Isn’t love amazing? It really is. Nothing else like it. Not even drugs. It’s a rare and beautiful thing when you finally meet that special someone. Who knows where cupid struck you both with his arrow? Maybe you had a class together. Maybe you met through a friend. Maybe you met on Myspace. Whatever the medium upon which your personal Romeo and Juliet began (except without the mutual suicide!), I’m sure you’ve experienced just how hard it is to keep that fireball of romance to yourself. Luckily for you, we here at The Talking Mirror are in the self-help business and have come up with a guide just for you and your boo bear.*

Step One: Always Maintain Physical Contact
No matter what happens, never forget this step. Your love will explode into a dust of broken promises and insecurities you never knew you could have. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, whoever you’re with; none of it matters. The rule always applies. You must always be touching each other. It doesn’t have to be normal or even practical. It just has to be. Common examples:

The “arm around the waist even while walking, running, swimming, or sitting.” This is a pretty common choice amongst the love-stricken. Keep your arm around your lover’s waist no matter how inconvenient it may get, even as you try to run up the escalator or go through airport security. If you don’t, they will disappear instantly. Guaranteed.

The “constant hand-hold.” While more subtle than the arm around the waist, the hand-hold is no less dedicated. No matter what happens, you never let go of that hand. Got sweaty palms? Tough crap, son. You think love is for the weak? Let me tell you, it’s not. Walking through a crowd? You hold on for dear life. What if you get separated?! I… I can’t even bear the thought. Do whatever you have to in order to maintain the hand-hold. Clothes-hang a passer-by, knock over a food stand, step directly on the neck of a puppy – it doesn’t matter. You know what matters? Never letting go. If you let go, they’ll know that you don’t love them anymore and never did.

The “touch, just because.” This move really only belongs in a sitting position and ideally when you’re with a large group of people that obviously don’t know enough about how much you love each other. First, you must be sitting next to each other. Gosh, that was a dumb thing for me to tell you to do! There’s no way two people in love could ever sit anywhere but next to each other! You knew that. Sorry. Anyway, the important part is to try to stay within reason while still maintaining contact. A hand on the knee, shoulders touching, hand affectionately scratching the back, or toes intertwined: take your pick, it’s all golden and will ensure that your love will stay alive forever and ever and ever and ever.

Step Two: Constantly be Together
Remember when you weren’t in love? I know, me neither! But seriously, try to imagine. You were one person. Three weeks later, you’re in love. Know what you are now? A two person unit. Friends wanna hang out? They get the packaged deal. All or nothing, ladies and gentlemen. These two hearts are now one heart. Know what happens if they separate? They freaking die. And it’s bloody. Nobody wants that. Maybe you’re still in high school or college. Guess what? It’s time to go visit your adviser/counselor to make sure you have all the same classes. And, as we said before, you obviously have to sit next to each other. Maybe you’re at a party. Do you mingle with the other guests? Do you go downstairs to play Rock Band with the bro’s? Do you use the restroom? Absolutely not. You sit or stand together in one section of the party for the entirety of your stay. If people want to talk to you, they can come to you. You should also leave the party relatively early because you “had plans,” which should mean that you’re going to snuggle up on the couch and watch Scrubs on DVD.

Step Three: Let the World (Internet) Know
It’s time to show the entire world just how much you love each other via the intertron.

3.1) First and foremost, update your Facebook and Myspace relationship statuses. If you don’t do this, your relationship is a lie.
3.2) Next, change your profile picture to one that features you and your soul mate. This can be any sort of picture – laughing together, making silly faces using your macbook’s camera, or maybe a formal pose from prom or homecoming or when you went to see High School Musical. There’s one profile picture that trumps them all, though. It will tell the world that your love is so lovey and warm and real and eternal that really, no one else could understand it. What is it, you ask? The kissing picture. That’s right. You get some lucky bystander to snap a pic of you two smooching and make that your profile picture. Trust me. The second anyone sees that picture they’ll say to themselves “Wow. That’s not nauseating at all. That’s beautiful. That’s the kind of love I wish I had.”
3.3) And finally, it’s time to post affectionate things on each other’s walls. The following are real life examples from people whose love obviously conquers all, even grammar and spelling.

