is a bad idea.

The Journey

Founded by Steve Perry’s distant cousin, The Journey focuses almost exclusively on discovering God through the musical corpus of the legendary rock band Journey.

The Line

Confusingly, this church incorporates neither Johnny Cash’s famous hit nor cocaine abuse. Rather, it was founded on that explanation of God’s view of time that every youth pastor uses on his students. That’s right, the one where he draws a line on a piece of paper and says “this line is your life, from start to finish.” And then he looks at you real serious-like, and he says, “where is God?” And you get a little confused because you think it might be a trick question or some kind of Where’s Waldo? thing, so you shrug. Then he drops the bomb on you like freakin’ Nagasaki: “God is the paper man. He’s the paper.” Churches are built on wisdom like that, as The Line proves to us.

Dust

Not a great choice for OCD sufferers or people with allergies, but fans of the movie Gladiator will no doubt find comfort in the quote emblazoned above the alter: “Shadows and dust. – Proximo”.

Vintage Church

This church meets weekly (if they feel like it) in Carol’s Thrift Shop in Shreveport, Louisiana.  Their website lists Camaros made before 1973, collectible lunchboxes, and “doing life together” as a few of the church’s core values.  Attire is casual, but anyone not wearing a Rolling Stone concert tee may feel under dressed.

The Rooted Church

A church for members of the Green Party, The Rooted Church meets in a series of tree houses built out of recycled and reclaimed building materials. Church members have collectively converted their vehicles to run on a special mixture of patchouli oil and human excrement. Men and women alike also take the sacrament of human body hair very seriously.

Coram Deo Church

Founded by a frustrated Scrabble player, Coram Deo Church is founded on the idea that people should know obscure spiritual terms from dead languages.

Seed Church

Like many churches, Seed Church was founded as a memorial. Unlike those other churches, however, this church memorializes victims of an unsung epidemic – the billions of potential lives that have been murdered at the hands of the church’s chronic masturbators.

Matthias’ Lot

Matthias’ Lot has at its core a maxim held dear by mothers the world over: nothing good ever happened in-doors.  Eschewing real estate and roofs, these parishioners hold their Sunday services on an abandoned parcel of land in north Los Angeles.  The church derives its name from the land’s owner, Nicaraguan shoe shine Matthias Lopez, who became a millionaire in 1993 when he leased the same field to Paramount Studios for the filming of the movie “The Sandlot.”

Trademark

This body of believers is not to be discussed, parodied, or otherwise reproduced without the express, written consent of God.

Liberti Church

In 2006 the founders of Liberti Church purchased an initial run of 10,000 promotional bumper stickers, book marks, and travel mugs without employing spell check.  Not wanting to let perfectly good travel mugs go to waste (i.e. get donated to The Salvation Army) they decided to just go with it.

Do you know what my job is, Jay? It’s not complicated, but it’s noble. I’ll tell you what my job is, Jay. Take a seat. My job is to deliver the correct words of the worship songs to the congregation, usually  spread across a beautiful backdrop. Something like a flowering field, or a Montana sunset. Sometimes in the winter I throw a beach up on the screen just to fight the Seasonal Affective Disorder. I get those words up there, and I do it at the right time, every time. That’s my job.

I take you from the sanctuary, to the rainbow by the lake on the farm.

Why are you trying to do my job, Jay? Have I tried to do your job? Do you see me going up on the stage with my Takamine? Yeah, I’ve got one, what single Christian guy doesn’t? Do you see me going down there, strumming some chords and singing some songs with my eyes involuntarily closed in a worshippy passion? No, you don’t see that. You know why? Because that’s not my job. I was called to operate a useful Microsoft program. Just let me do my job.

It’s time you give me the respect I deserve. How would you survive Sunday mornings without me? A hymnal? Please, we’re not Catholics. You do a lot of things well. Every time you flex that falsetto, it brings the tears. If Coldplay has taught us anything, it’s that tears = tithes. That’s good work, Jay. And I know that sometimes Jesus speaks into your ear monitor and tells you that you need to mix up the arrangement of the song, so you need to let the keyboardist, the harpist, the tuba, and the djembe know where to go musically. On those times where the Spirit is telling you that we need to go over the mountains and the sea just one more time, we all appreciate your leadership.

But most of the time, that’s not it, chief. Most of the time you’re up there, acting like you’re Bon Jovi and you’re going to let the crowd do the next verse of Livin’ on a Prayer. Nobody has their lighters out here, Jay. It’s 9:30am on a Sunday morning. Your job is to be the voice we sing along with, that’s it. You initiate the singing, I show people the lyrics. You do your job, I’ll do mine, and there won’t be any trouble. Keep up the teleprompter act, though, and we’re gonna have a problem. You know who sits right next to me? The sound guy, Jay. You and I both know the kinds of things he can do to make your world filled with hurt. We don’t need to go there, do we? I’d hate for you to get a lot of feedback in your ear monitor. It’d be a shame, Jay. A real shame.

