Mr. Jones and me… ba da dum dum dum da dum… Gawd I love this song. Is the singer Black? He could be from South America I guess… Like Puerto Rico maybe. Is that South America? Whatever, they all speak Spanish. His dreads are intense. I wish I had dreads. Man that would be so bad-A. I wonder if his dreads are what gives him that beautiful, chocolate pudding voice. Like Iron Man’s suit or something.

Man, this guy behind me is really following me close. I’d better step on my brakes to show him that I’d like for him to slow down. There you go buddy, see? Chill out. We’re all gonna get there eventually. Dang, he’s back up in my trunk again. What’s his problem? Speed limit is 45, I’m going 40! That’s plenty fast. Does he know what an accident at 40 miles per hour would do to your body? It would turn into a bloody violent mess. I guess he didn’t pay attention to those videos they showed us in driver’s ed. What was that called? Faces of death? No matter, that’s not gonna be me, bucko.

Alright, time to teach him a lesson. Just gonna ease down to 35 here to send a message to Mr. Speed Racer back there. Yeah, you noticed that didn’t you? Well I don’t respond well to tailgating. Now you see who the boss is, don’t you? Maybe next time you’ll appreciate 40 miles per hour when you have it. You don’t know what you got till it’s gone… Paved with some dice, with a foot on Marky’s cot. That’s a Counting Crows song too, right? Yeah it is. Marky’s cot… I wonder if he’s talking about Marky Mark Wahlberg.

Darnit, what is this guys problem? I can’t believe he’s flashing his headlights at me. I’m not gonna speed up. I’ve made that abundantly clear. You’ve been tailgating me, and now you have to deal with your punishment. Somebody has got to teach you how to be a safe driver. I bet you don’t even have your license, do you? I don’t even want to think about whether or not you have insurance.

Uh oh, that green light up there has been green for a while. I’d better slow down some more in case it decides to go red on me. Looky there! Better safe then sorry. It’s going yellow. Stop time. What is this guy’s deal? He’s honking at me and looking like he’s punching his car.

Seriously man, take a chill pill.

I love that saying. Chill pill. It rhymes, it makes sense, and it just rolls off the tongue. I need to get that on a t-shirt… Oh!  Or a bumper sticker! Oh man, that’d be hysterical.

Really though. Speeding is against the law. He should be thanking me for saving him from getting pulled over.  This is absurd. Sorry big guy, but this is a two lane road with solid lines in the middle. No passing. What in the heck? He’s trying to pass me! Alright 2 fast 2 furious, it’s time for me to awaken the beast that is the Chevrolet Aveo. Just gonna speed up enough to get him to realize that passing isn’t going to happen today… What? He just… Does he know what that finger means? I just… I can’t believe it.

Well just you wait, you jerk! What goes around comes around.

End Inner Monologue

An alternate inner monologue consists of the first 30 seconds of this song: