“It’s about time there’s a Web portal aimed at large Hasidim like myself. I applaud the launch of TheBigJew.com, and hope it will prosper!”
– Michael Colton, Co-Founder, Modern Humorist

You can check out the site by clicking here, or the link in our blogroll, or the other link at the bottom of this article.

Enjoy.

TO: Tom (My current boss)

I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.

– Kent (the guy with the funny ties)

TO: Cheryl (My high school guidance counselor)

I’d like to add you to my professional network of people on LinkedIn who thought I’d be dead by now.

– Kent

TO: Susan (My old boss at JoAnn’s Fabrics)

I’d like to add you to my professional network of past employers on LinkedIn who were unaware that I was spending most of my time at work jousting with curtain rods and fitting myself for capes.

– Kent

TO: Sam Jones

I’d like to add you to my professional network of college graduates on LinkedIn whose future in advertising depends largely on whether or not I have courtside seats at The Garden this Saturday.

– Kent

TO: Britney Cooper

I’d like to add you to my professional network of emotionally stunted human resource professionals on LinkedIn who – coincidentally – were also the inspiration for my Facebook status yesterday afternoon when it read “Kent Woodyard thinks some people need to get over themselves.”

– Kent

TO: Stephen, David, Josh, and Adam

I’d like to add you to my professional network of former college roommates on LinkedIn who were supposed to open a liquor store/sushi bar/off-track betting facility with me but decided instead to get married or deported and – as a result – had to abandon their childhood dreams, thereby forcing me to do the same.

– Kent

TO: Kelly McFarland

I’d like to add you to my professional network of campus recruiters on LinkedIn who I’m sure are now regretting their decision to let a mild case of Tourettes and a few good-natured ethnic slurs come between The Walt Disney Company and a top-notch applicant for the marketing analyst position.

– Kent

TO: Michael, Gary, and Mark

I’d like to add you to my professional network of coworkers on LinkedIn whose inability to “take one for the team” and “loan me the company credit card” will likely result in an uncharitable portrayal in my professional memoirs.

– Kent

Click here to read the rest of the article.

Unlike all of our other hilariously awesome articles, this one actually serves to provide you with useful information about our website.

First: TWITTER!

Are you one of those maniacs that LOVES twittering (twitting, tweeting?), you can do so WITH The Talking Mirror!!!!! OMG!!!

Our Twitter: TalkingMirror

Follow us! We run funny ideas on Twitter that may never make it to the site.

Second: CafePress!!

http://www.cafepress.com/talkingmirror

That’s right, we’re breaking into the wide world of merchandising. Wondering how you can do your part to stimulate the economy besides buying meth from that one kid that works at Wendy’s? Buy one of our shirts. The design is below. I saw a similar design on my friend’s FB page and I thought “that would be a good shirt.” And here it is:

Third: New Content Schedule

Kent and I have been busting our beautiful asses to bring you new content 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year, for… gosh, what’s it been? Right, like 6 months. Anyway, we’ve decided that rather than overload you with content that might be lackluster anyway, we’re going to run new articles every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Typically we run new content late the night before, in case you want to reload the site over and over again until the new stuff pops up. It’s okay to be obsessed with us, we’re not bothered by it. We like it when you stalk us.

And Finally: Social Media Prostitution

Are you friends with either of us on Facebook? If you are, you’ll notice Kent and I have been whoring our statuses and walls out for The Talking Mirror for a long time. Don’t ever expect to read “Conor is watching the new episode of LOST! WTF!” or “Kent just finished Twilight and can’t stop crying.” No, no, there will always be a link there to the site and some kind of comment trying to get you to click it. Sounds pretty cool, right? Don’t you want to do that to your Facebook profile/Myspace profile/Twitter/Car windshield? I hope you do.

You can also join our Facebook Fan Page here:

http://www.new.facebook.com/pages/The-Talking-Mirror/95546200423

There you can see if new content is up, socialize with other brilliant fans of TTM, and even post your thoughts and ideas for Kent and I to gobble up as we thirst for your approval. Love me, Love me. Say that you love me.

Thanks for reading, and keep coming back and spreading the word. Our hits keep going up month by month, and that only happens because of well versed, attractive, educated people like you. Keep up the good work you champions.

Al Roker salutes you.

cheers.
-conor.

Can I talk to you for five minutes about why the internet is a bad idea?  Three words: comment enabled websites.

