Apparently I was supposed to run my selection last night. What would a TTM birthday celebration be if it weren’t kind of half-assed? Exactly. Thanks for validating me. Anyway, this one here is one of my favorites from the Coping Guide series. You know these kinds of people. I know these kinds of people. Hell, you might even be this kind of person. No matter who you are, this bad boy is guaranteed to make you shoot mucus-laden chocolate milk out of your nose and/or your ass. Enjoy.

Isn’t love amazing? It really is. Nothing else like it. Not even drugs. It’s a rare and beautiful thing when you finally meet that special someone. Who knows where cupid struck you both with his arrow? Maybe you had a class together. Maybe you met through a friend. Maybe you met on Myspace. Whatever the medium upon which your personal Romeo and Juliet began (except without the mutual suicide!), I’m sure you’ve experienced just how hard it is to keep that fireball of romance to yourself. Luckily for you, we here at The Talking Mirror are in the self-help business and have come up with a guide just for you and your boo bear.*

Step One: Always Maintain Physical Contact
No matter what happens, never forget this step. Your love will explode into a dust of broken promises and insecurities you never knew you could have. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, whoever you’re with; none of it matters. The rule always applies. You must always be touching each other. It doesn’t have to be normal or even practical. It just has to be. Common examples:

The “arm around the waist even while walking, running, swimming, or sitting.” This is a pretty common choice amongst the love-stricken. Keep your arm around your lover’s waist no matter how inconvenient it may get, even as you try to run up the escalator or go through airport security. If you don’t, they will disappear instantly. Guaranteed. Read the full story

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This is the third in an infinite part series about life after college.  You can read the previous entries here and here.

With my recent migration from Chicago to California many aspects of my post-collegiate life have changed significantly.  Not only did I trade gang violence for illegal immigration and political corruption for political incompetence, I also went from living with four guys in an enormous house (read: trash can) to living by myself in a tiny apartment (read: walk-in closet).  This transition has been difficult.  There is no longer an endless supply of toilet paper in the bathroom down the hall.  Quandaries like, “should I eat three of my roommate’s four remaining eggs and be regarded as considerate or eat all four and hope they forget they ever had them?” are no longer relevant.  Since the cable bill is no longer being split five ways, I now have to think twice before ordering “Confessions of a Shopaholic” twice in the same weekend.  The list goes on.

I feel like that old dude in Shawshank who gets released on parole but ends up killing himself because he missed prison so much.  I’m not suicidal or anything, I’m just having a difficult time adjusting to a life of functioning appliances and insect-free beds.  I’ve been institutionalized and I’m sure I’m not alone.  With that in mind, my third post-collegiate survival guide will provide pragmatic rules for navigating the trials, tribulations, and emotional traumas of solitary living.  If you are married (i.e. taking the easy way out) you can go ahead and stop reading now. Read the full story

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Wut up skankz its Fratboy Chad. One of my broz tagged me on this one word thing on FB so here it izzzzzzzzz

type only ONE word answers
It’s harder than you think. Here is what you are supposed to do…and please don’t spoil the fun…copy and paste into your own note, type in your answers and tag a bunch of people – including me.

Where is your cell phone? solocup
Your hair? whatever
Your father? douche
Your favorite thing? natty
Your dream last night? boobs
Your favorite drink? natty
Your dream/goal? cash
The room you are in? pimp
Your fear? GAY
Where you want to be in 6 years? drunk
Muffins? boobs?
One of your wish list items? whisky
Where you grew up? des moines!
The last thing you did? party
What are you wearing? nothin
Your tv? kardashians
Your pets? bitches
Your life? badass
Your mood? chill
Missing someone? yermom
Your car? NEON
Favorite store? spencers
Your summer? crunk
Your favorite color? lite
When is the last time you laughed? what?
Last time you cried? never
Favorite song? t.i.
Favorite band? nickleback
Favorite Movie? gladiator
Person who emailed you last? bro
Favorite food? natty
Place you would rather be right now? party
Person you think will respond? yermom

Popularity: 51% [?]

Me and wife #12 (or was she 13?).