Worship Leader:

Whoa, whoa, whoa!  Wuh-uh-uh-oh!  Where did that come from?  Seriously bro, it’s like I don’t even know you anymore.  You sure this isn’t about something else?  Like maybe how I started dating Sara last week?  Bro, we’ve talked about that.  You guys only dated for like a month.  Plus, you and I weren’t even really friends back then so it doesn’t count.

For now, let’s pretend that you’re actually serious about this whole “speak n’ sing” thing and I’ll try to explain why I do what I do even though you probably won’t get it because you’ve never lead worship anywhere much less been lead worshipper for a trans-denominational meta-church.  No offense, bro.

Question: What good is a slide with words on it if you can’t read?  Answer: Not very good at all.

Are there illiterate people at our church?  Probably not.  Most of the farmers and truck drivers go to Lakeside Baptist across town.  But maybe there are.  And even if there’s only one, I think that justifies my decision to say “the splendor of the King” before I put it to music.  It’s my job to bring people closer to Jesus and that includes all people, not just the ones who paid attention in first grade.

Secondly, where’s this obsession with the slides coming from?  It seems to me – and I could be off-base here, but I’m just calling it like I see it cause you’re my boy and what are boys for if not to be upfront with each other but definitely let me know if there’s something else going on or if I’m missing something here – but it seems like you’re turning the overhead screen into an idol.  We want people looking at the stage which then makes them think about heaven.  Who cares about what’s going on the screen?  No offense, bro.

You know who else had a big screen he wanted everyone to pay attention to?  King Nebuchadnezzar.  That didn’t work out too well for Chad-rack, Three-pack, and Antonio, and I’m not about to let you get this church thrown in a fiery furnace.

I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate what you do for us, but I just feel like – and again, I could be wrong here but you got me all worked up and I need to speak my mind for a minute or else I won’t be able to sleep tonight – I feel like Christians did fine without Powerpoint for, like, 4,000 years and whenever the world ends and we’re back to living in caves and playing guitar by flashlight, we’ll do fine without Powerpoint again.  Is that what I want?  No.  But we could do it.  That’s all I’m saying.

Seriously though, are you sure this isn’t about Sara?

Watch this video. It’s about 6 minutes long total and the part I’m concerned with begins about 3 minutes and 15 seconds into it, so you can skip ahead if you want. There’s also a transcription below, if you’re lazy. Who am I kidding? I know you’re lazy. Just read the transcription.

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/MediaPlayer/3371/Video/

This is from a segment called “Ask Pastor John,” where he takes questions from people and does his best to answer them. The question in this situation is:

If you were a youth pastor with two minutes to convince a young man not to sleep with his girlfriend, what would you say? Would your comments be different if you were talking to a young lady?

Good question, right? Every Christian that’s ever been in a romantic relationship has had this issue come up. Where’s the line? If I love her, why can’t we? What about if we keep our eyes closed? Or if I have gloves on? And ski pants? We’re going to get married anyway. Piper provides multiple approaches to answer this question which are generally solid, but he ruins it in a big way about 3:15 when he presents his “second approach” to addressing this issue. It’s jaw dropping. Here’s what he says:

Piper: Number two you’d say: You know, don’t you, that Christ died for you sins? All of them, including your future fornication. When you penetrate this woman, you thrust a sword into Jesus’ side. Think about that. Do you want to do that? Every sin you commit is a fresh sword thrust into the side of Jesus. You keep that in your mind, buddy.

Wow, Pastor John. Wow. I just… I just don’t know what to say. Did you really have to do that? Did you really have to go there, with that, like that? I mean, there are a lot of other ways to say that that don’t involve the image of stabbing Jesus with a penis. You really had no other thought in your mind other than a metaphor that is featured in every single romance novel ever? If the tactic you were going for was to disturb people out of premarital sex, you were completely successful. In fact, I’m not sure you didn’t scare married couples out of having sex. He even pauses to say “think about that,” for emphasis. I don’t want to think about that, Pastor John. Not because I disagree with you, but because I now have the image in my mind of a wiener killing Jesus and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same.

"Just think of it, stabbing Jesus with your dong"

Maybe he was put on the spot and it was unintentional, but this is a recording. This was edited. You could have gone back and re-shot that particular segment. Why didn’t you? Did you think that was an effective way to convey your point? Any junior high kid that was actually considering asking this question just frantically turned off their computer and hid under their bed. Sex is already an uncomfortable subject for many young people, especially Christian kids. Who are they going to ask? Their parents? That’s a terrifying prospect for Christian and non-Christian kids alike, because it presupposes that our parents would be speaking from experience with each other and sweet Moses please bleach my mind.

More than that, it’s an important subject; if young people can’t get respectful, engaging, normal information from their church leaders about sexuality and its place within Christian life, they’re going to get it somewhere else, like MTV or Dr. Phil. Have you seen that guy? These kids are sincerely seeking advice, trying to do the right thing. It’s not really helpful to tell them that when they’re considering rounding the bases they’re really thinking about penis-stabbing Jesus.