For millennia, the plebian masses desiring to consume media of any kind – be it newspapers, radio programs, Papyrus scrolls, or minstrel bands – were nothing more than receptacles for the information doled out by the wise and benevolent media overlords.  It was widely believed that the forebears of modern web-surfers had opinions, but for the most part they mercifully kept those opinions to themselves.  Not anymore.

As the internet has expanded in breadth and influence, the proprietors of many popular sites (including this one) have decided to turn their collective back on historical tradition and Natural Law by creating venues for dialogue between the creators of media and the slack-jawed simpletons consuming it.  Thus were user comment sections born.  The result has left people everywhere (and by “people everywhere” I mean “me”) disgusted, disillusioned, and a bit depressed.

Turns out, the overwhelming majority of people with internet access are inarticulate, misanthropic pricks with a surplus of time but a deficit of brain activity.  This revelation would likely have come as no surprise to previous generations.  People have long suspected that the whole of humanity outside their immediate social circle was a petty, uncharitable lot of malcontents with nary a decent thing to say about anyone.  This is evidenced in ancient texts like the Hindu Upanishads, the epic of Gilgamesh, and the Biblical story of Noah.  Yet only now can we see how accurate these ageless tales of suspicion and ethnocentrism were.

Have you ever read the comments on Youtube videos or Facebook group walls?  Some of the more popular Youtube videos have over 200,000 comments!  Of those 200,000 comments, however, perhaps 30 address the root video/article/post.  The rest are an assortment of profane ad hominems, racially offensive non sequitors, and vociferous accusations of homosexuality.  Even videos as harmless as that “Charlie Bit Me” one and groups as noble as Save Darfur manage to elicit hateful diatribes from some of the angriest people you will ever have the misfortune of encountering.      Observe the lifespan of the average comment section:

• Comment Stage 1: I like this.
• Comment Stage 2: I hate this
• Comment Stage 3: I hate you.
• Comment Stage 4: I hate Christians/Republicans.
• Comment Stage 5: The only thing I hate more than minorities, gays, and Europeans is this video/article/post and the other commenters on this site.
• Comment Stage 6: I think you guys are all terrible people and are getting way too worked up about this.
• Comment Stage 7: I am amused by your failure to follow rudimentary principles of grammar and/or punctuation and will commence in mocking you.

The above progression is accurate for 75% of all comment pages, and the window it opens into the blackened human heart is far more disturbing than anything Kierkegaard or Kant, with their fancy-shmancy systems of ethics and metaphysics, could have predicted.

Behold the modern man: He sits at the controls of the most powerful tool ever created.  Before him is the compendium of 10,000 years of human learning.  He can read things that people used to get killed for.  He can perform in seconds tasks that used to take a lifetime.  Yet the only thing he wants to do is inform the world of his conviction that the video he just watched sucked something awful.

This mind-boggling misuse of resources is rooted in the internet’s democratic diffusion of information.  By celebrating the voice of the common man, comment pages have given John and Jane Dickwad the impression that their opinion matters and that people want to hear it.  Furthermore, by allowing Mr. and Mrs. Dickwad to post comments alongside articles by respected journalists and movies by talented directors, the internet blurs the distinctions between the educated and brain dead.  Everyone is on the same page.  Everyone can be an expert, a critic, a scholar, a credible source.

With this knowledge, The Dickwads take to the web.  Armed with a limited vocabulary and an unwavering conviction of their superiority to all other internet users, they venture forth into the digital world.  They present their passionately uninformed feelings to a waiting world, happy to contribute their small part to the corpus of human knowledge.   And thanks to the miracle of modern science, The Dickwads are able to share their message of disdain with audiences larger than any seen by Augustine, Aquinas, Galileo, or Shakespeare.  If that doesn’t make you question the future solvency of the human race, I don’t know what will.

I’m starting to think Darwin was right.  Maybe we are just brute animals with opposable thumbs.

That picture is copyright of pennyarcade and probably John Gabriel.

Wut up skankz its Fratboy Chad. One of my broz tagged me on this one word thing on FB so here it izzzzzzzzz

type only ONE word answers
It’s harder than you think. Here is what you are supposed to do…and please don’t spoil the fun…copy and paste into your own note, type in your answers and tag a bunch of people – including me.