so i kinda sorta maybe rEAllY love YOU! miss you boo. 3 weeks and counting….1 year and 53 days and counting till something else and HAPPY four months. gah, i love you boo. xoxo*

go to bed you drunkbutttttt. i’m still up! oh man ,i shouldnt have drank that code red. hope you are sleeping soundly as i’m sure you are. you are a funnyyybunnny. love you boo bear.*

remember that one time you were in osh kosh (bi gosh) and i missed you a lot cuz you were super busy? ya, well i’m glad thats in the past and i get to talk to you for HOURS today :) i love you babe. miss you (13 days!)*

As you can tell, this kind of love-laced poetry cannot be fictionalized. It can only be inspired. If you follow this guide, you too can hope to one day achieve this, the highest level of romantic nirvana. Tune in next week for another guide to coping with something that you obviously need help coping with.

*Denotes direct, vomit-inducing quotes.

With my recent migration from Chicago to California many aspects of my post-collegiate life have changed significantly.  Not only did I trade gang violence for illegal immigration and political corruption for political incompetence, I also went from living with four guys in an enormous house (read: trash can) to living by myself in a tiny apartment (read: walk-in closet).  This transition has been difficult.  There is no longer an endless supply of toilet paper in the bathroom down the hall.  Quandaries like, “should I eat three of my roommate’s four remaining eggs and be regarded as considerate or eat all four and hope they forget they ever had them?” are no longer relevant.  Since the cable bill is no longer being split five ways, I now have to think twice before ordering “Confessions of a Shopaholic” twice in the same weekend.  The list goes on.

I feel like that old dude in Shawshank who gets released on parole but ends up killing himself because he missed prison so much.  I’m not suicidal or anything, I’m just having a difficult time adjusting to a life of functioning appliances and insect-free beds.  I’ve been institutionalized and I’m sure I’m not alone.  With that in mind, my third post-collegiate survival guide will provide pragmatic rules for navigating the trials, tribulations, and emotional traumas of solitary living.  If you are married (i.e. taking the easy way out) you can go ahead and stop reading now.

1)      Put some pants on.  I know you don’t have to, but do it because you want to.  You will go days on end without meaningful human contact.  Pants are all you have left.  Thanks to advances in modern science, pants are one of the few remaining things that separate us from monkeys and lower-form humans.  With movies like Dunsten Checks In and Mighty Joe Young becoming increasingly prevalent, this won’t last long.  Enjoy your remaining connection to the human race while it lasts.  Put on some pants.

2)      Standing shirtless in front of the kitchen sink eating a raw hotdog does not count as “dinner.”  Sure it’s delicious, but can’t you at least microwave it first?  Why not chop it up into some ramen or mash it up with some Corn Flakes or something?  Sit down.  Put a shirt on (I feel weird having to tell you to put clothes on for a second time).  Use some sort of utensil.  The fact that you have the social life of a toddler doesn’t mean you have to eat like one.  Get a hold of yourself, man.

3)      Talking to yourself and/or yelling at made-for-TV movies is normal and acceptable behavior.  Talking to your appliances and lunch sandwiches is not.  I agree the toaster did a commendable job of toasting that bread.  You don’t have to thank it.  That’s what it’s there for.  Similarly, that PB&J knows it will be delicious when you have it for lunch tomorrow.  You don’t need to tell it how excited you are about eating it.  It, unlike you, is not struggling with an unfulfilled love language.

4)      It’s okay to go through the drive-thru twice because you were enjoying the first “conversation” you’d had all day.  It is, however, considered good form to order something different on the second lap.  This way, the girl at the window can make herself believe it was an honest mistake –for the third day in a row.

