Yo Yo Yo Yo! What up playazzzz?! It’s the Chadman coming at you from sunny Des Moines, Iowa (or, as I like to call it, Des Moines-vegas)! Sorry I haven’t posted much in the last couple months. It’s hard to get an internet connection at bonfire parties, Toby Keith concerts, and your mom’s house – you know what I’m saying!!!
Needless to say, it’s been a pretty sick summer with enough Bud Light Limes, bikini tops, and body shots to drown a herd of midgets. Still though, I’m kind of looking forward to school starting again. I’m not saying I’m excited about getting back to class. (Do I look like a homo?) It’s just kind of annoying how people in Des Moines have no idea of how much ass I kick back at school.
Sounds crazy right? I mean, I go to a pretty big school that was ranked #3 best party school, #5 hottest chicks, and #1 most awesome. [Editors note: The final ranking has not been verified.] Yet somehow the semi-cute cashier at Ross hadn’t heard about Phi Theta Kappa’s epic St. Paddies Day foam/lingerie/jungle cat party. I made a joke about the time we ruined the Lambda doucher’s winter formal with a bunch of marshmallow Peep’s and bag full of ferrets and she just giggled and gave me her number. Where’s the respect? Where’s the appreciation for what I’ve accomplished? Read the full story
This is the third in an infinite part series about life after college. You can read the previous entries here and here.
With my recent migration from Chicago to California many aspects of my post-collegiate life have changed significantly. Not only did I trade gang violence for illegal immigration and political corruption for political incompetence, I also went from living with four guys in an enormous house (read: trash can) to living by myself in a tiny apartment (read: walk-in closet). This transition has been difficult. There is no longer an endless supply of toilet paper in the bathroom down the hall. Quandaries like, “should I eat three of my roommate’s four remaining eggs and be regarded as considerate or eat all four and hope they forget they ever had them?” are no longer relevant. Since the cable bill is no longer being split five ways, I now have to think twice before ordering “Confessions of a Shopaholic” twice in the same weekend. The list goes on.
I feel like that old dude in Shawshank who gets released on parole but ends up killing himself because he missed prison so much. I’m not suicidal or anything, I’m just having a difficult time adjusting to a life of functioning appliances and insect-free beds. I’ve been institutionalized and I’m sure I’m not alone. With that in mind, my third post-collegiate survival guide will provide pragmatic rules for navigating the trials, tribulations, and emotional traumas of solitary living. If you are married (i.e. taking the easy way out) you can go ahead and stop reading now. Read the full story
Hey what up sons! Chad, just here kickin it and doing some stupid homework for this Gen Ed class I have to take. It’s so, so lame. BRB I gotta shotgun a Natty before I start, hopefully it’ll get me through.
Alright, alright. I gotta “analyze” a poem. What the hell does that mean? I’m not an analyst, I’m a Phi Theta Kappa, bitch! Arggg… Whatevs man, let’s just get this done so I can go watch Anchorman with my frat brothers.
TO THE VIRGINS, TO MAKE MUCH OF TIME
by Robert Herrick
Virgins huh? Alright, alright. I like where your head is at Robbie.
GATHER ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying :
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying.
I guess this guy plants flowers or something to get virgins to like him. So I guess he’s saying, like, you better get that flower to that virgin chick before it dies or she’s gonna get with some other dude with a flower that is all alive or whatever. Good call with the flowers Robster, I’m gonna use that. Read the full story
This is Part 2 of an infinite part series. You can read Part 1 here.
1) If (and by “if” I mean “when”) you find yourself in a job you do not love, it is important to ensure your work performance never rises above mediocre. Doing above average work typically leads to more work being sent your way, and that is just the thing you are trying to avoid. Also, you want to avoid any company that lists “developing our people” as one of their values. “Developmental opportunity” is business jargon for “a way to get your underlings to do more of your work without having to increase their pay.” You just paid $100,000 for a college degree; you’re as developed as you’ll ever be. Read the full story
WHEATON (AP) – The Talking Mirror has received word that after three years of platonic male friendships, local college junior Sandra Williams is finally “one of the guys.” Sandra received the long-awaited news last week in the form of a flatulent emission made in her presence by Doug “D Dawg” Samuels while the two gorged on fried pork rinds and watched Borat.
“They’re always talking about farts and burps,” said Sandra, “and a couple times I’ve talked to Doug on the phone while he was going to the bathroom, but this is the first time one of the boys has actually farted in front of me. It’s kind of flattering.”
While Sandra has long answered to traditionally male monikers like “brah,” “broseph,” and “duder,” it wasn’t until she made an off-color joke during a visit to Lincoln Park Zoo’s primate exhibit that the guys realized she was one of them. Read the full story
CHARLESTON (AP) – Local 3rd grade teacher and 2007 college graduate Chad Thompson was quite literally speechless last weekend when he came to the shocking realization that he had exhausted his store of collegiate anecdotes.
Witnesses report that Thompson had just finished regaling the gathered crowd at Fellowship Baptist’s 4th Annual Singles BBQ with an engaging tale of a dorm prank involving his roommate, some traffic flares, and a bath tub full of grape Jello, when a look of utter helplessness overtook his face. Friends watched as Thompson shuffled over to the grill and spent the rest of the evening quietly downing jumbo franks and Dr. Thunders.
It was not until days later that Thompson finally broke the news to those close to him. Apartment mate Jack Wells expressed sadness, but not surprise. “He’s been slipping lately. I’ve heard a few repeats over the past several months, and he’s even started telling other people’s stories as his own. This is a day we’ll all have to face, but it doesn’t make it any easier. He still has so many years ahead of him.”
In an emailed statement to The Talking Mirror, Thompson expressed regret that he had somehow only managed to compile two years worth of stories during his five undergrad years at The University of West Virginia. “My kids are going to think I’m a complete lame-o,” said Thompson. “But, then again, without any charming tales of youthful antics, I’ll probably never be able to convince a woman to join me in holy matrimony. So maybe the kids won’t be a problem.”
Thompson blames his high school girlfriend, Sudoku, and Japanese anime for his shortage of sufficiently amusing anecdotes.
Thompson (far right) and friends, just moments before the incident.
Having received your objectionably accusatory, alcohol-soaked correspondence nearly a week ago today, I have thus seen it fit to provide you with a declarative defense, to be presented to you before the scrutinous gaze of the benevolent public, or, “they.” I trust that “they” will, in their pluralistic corporate sagacity, rend from me the violent vilifications which you have unjustly thrust upon me. “They” will see, after an objective investigation, that our quarrel has arisen from that dark, evil place that keeps Amy Winehouse in dire straits: misunderstanding.
Indeed, sir, I have spent much of my “sober” time at the gatherings which we both attended mocking you and your antics. I believe, however, that your accusations lack true empathy. You say that at once, you’ve “been” me? Then how can you blame me for wanting to openly mock the interpretive dance that you did to “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion? I realize that was fun for you, but for the sober bystander it was nothing short of an awesome spectacle.
Following a recent US News and World Report survey tracking the rise of campus activism, many Christian college students have taken to the streets to protest the “unchristianly divisive” practice of student protesting. Whether it’s global warming, global poverty, or African AIDS, left-swinging students can’t seem to get enough dissension on campus.
Christians, like Mary Davies, just can’t understand this derision. “Why can’t students accept the world the way God created it?” asks Davies, a library fiend and senior at Calvin. “Are we really to think that our plans for creation, or the poor, are better than God’s?” Read the full story