Where is your cell phone? solocup
Your hair? whatever
Your father? douche
Your favorite thing? natty
Your dream last night? boobs
Your favorite drink? natty
Your dream/goal? cash
The room you are in? pimp
Your fear? GAY
Where you want to be in 6 years? drunk
Muffins? boobs?
One of your wish list items? whisky
Where you grew up? des moines!
The last thing you did? party
What are you wearing? nothin
Your tv? kardashians
Your pets? bitches
Your life? badass
Your mood? chill
Missing someone? yermom
Your car? NEON
Favorite store? spencers
Your summer? crunk
Your favorite color? lite
When is the last time you laughed? what?
Last time you cried? never
Favorite song? t.i.
Favorite band? nickleback
Favorite Movie? gladiator
Person who emailed you last? bro
Favorite food? natty
Place you would rather be right now? party
Person you think will respond? yermom

Me and wife #12 (or was she 13?).

1. First, let’s get this straight – I do not look like a Chinese person.  I’m sick and tired of these modern depictions.  I look exactly like the love child of Vladimir Putin and a very fair-skinned half-Eskimo. Screw Wikipedia and their stupid picture on my bio.
2. I hate Wikipedia.
3. I did not come up with the name “Golden Horde” – I think that sounds pretty gay, like we were on a Pride March or something.  We weren’t.  We raped and pillaged, and every now and then a man may have accidentally got raped.  There’s really no way to know.
4. I’m completely aware that my first name “Temujin” is ridiculous. Aware enough that I killed my father for being dumb enough to pick that name and cause me a childhood full of schoolyard grief.  You don’t need to bring it up, trust me.
5. No, my son’s name “Ogedei” is not as bad as “Temujin.”
6. I think Ukraine is the closest thing to a national urinal you’ll find outside of Africa.
7. I take full responsibility for how crappy Mongolia is today.
8. I take no responsibility for the contemporary problems of Central Asia.That is ALL on the Soviets.
9. I think it’s funny the Chinese spent eight centuries building their wall with millions of people dying in the process.  Me and my boys got across (with horses, mind you) in less than 2 days.
10. My biggest regret is that I never learned how to play the guitar.
11. I did not lose my virginity until I was 13, and that was a very late age back then.  She was 24, red-headed, and shared my tickle fetish.
12. I’ve never met a person I like as much as I like Bic med/moy pens.
13. Where does Japan get off?  I mean really.
14. I never feel sexier than when my hair is up in a pony tail.
15. Genocide is underrated for its effectiveness.
16. Last five artists I listened to on my iPod?  DCTalk, Elvis, David Bowie, Cyndi Lauper, and The Cure.  Related Note: the 80s – great for my iPod, but apparently really tough on Disney movies.  I don’t understand what they were thinking… Tron? Who Framed Roger Rabbit? The Great Mouse Detective?  I guess they finally pulled it together with Little Mermaid, but up ’til then, what a mess!
17. I don’t believe in the “too soon” statute of comedy limitation.  If Heath Ledger and 9/11 jokes are ever going to be funny, they’re always funny.
18. The word “Eurasia” nauseates me to the point of brelching.Related Note: brelching is my word for a burp that culminates with a tiny amount of vomit coming up the very back of the throat, causing a burning sensation in the back of the mouth, nose, and eyes, depending on the severity of the brelch.
19. I voted for Perot both times.  I’m also committed to the belief that 9/11 was an inside job.
20. Almost all women have two X chromosomes, but my wife had three. Look it up, it’s real.  To top it off, I had an extra Y chromosome.This means going into each of our children there was an XXX and an XYY.  I can’t believe we didn’t give birth to some kind of three-armed mutant, but we didn’t.  This fear occupied practically my entire prayer life.
21. I think American Idol gets progressively better each new season.I do think Sanjaya was a plant, and this grieves me.Carrie Underwood’s “Jesus Take the Wheel” makes me cry almost every time.
22. Most of the posts on my Facebook wall are from fake profiles I have created to make people think I have friends.
23. My scientists may or may not have accidentally created what you people call the “Black Death.”
24. I think music piracy degrades us all, weakening and demeaning the art.  Piracy on the high seas, however, is a whole different bunch of bananas.
25. I passed the bong to Michael Phelps.

TAGGED!!!
Howard Stern
Anna Nicole Smith
Benjamin Franklin
Julia Roberts
The Little Engine That Could

Contributed by a faithful reader and occasional collaborator who has requested to remain anonymous so as not to jeopardize his lucrative drug trafficking business.  Many thanks.

Okay okay, I know it’s been a while since you tagged me Hill! Get off it! Here are my (not so) interesting 25…

1. When I was little, I used to dream of running for President, but the job just seems like such a headache.

2. I think I have one of those names that will go down in the history books. I think it’s the fact that I go by my full name and the monosyllabic forcefulness of each is simply haunting. In a good way.