5)      Facebook can be a healthy diversion and welcome reminder that you used to have friends.  There are, however, some unacceptable activities.  These include: going back to September 2006 and reading everything posted to your wall in the past three years, creating a fake profile and using it to post comments on your wall about the “bitchin time the gang had last weekend,” and “liking” anything.  (Note: this is more of a general exhortation for all to follow.)  Some additional rules: You should not use Facebook if you’ve been drinking (or crying).  You should not get on Facebook if you are within 100 miles of your high school yearbooks.  Facebook should never be visited within 24-hours of watching “Can’t Hardly Wait.”  Remember, some people can handle their Facebook; you cannot.  Restraint is the only way you’re going to survive.

Wut up skankz its Fratboy Chad. One of my broz tagged me on this one word thing on FB so here it izzzzzzzzz

type only ONE word answers
It’s harder than you think. Here is what you are supposed to do…and please don’t spoil the fun…copy and paste into your own note, type in your answers and tag a bunch of people – including me.

Where is your cell phone? solocup
Your hair? whatever
Your father? douche
Your favorite thing? natty
Your dream last night? boobs
Your favorite drink? natty
Your dream/goal? cash
The room you are in? pimp
Your fear? GAY
Where you want to be in 6 years? drunk
Muffins? boobs?
One of your wish list items? whisky
Where you grew up? des moines!
The last thing you did? party
What are you wearing? nothin
Your tv? kardashians
Your pets? bitches
Your life? badass
Your mood? chill
Missing someone? yermom
Your car? NEON
Favorite store? spencers
Your summer? crunk
Your favorite color? lite
When is the last time you laughed? what?
Last time you cried? never
Favorite song? t.i.
Favorite band? nickleback
Favorite Movie? gladiator
Person who emailed you last? bro
Favorite food? natty
Place you would rather be right now? party
Person you think will respond? yermom

Me and wife #12 (or was she 13?).

1. First, let’s get this straight – I do not look like a Chinese person.  I’m sick and tired of these modern depictions.  I look exactly like the love child of Vladimir Putin and a very fair-skinned half-Eskimo. Screw Wikipedia and their stupid picture on my bio.
2. I hate Wikipedia.
3. I did not come up with the name “Golden Horde” – I think that sounds pretty gay, like we were on a Pride March or something.  We weren’t.  We raped and pillaged, and every now and then a man may have accidentally got raped.  There’s really no way to know.
4. I’m completely aware that my first name “Temujin” is ridiculous. Aware enough that I killed my father for being dumb enough to pick that name and cause me a childhood full of schoolyard grief.  You don’t need to bring it up, trust me.
5. No, my son’s name “Ogedei” is not as bad as “Temujin.”
6. I think Ukraine is the closest thing to a national urinal you’ll find outside of Africa.
7. I take full responsibility for how crappy Mongolia is today.
8. I take no responsibility for the contemporary problems of Central Asia.That is ALL on the Soviets.
9. I think it’s funny the Chinese spent eight centuries building their wall with millions of people dying in the process.  Me and my boys got across (with horses, mind you) in less than 2 days.
10. My biggest regret is that I never learned how to play the guitar.
11. I did not lose my virginity until I was 13, and that was a very late age back then.  She was 24, red-headed, and shared my tickle fetish.
12. I’ve never met a person I like as much as I like Bic med/moy pens.
13. Where does Japan get off?  I mean really.
14. I never feel sexier than when my hair is up in a pony tail.
15. Genocide is underrated for its effectiveness.
16. Last five artists I listened to on my iPod?  DCTalk, Elvis, David Bowie, Cyndi Lauper, and The Cure.  Related Note: the 80s – great for my iPod, but apparently really tough on Disney movies.  I don’t understand what they were thinking… Tron? Who Framed Roger Rabbit? The Great Mouse Detective?  I guess they finally pulled it together with Little Mermaid, but up ’til then, what a mess!
17. I don’t believe in the “too soon” statute of comedy limitation.  If Heath Ledger and 9/11 jokes are ever going to be funny, they’re always funny.
18. The word “Eurasia” nauseates me to the point of brelching.Related Note: brelching is my word for a burp that culminates with a tiny amount of vomit coming up the very back of the throat, causing a burning sensation in the back of the mouth, nose, and eyes, depending on the severity of the brelch.
19. I voted for Perot both times.  I’m also committed to the belief that 9/11 was an inside job.
20. Almost all women have two X chromosomes, but my wife had three. Look it up, it’s real.  To top it off, I had an extra Y chromosome.This means going into each of our children there was an XXX and an XYY.  I can’t believe we didn’t give birth to some kind of three-armed mutant, but we didn’t.  This fear occupied practically my entire prayer life.
21. I think American Idol gets progressively better each new season.I do think Sanjaya was a plant, and this grieves me.Carrie Underwood’s “Jesus Take the Wheel” makes me cry almost every time.
22. Most of the posts on my Facebook wall are from fake profiles I have created to make people think I have friends.
23. My scientists may or may not have accidentally created what you people call the “Black Death.”
24. I think music piracy degrades us all, weakening and demeaning the art.  Piracy on the high seas, however, is a whole different bunch of bananas.
25. I passed the bong to Michael Phelps.

