While everyone else in the English-speaking world is busy compiling top 10 lists to encapsulate the essence of the last decade, we here at The Talking Mirror are forging on into the future.  We’re not concerned with who had the greatest album, athletic performance, or sexiest celebrity scandal in the past 10 years, we want to know what’s going to happen next (assuming health insurance executives, terrorists, or the Mayans don’t kill us all first). It’s true, 2010 technically “hasn’t happened yet” but we’ve never been ones to let things like facts, events, or reality get in the way of a good news story and we’re not about to start now.  And so, in a TTM exclusive, we are proud to bring you 20 headlines guaranteed to be filling newspapers and Perez Hilton’s Twitter feed over the next 12 months.  You can discount them for being made-up, far-fetched and unlikely to ever happen, but, hey, that’s good enough for 70 million Obama voters so it’s more than good enough for us.  Please enjoy responsibly.

PELOSI’S BILL FOR FEDERALLY FUNDED TOILET PAPER OPTION INCLUDES FINES FOR NOT WIPING ASS

POLL SHOWS MAJORITY OF AMERICANS DON’T TRUST POLLS

TEN MILLION CHINESE TROOPS “JUST VISITING,” SAYS OBAMA

WANDA SYKES SHOW IN SECOND SEASON – AMERICANS BAFFLED

15 MORE WOMEN, 6 MEN, 3 HORSES, 4 SHEEP, AND AN END TABLE CLAIM TO HAVE HAD AFFAIR WITH TIGER WOODS

GLOBAL WARMING NOW PERVASIVE, CATASTROPHIC; CHICAGO A TROPICAL PARADISE

CATHOLIC PRIEST CLAIMS TIGER WOODS MOLESTED HIM

OBAMA OFFERS CALIFORNIA TO CHINA AS DEBT REPAYMENT, “NO THANK YOU” THEY RESPOND

AMERICA INVADES IRAN, OBAMA WINS SECOND NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

JIMMY FALLON STILL TELLING JOKES ABOUT PRESIDENT BUSH

PALIN ANNOUNCES RUN FOR PRESIDENCY IN 2012, BABY JESUS CRIES

ILLINOIS SELLS OBAMA’S SENATE SEAT TO MARK CUBAN TO COMBAT RISING BUDGETARY DEFICIT

OBAMA BECOMES FIRST BLACK PERSON TO GIVE “STATE OF THE UNION” ADDRESS

WORLD CUP MAKES AFRICA SEEM ALMOST BEARABLE

WINTER OLYMPICS A SUCCESS, NO ONE NOTICES

FURBY ARRESTED FOR PUBLIC DRUNKENNESS, SAYS, “I USED TO BE ON TOP.”

“SEXT” RAPIST GETS DEATH SENTENCE; JURY SAYS, “C YA”

ABC’S “BIGGEST LOSER: RELAPSE” CANCELLED, AMERICA LOSES HOPE

LOST’S SMOKE MONSTER REVEALED, OBAMA TO GUEST STAR

KANYE INTERRUPTS OBAMA’S NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY, SAYS “DESMOND TUTU WAS BETTER”

Thanks to Christian Gonzalez and Kent for contributing headlines to the list.

Popularity: 6% [?]

Zondervan and Apple Team-up to Release iGod

Christian publishing giant Zondervan (of Grand Rapids, Michigan) announced this weekend that it will be teaming with super-chic Apple Computers to release its latest translation: the iGod.  To meet the fickle demands of a growing generation of tech-driven youth group yuppies, the iGod offers a 25gig multimedia version of the holy writ complete with SwordDrills, WOW Worship IX, and a “Making The Bible” behind-the-scenes documentary.

Biblical purists and PC users alike are already decrying what they call “a desecration of the Sacred Book by the twin demons of technological advancement and aesthetic appeal.”  Apple’s CEO Steve Jobs defended the iGod by saying, “Someone told me once that you can’t put God in a box?  Well how about a state-of-the-art, multi-sensory media player that comes in four appealing colors?  Can I put him in that?”

87 year-old man feels 82 again

Area octogenarian Merle Farnsworth has a new lease on life today after an exceptionally restful mid-afternoon nap in his rocking chair by the front window.  Mr. Farnsworth dozed off halfway through a particularly riveting article in the October 1997 issue of TV Guide and awoke feeling “better than [he's] felt in at least five years.” Read the full story

Popularity: 55% [?]

According to a Fox Network spokesman, the most patriotic network has recently completed work on a spin off of the popular action drama, 24. In an effort to gain an even stronger hold on the conservative evangelical demographic, the official network for the Republican Party set out to create a series that affirmed a literal creation in six 24 hour days.

The show, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and Dr. James Dobson, is entitled 24: Ex Nihilo and stars Keifer Sutherland as Jack Bauer, the only begotten nephew of God. The show, slated for six seasons, will tell the story of Jack Bauer thwarting attempts by various parties to destroy creation. Read the full story

Popularity: 19% [?]