3. I have this problem… Happens to me all the time. It’s a five letter word… S-H-A-R-T

4. I absolutely LOVE the theatre. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE ITTTTT

5. Seriously. Biggest pet peeve: Talking in the theatre or keeping your hat on in front of me. You won’t like me when I’m angry!

6. The word “probe” makes me uncomfortable.

7. Chocolate matters.

8. Guns don’t kill people; God kills people through people with guns. I have a gun.

9. I used to make up sins during confession, and then I at the end of confession, I would add, “I lied.” It always worked.

10. There are two things I can’t tolerate: one is intolerance. The other is waiting in line.

11. I love baking. It’s a true passion of mine; I think cookies could change the world.

12. My favorite book ever is The Catcher In The Rye. I really think Salinger nails kids…I didn’t mean it like that.

13. I’m totally addicted to Grey’s Anatomy – I know, I’m awful.

14. I don’t believe in tacos. They don’t exist.

15. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always loved jumping off of things. Rooftops, cliffs, you name it, I’ll jump off of it.

16. My friends commonly criticize me for running from the consequences of my actions.

17. I’m a sucker for emoticons!

18. I don’t have very good aim. My dad once told me I couldn’t hit a cantaloupe from five feet away… but he was also abusive. ;(

19. JUST KIDDING! Love my dad. I bet you were all thinking “Whoa dude, TMI Mr. emotional!” :~}

20. I sing in the shower… Disney songs, but sometimes I branch out and go Off-Broadway – now, that’s risky business!!

21. I have this weird fear of ropes.  I used to feel the same way in the shower room after gym. I don’t know – just a thing, I guess.

22. I’m kind of a horse whisperer.

23. I’m super patriotic, but like, in my own way. It’s hard to explain, but I would risk everything to preserve the sanctity of life. Pro-choice can suck it! :

24. I’m a lover, not a fighter.

25. Big fan of the Bourne Trilogy. Kind of my secret dream life.

There you go… now it’s ur turn!

<3, Johnny

TAGGED!

Link the Hero of Hyrule

Dennis Rodman

Gengis Khan

Charlie Brown

Alvin the Chipmunk

A special thanks to Christian Gonzalez for writing at least 50% of this article. You’re a good man.

Haha love that song. SO, 25 things about me. Love it bitchezzzzz:

1. When I was in seventh grade, a few friends and I were on a girl scout’s camping trip in the Adirondacks. I had a .22 rifle and wanted to hunt for squirrels. I asked a few girls to come along, and they agreed under the condition that I not shoot a “baby” squirrel. “Typical,” I thought, but not wanting to hunt alone I conceded and off we went. The girls were foraging for berries when we all heard a rustling in the shrubs ahead and stopped dead. One of the girls, Carole, started whimpering. The rustling became a stomping. Someone said the word “bear” and I trained the rifle in the direction of the approaching noise. All at once there was a crash, and before I knew it I had fired a shot. The shape of a black-and-red flanneled hunter fell out of the bushes and thumped to the ground. Someone screamed. Recognizing the pandemonium that was about to ensue, I took action and held the rifle to Carole’s head, then swore every girl there to silence. I organized a recovery team, made up of Susan and Beth, to drag the corpse to a nearby lake. And the whole matter was over in time for smores.

2. I make a strong first impression. You either like me, or you don’t.

3. I love my kitten Darlene. She is my baby girl.

4. Come between me and my Sour Patch Kids and I will END YOU.  *kiss face*.

5. I love my Dad and he is the most important person to me in the world.

6. Despite what people ASSume (lol, always remember that saying, “When you assume you make an ASS out of U and ME!”), beneath my “powerful woman” exterior is not a wounded woman but rather a steel core of stick-to-it-ivity.

7. Eggplant. Gross. Seriously.

8. I absolutely adore the saxophone. Every time I hear it I want to live my vida loca. A saxophone in the right hands is like a magic wand, just say hocus and I’ll want to pocus! RAH LA LA!! haha *sticks tongue out*

9. Whenever I’m writing my speeches (YES I write my own, h8ters) I listen to Jock Jams 4. Best J.J. album yet.

10. I do have regrets.

11. I’m SUCH a bitch when I eat out at restaurants, and my friends get so embarrassed. But I simply do not take attitude from waitresses.