TAGGED!!!
Howard Stern
Anna Nicole Smith
Benjamin Franklin
Julia Roberts
The Little Engine That Could

Contributed by a faithful reader and occasional collaborator who has requested to remain anonymous so as not to jeopardize his lucrative drug trafficking business.  Many thanks.

Okay okay, I know it’s been a while since you tagged me Hill! Get off it! Here are my (not so) interesting 25…

1. When I was little, I used to dream of running for President, but the job just seems like such a headache.

2. I think I have one of those names that will go down in the history books. I think it’s the fact that I go by my full name and the monosyllabic forcefulness of each is simply haunting. In a good way.

3. I have this problem… Happens to me all the time. It’s a five letter word… S-H-A-R-T

4. I absolutely LOVE the theatre. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE ITTTTT

5. Seriously. Biggest pet peeve: Talking in the theatre or keeping your hat on in front of me. You won’t like me when I’m angry!

6. The word “probe” makes me uncomfortable.

7. Chocolate matters.

8. Guns don’t kill people; God kills people through people with guns. I have a gun.

9. I used to make up sins during confession, and then I at the end of confession, I would add, “I lied.” It always worked.

10. There are two things I can’t tolerate: one is intolerance. The other is waiting in line.

11. I love baking. It’s a true passion of mine; I think cookies could change the world.

12. My favorite book ever is The Catcher In The Rye. I really think Salinger nails kids…I didn’t mean it like that.

13. I’m totally addicted to Grey’s Anatomy – I know, I’m awful.

14. I don’t believe in tacos. They don’t exist.

15. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always loved jumping off of things. Rooftops, cliffs, you name it, I’ll jump off of it.

16. My friends commonly criticize me for running from the consequences of my actions.

17. I’m a sucker for emoticons!

18. I don’t have very good aim. My dad once told me I couldn’t hit a cantaloupe from five feet away… but he was also abusive. ;(

19. JUST KIDDING! Love my dad. I bet you were all thinking “Whoa dude, TMI Mr. emotional!” :~}

20. I sing in the shower… Disney songs, but sometimes I branch out and go Off-Broadway – now, that’s risky business!!

21. I have this weird fear of ropes.  I used to feel the same way in the shower room after gym. I don’t know – just a thing, I guess.

22. I’m kind of a horse whisperer.

23. I’m super patriotic, but like, in my own way. It’s hard to explain, but I would risk everything to preserve the sanctity of life. Pro-choice can suck it! :

24. I’m a lover, not a fighter.

25. Big fan of the Bourne Trilogy. Kind of my secret dream life.

There you go… now it’s ur turn!

<3, Johnny

TAGGED!

Link the Hero of Hyrule

Dennis Rodman

Gengis Khan

Charlie Brown

Alvin the Chipmunk

A special thanks to Christian Gonzalez for writing at least 50% of this article. You’re a good man.