Just as effective, Pastor John.

The problem here is that the delivery overwhelms the message. This is a sensitive subject, one where violent, hyperbolic images have no place. This isn’t Iraq, dude. Leave the Shock and Awe for the military.

People will remember your message, sure – but they won’t take it seriously. They’ll be too focused on how you just scarred them for life, and they’re never going to want to ask for your perspective again for fear of the next horrifying image you may conjure up.

Not good this time, John Piper. Not good.

“That was the worst day of my life,” says Walter Lincoln, a long time fan and a saintly Christian. “It was almost as if Amy [Grant] had died for real. I wept for a while, and then I just crushed my [Amy Grant] CDs with my Bible. It just weighed so heavily on my heart.” It was a dark day, indeed. Our sources tell us that on that day alone in 1999, 14 billion Amy Grant CDs and tapes were destroyed, most of them by ritualistic fire.* According to the RIAA, the demographic that most commonly purchased Amy Grant records changed after March 4th, 1999 from almost entirely Christian to mostly Satan worshippers.**

A ripe target for your holy hand grenade.

We surveyed a group of 1 million Christians on their opinions of Grant’s divorce and the results were significant, but not surprising. 78% said that Grant was “Likely never saved,” 91% said “Vince Gill is the devil incarnate,” and 135% said “’Baby, Baby’ is such a good song.” ***

Fred Phelps, the pastor of Westboro Baptist Church – commonly known for its God Hates Fags, God Hates America, and I’m Completely Insane organizations – had some wise insight regarding D-Day. “It shouldn’t be a day of mourning. It should be a day of celebration. That day, a sinner left the Church. That’s a good thing, y’all! Sinners don’t belong in our Churches, they belong in hell!”

Grant would not return our calls for an interview, likely busy with her new life of sin, but we used our patented Interview Simulator™ to suggest responses that Grant would probably have provided.

Us: Why did you divorce your husband?

Simulated Amy Grant:  Because I hate God. I am pro-choice.

Us: Isn’t divorce a sin?

Simulated Amy Grant: I love to sin. It is my favorite.

Us: Will you ever return to Christianity?

Simulated Amy Grant: Rachel Maddow is fun. I love Satan.

*Source not confirmed, but the odds are it’s true.

**Not actual data from RIAA. They know a lot about Satan though, right?

***We didn’t actually survey anyone.

And I also went up from my couch, in my living room, in apartment 113, to the mailboxes, which are over by the leasing office, to mailbox number 113 because I am of the apartment and mailbox #113.  Also, it was a Saturday and I wasn’t really doing anything else and whenever I don’t check my mailbox for a couple days it always fills up with junk mail until there’s hardly any room for important bills and stuff.

Arriving at mailbox 113, I discovered that the receptacle was indeed stuffed to the brim with Ralph’s coupons, credit card offers, Trader Joe’s flyers, and various other marketing miscellany.  The time had come to clear it out.  So I wrapped the junk mail together and stuffed a bunch of it in the outgoing mail slot, because there was no room for it in the trash can.  But before junking the junk mail, I was careful to extract the census form of which the Commerce Department had spoken.

And in the same region, later on that day, I was back on my couch keeping watch over the NCAA Tournament games at night.  When suddenly, a commercial from the government appeared before me and the sound of propaganda was all around me, and I was filled with confusion.

And the commercial said unto me, “Be not confused, for behold, I bring you good news of great appropriations which will be for all taxpayers.  For unto you is offered this day, from the city of Washington in the District of Columbia, a government distribution which is more than $400 million.  And this will be the sign unto you, you will find your census form, wrapped in an envelope and lying in your mailbox.”  And suddenly there was on the commercial a multitude of disembodied voices praising the census and saying,

“We can’t move forward, until you mail it back.  We can’t move forward, until you mail it back.”

When the commercial ended and a plug for Two and a Half Men appeared, I said to myself, “let me go over to the table and see this free-money form which the commercial has made known to me.”  And I went with haste and found the form lying on the table next to a box of Berry Berry Kix and beneath a copy of Sports Illustrated’s Swimsu …I mean…March Madness Preview.

I remembered the saying which I had heard concerning this form and was eager to discover the criteria by which the government doled out its blessed funding.  I made known to the form my birth date and skin color and was astonished to see that I was not questioned further.  Is that all that is necessary for the judicious appropriation of public monies?   What of my education?  What of my marketable skills, virtuous lifestyle, or community service experience?

In this manner it was made clear that personal merit is of no concern to the form.  As has been foretold since days long past, one cannot obtain the grace of the government through hard work and personal achievement.  It is only with one’s national descent that the government is concerned.

As the Reverend Jesse Jackson has rightly stated, “the government giveth and the government taketh away.  Blessed be the government and blessed be the Chicano, Filipino, Alaskan Native, Hmong, Laotian, and Pacific Islander with whom the government is well pleased.”

And all who heard of the form were greatly amazed and gave praise to their government for its unmerited favor.

But I treasured up all these things, pondering them in my heart.  (And on my website).