12. One of my biggest regrets right now is that my daughter doesn’t respect me enough to trust my decisions.

12. I love my LADIES and I would not be who I am without them. My friends are HOTTER than yours!! (ps: uh, can anyone say sb2k9 MIAMI?! holla!)

13. Some people go inward with their hurt. Like, if they receive harsh criticism, they’ll ask to be excused and maybe cry about it in the shower later that night. I process my hurt outwardly.

14. I was listening to Regina Spektor’s “Samson” when I realized that I couldn’t live without Bill and I had to take him back.

15. “Your hair was long, when we first met…” — Every time.

16. At the end of Garden State, when they’re staring into the abyss, I always get chills. It just hits me so hard, you know. It’s like, this is it, you know? This infinity, this moment is eternal and yet it doesn’t even exist. Such a brilliant film.

17. I honestly regret that I’ve clearly made choices that have somehow made my own daughter not trust me enough to make my own decisions about my medications.

18. I find yoga to be pornographic.

19. I really don’t think I’ll die alone. Statistically, it’s just not that likely for me.

20. I have the WEIRDEST dreams. My staff cannot get enough of the crazy stuff I tell them!

21. I guess more than anything, I regret that my daughter seems to believe she knows more about modern pharmaceuticals than my friend Jeff, who is a DOCTOR and who, contrary to what her skank friend Angela says, I have NOT been meeting at the YMCA.

22. I don’t sweat the small stuff. Life’s too short. Gotta smell those roses, gotta stop and smell ‘em yup yup.

23. I kill drifters.

24. J/K! Did I get ya?

25. Whenever I hear spontaneously erupting choruses of “Go-bama, go-bama, go-bama” inside the White House I just smile to myself, a secret smile all my own, and I say, “No. This is good. This is so good, Hil baby. You’ve got all the time in the world.”

TAGGED!!!!
Sarah Palin
Joel Osteen
Papa Smurf
Moby-Dick
John Wilkes Booth

1. I never cry.  Except when I wet my nest.  But then only sometimes.
2. I’ve always thought there was something not right about the letter R.  I swear, that guy’s up to something.
3. When I pick up a book, magazine, or newspaper, I’m not really reading it.  I’m just looking at the words.  I don’t actually know how to read.
4. I’m worried that Snuffie’s pot smoking will make him sterile, but I don’t know how to tell him.  Snuffie, stop smoking drugs.  You’re killing your family.
5. Sometime in the next twelve months I will  fake my own death.  Haven’t worked out all the details yet, but it will definitely involve some rubbing alcohol, a toaster, Ernie’s Rubber Duckie, and the number 8.
6. If I could have dinner with one dead celebrity it would be Jam-Master Jay from Run D.M.C.
7. Two words that describe me: bored and rich.
8. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person who understands what Britney Spears is going through.
9. Since I’m 40 years old and still single, people always ask me at what age I’ll consider eHarmony a viable option.  The real question is at what age I’ll  consider a prostitute a viable option.  The answer is 42.
10. Stranded with three castmates on a desert island?  Easy.  Kill Count von Count, screw the Cookie Monster, marry Grover.  Man!  There really aren’t any chicks in this neighborhood.
11. Sometimes I take money out of homeless people’s cups when they’re not looking.
12. I think superstitious people are retarded.
14. Ethnic people frighten me.  Yes, that includes Canadians.
15. It makes me sad when I think about how Rosie O’Donnell is a lesbian.  I had a crush on her for most of my thirties.
16. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anything as much as Oscar loves being grumpy.
17. My musical preferences make me feel superior to you.
18. I think my romantic peak was sometime during the fall of 1978.  I was nine.
19. To date, five of my costars have opened up to me about their private struggles with substance abuse and body image issues.  Some days I think I might explode from all the secrets I’m holding.
20. Sometimes, when all my friends have gone home and I’m being truly honest with myself, I wonder: Who the hell is buying Nickelback CDs?
21. The fact that I am 8 foot 2 inches tall and cannot dunk a basketball depresses me almost every single day.
22. One of my professional goals is to star as myself in a movie about Jessica Alba’s fantasy life.
23. I was going to audition for Season Three of Flavor of Love, but my publicist said it would “alienate my fan base,” whatever that means.
24. With the notable exception of “10 Things I Hate About You,” lists divisible by five have always made me uncomfortable.
25. I voted for McCain.

TAGGED!
Paris Hilton
Jesus
Marilyn Manson
Harry Potter
Hillary Rodham Clinton