Haha love that song. SO, 25 things about me. Love it bitchezzzzz:

1. When I was in seventh grade, a few friends and I were on a girl scout’s camping trip in the Adirondacks. I had a .22 rifle and wanted to hunt for squirrels. I asked a few girls to come along, and they agreed under the condition that I not shoot a “baby” squirrel. “Typical,” I thought, but not wanting to hunt alone I conceded and off we went. The girls were foraging for berries when we all heard a rustling in the shrubs ahead and stopped dead. One of the girls, Carole, started whimpering. The rustling became a stomping. Someone said the word “bear” and I trained the rifle in the direction of the approaching noise. All at once there was a crash, and before I knew it I had fired a shot. The shape of a black-and-red flanneled hunter fell out of the bushes and thumped to the ground. Someone screamed. Recognizing the pandemonium that was about to ensue, I took action and held the rifle to Carole’s head, then swore every girl there to silence. I organized a recovery team, made up of Susan and Beth, to drag the corpse to a nearby lake. And the whole matter was over in time for smores.

2. I make a strong first impression. You either like me, or you don’t.

3. I love my kitten Darlene. She is my baby girl.

4. Come between me and my Sour Patch Kids and I will END YOU.  *kiss face*.

5. I love my Dad and he is the most important person to me in the world.

6. Despite what people ASSume (lol, always remember that saying, “When you assume you make an ASS out of U and ME!”), beneath my “powerful woman” exterior is not a wounded woman but rather a steel core of stick-to-it-ivity.

7. Eggplant. Gross. Seriously.

8. I absolutely adore the saxophone. Every time I hear it I want to live my vida loca. A saxophone in the right hands is like a magic wand, just say hocus and I’ll want to pocus! RAH LA LA!! haha *sticks tongue out*

9. Whenever I’m writing my speeches (YES I write my own, h8ters) I listen to Jock Jams 4. Best J.J. album yet.

10. I do have regrets.

11. I’m SUCH a bitch when I eat out at restaurants, and my friends get so embarrassed. But I simply do not take attitude from waitresses.

12. One of my biggest regrets right now is that my daughter doesn’t respect me enough to trust my decisions.

12. I love my LADIES and I would not be who I am without them. My friends are HOTTER than yours!! (ps: uh, can anyone say sb2k9 MIAMI?! holla!)

13. Some people go inward with their hurt. Like, if they receive harsh criticism, they’ll ask to be excused and maybe cry about it in the shower later that night. I process my hurt outwardly.

14. I was listening to Regina Spektor’s “Samson” when I realized that I couldn’t live without Bill and I had to take him back.

15. “Your hair was long, when we first met…” — Every time.

16. At the end of Garden State, when they’re staring into the abyss, I always get chills. It just hits me so hard, you know. It’s like, this is it, you know? This infinity, this moment is eternal and yet it doesn’t even exist. Such a brilliant film.

17. I honestly regret that I’ve clearly made choices that have somehow made my own daughter not trust me enough to make my own decisions about my medications.

18. I find yoga to be pornographic.

19. I really don’t think I’ll die alone. Statistically, it’s just not that likely for me.

20. I have the WEIRDEST dreams. My staff cannot get enough of the crazy stuff I tell them!

21. I guess more than anything, I regret that my daughter seems to believe she knows more about modern pharmaceuticals than my friend Jeff, who is a DOCTOR and who, contrary to what her skank friend Angela says, I have NOT been meeting at the YMCA.

22. I don’t sweat the small stuff. Life’s too short. Gotta smell those roses, gotta stop and smell ‘em yup yup.

23. I kill drifters.

24. J/K! Did I get ya?

25. Whenever I hear spontaneously erupting choruses of “Go-bama, go-bama, go-bama” inside the White House I just smile to myself, a secret smile all my own, and I say, “No. This is good. This is so good, Hil baby. You’ve got all the time in the world.”

TAGGED!!!!
Sarah Palin
Joel Osteen
Papa Smurf
Moby-Dick
John Wilkes Booth