1. First, let’s get this straight – I do not look like a Chinese person.  I’m sick and tired of these modern depictions.  I look exactly like the love child of Vladimir Putin and a very fair-skinned half-Eskimo. Screw Wikipedia and their stupid picture on my bio.
2. I hate Wikipedia.
3. I did not come up with the name “Golden Horde” – I think that sounds pretty gay, like we were on a Pride March or something.  We weren’t.  We raped and pillaged, and every now and then a man may have accidentally got raped.  There’s really no way to know.
4. I’m completely aware that my first name “Temujin” is ridiculous. Aware enough that I killed my father for being dumb enough to pick that name and cause me a childhood full of schoolyard grief.  You don’t need to bring it up, trust me.
5. No, my son’s name “Ogedei” is not as bad as “Temujin.”
6. I think Ukraine is the closest thing to a national urinal you’ll find outside of Africa.
7. I take full responsibility for how crappy Mongolia is today.
8. I take no responsibility for the contemporary problems of Central Asia. That is ALL on the Soviets.
9. I think it’s funny the Chinese spent eight centuries building their wall with millions of people dying in the process.  Me and my boys got across (with horses, mind you) in less than 2 days.
10. My biggest regret is that I never learned how to play the guitar.
11. I did not lose my virginity until I was 13, and that was a very late age back then.  She was 24, red-headed, and shared my tickle fetish.
12. I’ve never met a person I like as much as I like Bic med/moy pens.
13. Where does Japan get off?  I mean really.
14. I never feel sexier than when my hair is up in a pony tail.
15. Genocide is underrated for its effectiveness.
16. Last five artists I listened to on my iPod?  DCTalk, Elvis, David Bowie, Cyndi Lauper, and The Cure.  Related Note: the 80s – great for my iPod, but apparently really tough on Disney movies.  I don’t understand what they were thinking… Tron? Who Framed Roger Rabbit? The Great Mouse Detective?  I guess they finally pulled it together with Little Mermaid, but up ’til then, what a mess!
17. I don’t believe in the “too soon” statute of comedy limitation.  If Heath Ledger and 9/11 jokes are ever going to be funny, they’re always funny.
18. The word “Eurasia” nauseates me to the point of brelching. Related Note: brelching is my word for a burp that culminates with a tiny amount of vomit coming up the very back of the throat, causing a burning sensation in the back of the mouth, nose, and eyes, depending on the severity of the brelch.
19. I voted for Perot both times.  I’m also committed to the belief that 9/11 was an inside job.
20. Almost all women have two X chromosomes, but my wife had three. Look it up, it’s real.  To top it off, I had an extra Y chromosome. This means going into each of our children there was an XXX and an XYY.  I can’t believe we didn’t give birth to some kind of three-armed mutant, but we didn’t.  This fear occupied practically my entire prayer life.
21. I think American Idol gets progressively better each new season. I do think Sanjaya was a plant, and this grieves me. Carrie Underwood’s “Jesus Take the Wheel” makes me cry almost every time.
22. Most of the posts on my Facebook wall are from fake profiles I have created to make people think I have friends.
23. My scientists may or may not have accidentally created what you people call the “Black Death.”
24. I think music piracy degrades us all, weakening and demeaning the art.  Piracy on the high seas, however, is a whole different bunch of bananas.
25. I passed the bong to Michael Phelps.

TAGGED!!!
Howard Stern
Anna Nicole Smith
Benjamin Franklin
Julia Roberts
The Little Engine That Could

Contributed by a faithful reader and occasional collaborator who has requested to remain anonymous so as not to jeopardize his lucrative drug trafficking business.  Many thanks.

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Okay okay, I know it’s been a while since you tagged me Hill! Get off it! Here are my (not so) interesting 25…

1. When I was little, I used to dream of running for President, but the job just seems like such a headache.

2. I think I have one of those names that will go down in the history books. I think it’s the fact that I go by my full name and the monosyllabic forcefulness of each is simply haunting. In a good way.

3. I have this problem… Happens to me all the time. It’s a five letter word… S-H-A-R-T Read the full story

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Wanna talk about I
Wanna talk about number one
Oh my me my

Haha love that song. SO, 25 things about me. Love it bitchezzzzz:

1. When I was in seventh grade, a few friends and I were on a girl scout’s camping trip in the Adirondacks. I had a .22 rifle and wanted to hunt for squirrels. I asked a few girls to come along, and they agreed under the condition that I not shoot a “baby” squirrel. “Typical,” I thought, but not wanting to hunt alone I conceded and off we went. The girls were foraging for berries when we all heard a rustling in the shrubs ahead and stopped dead. One of the girls, Carole, started whimpering. The rustling became a stomping. Someone said the word “bear” and I trained the rifle in the direction of the approaching noise. All at once there was a crash, and before I knew it I had fired a shot. The shape of a black-and-red flanneled hunter fell out of the bushes and thumped to the ground. Someone screamed. Recognizing the pandemonium that was about to ensue, I took action and held the rifle to Carole’s head, then swore every girl there to silence. I organized a recovery team, made up of Susan and Beth, to drag the corpse to a nearby lake. And the whole matter was over in time for smores. Read the full story

Popularity: 41% [?]