Hey… Hey there, readers. How are you doing? I missed you. Did you miss me? It’s been a while, I know. No excuses, really. Life happens, and sometimes when it happens it looks like one of those Nascar wrecks where you see it and you say “there’s no way someone walked away from that.” Somehow they do though, and rednecks love them for it. That’s me right now. Thank God for redneck loyalty. I know our love can withstand this beating. Let’s just forgive each other.

What did you do wrong? Oh, of course. It’s all my fault, right? Up on that pedestal as usual. It takes two to tango, sweetheart, and I don’t recall you writing any humor recently. Not your job? Not your humor website? Don’t get into semantics with me. Look, the point is that I’m back now. I don’t want to waste one more second being mad at you for letting me abandon you. Shhhhh. It’s okay, you’re only human.

Glad that’s behind us. Read the full story

Popularity: 8% [?]

One: Seriously I Don’t Care.

Dear Mr. Smittenberg,

I guess I’d like to express my interest in the Entry Level Account Manager position I read about somewhere while I was probably doing something awesome. I’ve heard some pretty good stuff about your company from colleagues and friends; we’re talking really cool, powerful people. I’m sure you have probably heard of me by now, as no doubt one of my friends in your company has told you stories about how well I’ve performed at every job I’ve ever had.  Whatever though, it’s not like it matters to me anyway.

So I hear that your company, I forget what it’s called, bought some other company recently and that’s why you’re looking to hire on some help. I have some experience in recent acquisitions,  as my last position with Goldhammer-Brown Investments (you’ve heard of them, right?) dealt with this recent acquisition they had of Washington-Ellis Investments. I’m sure you read about that one in Investments Magazine, it made the cover of the September 2008 issue. I wasn’t there at the time of the article but if I had been they would have probably asked me for an interview. Anyway I’d probably be a huge help to your company during this transitional phase, but I honestly don’t need the job. I’ve got a lot on my plate right now.

If you feel like it, go ahead and review the enclosed resume and references.  If not, no biggie.  Just so you know though, the last guy I interviewed with said I was “very impressive.” I’m expecting him to call by sometime next week to offer me way more than the minimum they had posted. Just saying if you want it you’d better put a contract on it. Read the full story

Popularity: 6% [?]

Pardon me, but has anyone ever told you that your beard and long hair make you look exactly like Jesus? I think I saw your face on a piece of toast yesterday. Yes, that’s right. Jesus Christ, the Messiah. I just wanted to thank you for being a physical representation of the Son of Man. Correct, He was also known as King of the Jews. You’re not Jewish? That’s odd; I assumed you were since you so closely resemble Jesus of Nazareth. You have a doctorate in Middle Eastern Anthropology? I suppose my comparison resonates with you, then.

It doesn’t? Not even a little bit? Please, I welcome your counterpoint, although I fear it will be insufficient.

Walking Stigmata

What? That gentleman over there? No, of course he doesn’t look like the Pascal Lamb! Well, to start he’s clean shaven! No, he doesn’t look like you. Not at all. His hair is so short! Sure it’s the same color, fine. But still, I maintain that you look completely different, him having absolutely no resemblance to Jesus, the Rose of Sharon. Read the full story

Popularity: 19% [?]

Joe, Kevin, and Nick Jonas.  The names alone are enough to inspire envy, lust, wrath, and most of the remaining deadly sins.  In newspaper columns, entertainment blogs, and multi-colored notes passed during seventh period, this trio of troubadours has been called everything from “pre-pubescent harbingers of the apocalypse” to “OMG!  Sooooo hott!!”

Unfortunately, most of these knee-jerk professions of love and loathing are of little substance as they fail to first provide a context whereby we might understand ourselves in relation to The Jonas Brothers.  Pundits and pre-teens prattle on about peripheral issues like anti-intellectual lyrics, sequined vests, and dimples, while the boys’ influences and interests are entirely ignored.

Do not be fooled.  The Jonas Brothers are far more than just another experimental, avant-progressive noise band bursting onto the post-pop moonscape.  They are heirs to a storied rock and roll tradition with influences ranging from the Dance-Punk scene of late-1970s London to the earthy incantations of pre-colonial Africa. Read the full story

Popularity: 66% [?]

Judd Apatow

Film maker and cultural juggernaut Judd Apatow is mad.  And when Judd Apatow gets mad, children under the age of eighteen should be immediately removed from earshot.

“It’s bull****, man,” raves a wild-eyed Apatow, spittle dripping from his unkempt man-beard.  “Those ******s don’t know who they’re dealing with.”

The cause of this ire?  The Motion Picture Association of America’s rating of his upcoming film Sex, Swearing, and Seth Rogan starring Seth Rogan.  The film, as with all of Apatow’s previous works, has been given a “hard R” by the MPAA.   This marks the fifteenth consecutive R-rated film for Apatow – dating back to Su Madre es una Puta, a short film he made for his Spanish II class in high school – and Apatow has grown weary of the rating.

“We were really gunning for the NC-17 this time,” said Apatow. “Kids are getting filthier today, at an earlier age and it’s getting harder and harder to keep pace.  Used to be, kids didn’t even know what a %!@# was.  I heard a ten year-old call his mother that last week.”

Mr. Apatow – who is praised for his groundbreaking work in the fields of teenage drinking, teenage sex, teenage marijuana use, and genital jokes – says an R-rating today is equivalent, in terms of controversy, to most PG films in the late 90s. Read the full story

Popularity: 47% [?]